To foil an extortion plot, an FBI agent undergoes a face-transplant surgery and assumes the identity of a ruthless terrorist. But the plan backfires when the same criminal impersonates the cop with the same method.

Castor Troy: Hello? This is Sean Archer.
Sean Archer: Well, if you are Sean Archer, then I must be Castor Troy.
Castor Troy: If you dress like Halloween, ghouls will try to get in your pants.
Dietrich: No more drugs for that man.
Castor Troy: Isn't this religious, ah yes. The eternal battle between good and evil, saint and sinners... but you're still not having any FUN!
Sean Archer: I want to take his face... off. Eyes, nose, skin, teeth. It's coming off.
Castor Troy: I don't know what I hate wearing worse: your face or your body. I mean I enjoy *boning* your wife, but let's face it, we both like it better the other way, yes? So why don't we trade back.
Sean Archer: You can't give back what you've taken from me.
Castor Troy: OK, then... plan B, why don't we just kill each other?
Wanda: You turned your beeper off.
Castor Troy: Yes, well... my son's birthday.
Wanda: Well, here's some poetic justice, sir... Castor Troy's dead.
Buzz: He got killed trying to escape from Erewhon.
Castor Troy: Where's his body? I want to see his body.
Wanda: It hasn't been recovered yet.
Castor Troy: IT HASN'T BEEN *RECOVERED YET*? *Get the LAPD on this!*
Wanda: Even if he is alive, Castor isn't stupid enough to come back to the city.
Castor Troy: You must... you must trust me. He's already here.
[Troy and Archer see each other for the first time with each other's faces]
Castor Troy: [grins] OOOEEEE, you're good lookin'! You're hot!
[cocks his head]
Castor Troy: It's like looking in a mirror, only not.
Sean Archer: Troy?
Castor Troy: Now that is between us. OK?
Sean Archer: But you were, were, uh...
Castor Troy: In a coma? Nothing like having your face cut off to disturb your sleep! Read the newspaper lately?
[shows him a newspaper article headlined "Deadly Inferno at Walsh Institute"]
Sean Archer: You killed them?
Castor Troy: Yeah well, beats paying the bill, huh? I mean, come on, uh, if a face lift costs five grand...
[shows Archer's wedding ring on his hand]
Castor Troy: ... SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE?
[Cut to a shot of Miller, Dr. Walsh, and Tito, all bound and gagged, being doused with gasoline]
Sean Archer: [feeling a lump forming in his throat] Tito!
[In flashback, a hand drops a lit cigarette in a puddle of gasoline that quickly spreads towards the captives]
Castor Troy: I torched all the evidence that proves you're you, okay? So, wow! Looks like you're going to be in here for THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS! Now, I have got to go. I've got a government job to abuse and a lonely wife to fuck! Whoops did I just say that? I'm sorry... make love to! God, I miss that face!
[Archer throws his hands around Castor's neck and tries to strangle him. Guards promptly rush in and pull Archer off Castor]
[Tito, Sean Archer's best friend was killed by Castor Troy]
Buzz: Listen, sir... we just want you to know...
Wanda: We're all really sorry about Tito.
Castor Troy: [as Sean Archer] Yeah, well, shit happens.
Castor Troy: You're not the only one in the family with the brains.
Pollux Troy: No, although now I am the only one with the looks.
Castor Troy: Touché.
[a faceless Castor Troy confronts Dr. Walsh after waking from a coma]
Dr. Malcolm Walsh: What the hell is this?
Castor Troy: Doctor Walsh! I'm just enjoying some of your greatest hits here. I hope you don't mind: I partook of a few of your groovy painkillers. Oh, bravo. Bra-fucking-vo. Oh God, this is excellent. Bravo!
Dr. Malcolm Walsh: What do you want?
Castor Troy: Take one goddamn guess!
Sean Archer: [as Castor Troy] This is between us. Leave them out of it.
Castor Troy: [as Sean Archer] No. You should have left them out of it. Your son was an accident. I wanted to kill you. But, you took it too personally. Why couldn't you just kill yourself or let it go?
Sean Archer: [as Castor Troy] No father could.
