A thirtysomething slacker suspects his parents of setting him up with his dream girl so he'll finally vacate their home.

Paula: Hey-hey.
Kit: Hey... Paula... Good news. It's Champagne Thursday.
Paula: It's Friday.
Kit: Uh, yeah, Thursday came twice this week.
Paula: Huh... for the third straight week.
Kit: There's talk of making it permanent.
Paula: Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving's Time?
Kit: Right, but for booze.
Tripp: Do you have real feelings?
Paula: Of course I have real feelings!
Tripp: For what?
Paula: For you! And believe me, I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well, it... it was empty, actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Whereas now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.
Kit: Shut up, you whore!
Paula: [sipping champagne] Oh, I'm sorry. Was I sipping too loudly for you?
Kit: No, you're not sipping too loudly. It's that goddamn bird outside my goddamn window! What the hell kind of devil-bird chirps at night?
Ace: So, is Kit short for Katherine?
Kit: Yes. Is Ace short for... Ace-a-rooney?
Tripp: [has just agreed to go out to lunch with her the next day] Hey, wait - tomorrow's Saturday.
Paula: [perplexed] ... Sometimes I eat on Saturday.
Kit: You couldn't be more wrong if you called it a Canadian Goose.
Ace: I'll give you a Canadian Goose.
[she slaps him, then a moment later, grabs him and kisses him passionately]
Paula: Look, many young men who should be able to move out simply can't. It's called "failure to launch," and that's where I come in. Young men develop self-esteem best during a romantic relationship, so I simulate one: We have a memorable meeting, we get to know each other over a few casual meals, he helps me through an emotional crisis, then I meet his friends - if he has any - uh, then I let him teach me something; but, the bottom line is, he bonds with me, he lets go of you, he moves out.
Al: But how do you make sure that he'll fall in love with you?
Paula: You look nice, you find out what they like, and then you pretend to like it, too.
Sue: That is pretty much how it works.
Al: What about sex?
Paula: Al, I never have sex with a client. Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated, and let's face it, after men have sex...
Sue: Is there anything that we need to do?
Paula: Well, for starters, you could make life a little more difficult for him. You know, uh, more chores, more responsibilities, that kind of thing.
Sue: I just think you should know that Tripp has had some rough breaks.
Paula: I promise you, when this is over, Tripp is going to be an independant, self-sufficient adult.
Jeffrey: My teacher Miss Kramer has a girlfriend.
Paula: Oh, that's nice.
Jeffrey: She's a lesbian.
Tripp: Dude, did you just drop me from a forty-foot cliff? I mean, you want to talk about a friend, man. You went behind my back and blackmailed your way into getting your girlfriend.
Demo: He's right.
Ace: I'm sorry I dropped you from a cliff.
Tripp: It's okay.
Demo: Granted, he used you, but not out of malice. Look at him. How many chances is he gonna get? He saw a chance for love, Tripp, and he took it, which is exactly what we wanted for you.
Tripp: Am I getting advice from my two loser buddies who still live at home?
Ace: Actually, I own my home.
Demo: What?
Tripp: No, you don't.
Ace: I bought it a couple of years ago from my Mom. That way, she has a place to live and I don't get nailed on the inheritance tax.
Demo: Smart.
Tripp: Wow.
Ace: And Demo, here, has chosen the life of a wanderer. I mean, sure, he technically still lives at home.
Demo: Yeah.
Ace: But his permanent address is in his heart. He's a bum.
Demo: I think what we're trying to say is that the two of us are happy, and we're perfectly functional.
Ace: And you, Tripp, are not.
Al, Sue: [Sitting naked together in a recliner, singing] Hit the road, "Tripp", and don't ya come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road, "Tripp", and don't ya come back no more.
Demo: [to Tripp] You were bitten by a chuckwalla. That shouldn't have happened. It's a reptile of peace. I have a theory. This isn't the first time that nature's lashed out at you like this. I believe it's because your life is fundamentally at odds with the natural world.
Tripp: Huh?
Demo: Therefore, nature rejects you.
Kit: I smell something. D'you smell something?
Paula: Oh! Oh, Tripp and I had crab today.
Kit: No, that's not it. I smell... fun.
Paula: What?
Kit: You are a dirty little fun-haver.
Ace: Point is, my friend, you are afraid of love.
Tripp: Bullshit. No, no, no, man. I'm not afraid of love. I love love. Look, I've had a lot of girlfriends, right? And sometimes I'm the rebound guy; other times, when I get lucky, I'm the explore-new-areas-of-your-sexuality guy; but, every single time, we have fun. Thank you. I have fun, they have fun; it's good for me, it's good for them, and I would argue that it's damn good for civilization as a whole.
Paula: I'm Paula.
Tripp: I'm Tripp.
Paula: You know, usually I don't sleep with someone on the first date.
Tripp: I don't think this counts as a first date.
Paula: It would be a date if you asked me to have a drink tonight.
Tripp: Mmm. You wanna have a drink tonight?
Paula: Mmm. Can't. How about lunch tomorrow?
Tripp: Sure. Wait. Tomorrow's Saturday.
Paula: [perplexed] Sometimes I eat on Saturday.
Kit: [inquiring after Tripp's buddies] The tall one's kinda cute. What's he do?
Paula: Oh, he's some kind of software writer. He works out of his basement, but he makes a lot of money. Oh, you know what? No, that's the little guy. The tall one just got fired from Kinko's.
Kit: [mockingly] How will I choose?
Tripp: I do sleep well at night.
Ace: On a twin bed, with Superman sheets that you've had since you were six.
Demo: As opposed to you, who sleeps in a King-sized bed in your mother's basement.
Ace: It's orthopedic, and I need it. And at least I'm not sponging off my parents so I can afford to get laid on every continent.
Demo: Whoa, whoa... I'm a ramblin' man, I'm a tumble weed, I'm a seeker of truth! And one truth I've learned - a child is a parent's greatest joy, which is why I can't leave my parents' place, because... because they would miss me!
Paula: Do you know I have a contract? I-I-I have... I have fiduciary responsibilities to uphold.
Kit: From a fiduciary standpoint, would you say that you had an orgasm?
[Paula gasps]
Tripp: [trying to feed a chipmunk a chocolate bar] You want a treat from the big city, boy?
Demo: He's not a child, Tripp. Look how peaceful he is.
Tripp: Come here, little boy. You want a little bit of chocolate, baby-boo-boo?
Demo: You're giving him a Power Bar?
Tripp: Everybody loves chocolate. Baby-boo-boo?
Demo: Tripp, he's saying no.
Tripp: Look into my eyes