Castor Troy: [as Sean Archer] No brother could either.
Sasha Hassler: [coming in] Neither could a sister.
Castor Troy: Wheee. What a predicament.
Castor Troy: Sasha, what the *fuck*... are you doing here?
Castor Troy: [cutting his face with glass shard] You are right, Sean. I misbehaved. I have to be punished. But remember... Every time when you look in the mirror, you'll see my face.
Castor Troy: [as Eve leaves] I hate to see you go, but I LOVE to watch you leave.
Sean Archer: Any word from the LAPD intelligence? If there IS such a thing?
Loomis: Not yet, sir.
Sean Archer: Of course not, because we're a covert anti-terrorist team that is so secret, that when we snap our fingers NOTHING HAPPENS!
Castor Troy: [after saving Archers daughter from help boyfriend raping her] Do you have protection?
Jamie Archer: Protection? You mean like condoms?
Castor Troy: [pulls out his switchblade] Protection. Next time, let Carl take his pants down, slip this in his thigh, twist it. So the wound won't close...
[gives her the knife]
Castor Troy: Go on, get out of here.
[Jamie leaves]
Castor Troy: I am the King!
Castor Troy: Y'know, I could eat a peach for hours.
Castor Troy: Interception! Now our side's got the ball. Sorry!
Sean Archer: [holding onto Troy's neck, having him bent over] Die! Please God die!
Castor Troy: Fly bitch!
Castor Troy: If I were to send you flowers where would I... no, let me rephrase that. If I were to let you suck my tongue, would you be grateful?
Loomis: Sir why are you so upset? It's just Pollux Troy.
[Troy blow's Loomis' head off]
Dietrich: You look like you just fucked your mother.
Castor Troy: Lies, deceit, mixed messages... this is turning into a real marriage.
Jamie Archer: [sobbing] Please tell me what planet I'm on!
Castor Troy: I AM Castor Troy!
Pollux Troy: [Not realizing that he is talking with Sean Archer with Troy's face] Not feeling very coordinated lately, are you?
Sean Archer: [Trying to act like Troy] Listen, bro. I am soooo fried. If the psychos find out I'm this wacky we're both dead meat.
Pollux Troy: Shock treatment? What's the matter, did they operate?
[Pollux touches Archer's face]
Sean Archer: I was in a COMA! Jesus, you're still so frickin' paranoid! Aren't they giving you your medication in here?
Pollux Troy: What *was* my medication?
Sean Archer: [sighing in exasperation] Pollux, I hand-fed you those pills for years. Vivex! I haven't forgotten *that*.
Sean Archer: [beat] It's just everything else. My reflexes, my synapses, it's all like a...
Sean Archer: [beat] tab of bad Quantrax.
Sean Archer: [beat] I don't even know why that fucking Yeti jumped me the other day.
Pollux Troy: Dubov? You had a sex sandwich with his wife and his sister the night he was sent here.
Sean Archer: Well, that explains why he was so upset. We're gonna blow up L.A., bro. Ain't that cool?
Pollux Troy: Sure, rub my nose in it, why don't you. Ten million dollar design and those Militia nut jobs get to keep their cash.
Sean Archer: It's so fucking unfair! That bomb you built does deserve an audience. I mean, it's a work of art, it belongs in the Louvre.
Pollux Troy: Yes, it does. Oh well, I guess the L.A. Convention Center will just have to do.
Sean Archer: [rejoices as Pollux just revealed the location of the bomb] Thank you.
Pollux Troy: For what?
Sean Archer: Oh, bro. You are so fuckin' pathetic.
Castor Troy: [Jamie shot Archer in the shoulder, now Troy has the gun on her] Clod! No daughter of mine would shoot so wide.
[to Archer]
Castor Troy: DAD! *Put* the gun down! Put it down. Dad, put it down.
[to Jamie]
Castor Troy: Now we're going to find out what's in Papa's bag, Peaches!
[licks Jamie's face]
Castor Troy: Say good-bye to Papa.
Castor Troy: [Both have each other at gun point] Wow. We have something in common. We both know our guns.
Sean Archer: What we don't have in common, is that I don't care if I live, and you do.
Castor Troy: Sean, that hurts. You're not having any fun, are you, Sean? Why don't you join us? Try Terrorism-for-hire, we can blow shit up, it's more FUN!
Sean Archer: Shut the fuck up!
Castor Troy: You watch your FUCKIN' MOUTH! I'm about to unleash the biblical plague "Hell-A" deserves. But I'll give this SHITHOLE a break if my brother and I walk.
Sean Archer: [Not believing what troy is saying] Bullshit.
Castor Troy: Oh, no? Oh, you think I'm bluffing, oh yeah. Maybe I am. But then maybe I'm NOT! Besides, what are you gonna do with me locked up? You'll drive your wife and kid crazy. Oh by the way, how is your daughter, Janie? Your darling peach, is she ripe yet...
[Making barking noises and pulls the trigger on the gun and realizes that he is out of bullets, and falls to his knees]
Castor Troy: Please don't shoot me, man. I'm scared, Sean.
[gets a knife]
Castor Troy: Well, I think you better pull the trigger, because I don't give a FUCK!
[singing]
Castor Troy: I'm ready, Ready for the big ride, BABY!
Walton: You are now the property of Erewhon Prison. A citizen of nowhere. The Geneva Convention is void here; Amnesty International doesn't know we exist. When I say your ass belongs to me, I mean exactly that.
[looking at Jamie in her underwear]
[to himself]
Castor Troy: The plot thickens.
Jamie Archer: [on the phone] Carl, I'll have to call you back.
[hangs up]
Jamie Archer: You're not respecting my boundaries.
Castor Troy: I'm coming in, Janie.
Jamie Archer: Janie?
Castor Troy: [seeing a pillow that says Jamie on it, he realizes his mistake] I don't think you heard me, JAMIE. You got something I crave.
[closes in on Jamie, reaches back and grabs her pack of cigarettes]
Jamie Archer: Danielle left those here.
Castor Troy: I won't tell mom if you don't.
[puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it]
Jamie Archer: When did you start smoking?
Castor Troy: You'll be seeing a lot of changes around here.
[blows smoke rings at Jamie]
Castor Troy: Papa's got a brand new bag. OW!
Castor Troy: Sean Archer here, who's calling?
Sean Archer: Well if you're Sean Archer, I guess I'm Castor Troy.
[hangs up]
Castor Troy: Ah, yes.
Castor Troy: I was thinking the other day, I remember I once took a date out for surf and turf, not knowing she was a vegetarian, so she ate bread and broke her tooth on a rice seed, we drove around all night, looking for an all night dentist, and he was so drunk he fixed the wrong tooth, when I finally brought her home, even though it must've hurt like hell, you kissed me
Sean Archer: When we put this thing away, you can brand the fourth amendment on my butt.
Sean Archer: [Introducing Adam to Jamie and Eve] This is Adam and he needs a place to live why don't show Adam his new room?
Jamie Archer: Come on
Dr. Eve Archer: [nods] Ok
Sean Archer: I've said and done some things that made your life hard, I know
Sasha Hassler: How would you? when you left you never looked back
Sean Archer: I just know,
[Adam walks in]
Sean Archer: Sasha I'm not the same person you remember and for what it's worth I'm sorry,
[getting dressed]
Sean Archer: nice looking clothes
Sasha Hassler: Yeah, of course their yours
Sean Archer: [Sees Adam] nice looking kid too
Sasha Hassler: Yeah, of course, his yours too
Castor Troy: When all else fails - fresh tactics!
Dietrich: Hey Sean, how's your dead son?
Sean Archer: The last time I saw you was in this room, we had a fight when I said I had to go away again I spent the night in Mike's old bed, the assignment was to enter a federal prison as Castor Troy, just fucking insane, a special ops surgeon gave me Caster's face and somehow Castor came out of his coma and killed everybody who knew about the mission not before transforming into me,
[breaks the glass in Michael's picture frame and removes the photo]
Sean Archer: I know you don't believe a word I'm saying, well here's proof doctor your husband, me, my Sean's blood type O-negative Castor's AB
Sasha Hassler: What's the next move?
Sean Archer: This isn't your fight
Sasha Hassler: He killed my brother, I'm not going to let him kill you too
Sean Archer: No matter what happens I promise Sean Archer's off your back for good
Dietrich: God damn. My place is getting FUCKED up.
Castor Troy: Ha HA HA HA HA Ha!
Castor Troy: [as Sean Archer] Sasha, baby, I'm Castor. That's Archer.
Sasha Hassler: And I'm bored. Put the fucking gun down!
Pollux Troy: Seeing that face on you makes me afraid my tiramisu might come back up.
Castor Troy: Well, think about me. This nose. This hair. This ridiculous chin.
Sean Archer: Eve, listen to me. The man you think is your husband isn't.
Dr. Eve Archer: Who is this?
Sean Archer: Listen. Take Jamie. Go to your mother's. Don't tell him where you're going, just go!
Dr. Eve Archer: Whoever you are, don't call again!
Castor Troy: [Pinning Karl against the car] Say you're sorry.
Karl: I'm Sorry!
Castor Troy: I didn't hear it.
Karl: [Louder] I'm Sorry!
Castor Troy: Mean it.
Karl: I'm So Sorry!
[after Archer gets in a fight with Dubov]
Walton: I stop the fights, not you. That's two strikes for you, Dubov. One more, and you know where you're going.
Sean Archer: When I get out of here...
Walton: If you get out of here.
Sean Archer: ...I'm gonna have you fired.
Jamie Archer: HOLD IT!
Castor Troy: Good girl, Jamie. SHOOT HIM!
Sean Archer: Honey, don't listen to him. He's not your father.
[Archer's original voice]
Sean Archer: Hear my voice. I'M YOUR FATHER!
Castor Troy: Use your eyes, Jamie and shoot him!
Sean Archer: Don't shoot. Just don't...
Castor Troy: This scumbag, this SCUMBAG shot your BROTHER Jamie. SHOOT HIM!
[Jamie shoots Archer in the shoulder]
Castor Troy: Brother, we're going straight
Pollux Troy: My goodness did you exchange brains as well?
Castor Troy: First thing I need you to confess to is the location of the bomb
Pollux Troy: What about our ten million dollars?
Castor Troy: What about when I become an American hero for defusing the bomb? What's that worth? Know that, thank you, next question
[both laugh]
Jamie Archer: Dad, I'm sorry I shot you.
Castor Troy: [Reading Eve's diary] "Date night fizzled again we hadn't made love in two months", what a loser
Sasha Hassler: [Her last words] Take care of our boy, love him so much, and don't let him grow up to be like us promise?
Sean Archer: [Nods] Yeah
Dr. Holllis Miller: The bomb will blow and Castor Troy will win!
Castor Troy: [Giving a speech] Everybody I want to thank you for enduring all these years that I was an insufferable bore
Wanda: Sir, did you just have a surgical procedure?
Castor Troy: What do you mean?
Wanda: Well, was the stick successfully removed from your ass?
Dr. Eve Archer: Happy Birthday, Mikey. He took our baby, Sean. He took our little boy.
Castor Troy: It's a capital crime to try to kill the next big boss of the FBl, yes?
Sean Archer: [struggling] Yes... the penalty...
Castor Troy: What?
Sean Archer: ...The penalty is death!
[Hits him]
Castor Troy: [On the phone with Pollux] What I'm trying to tell you brother, Pollux once we get the full protection and resources of the government to get rid of our rivals right? then we'll set, and maybe just maybe I'll get my freaking face back, then I'll just have one jag off to take care
[seeing Karl and Jamie in a car]
Castor Troy: Maybe two, happy hunting I'll catch you later.
Tito Biondi: [after Archer knocks Castor unconscious] Well, Sean... Looks like Elvis done left the building.
Burke Hicks: Don't you remember the little people?
Dr. Eve Archer: Well, Sean, I knew it only a matter of time before you forgot where we lived.
Sean Archer: Come on, gimme a break, every house on this block looks the same.
Castor Troy: I never really enjoyed the Messiah, in fact, I think it's fucking boring. But your voice makes even hack like Handel seem like a genius.
[sings "Hallelujah" along with the choir, then grabs the girl's butt and orgasms]

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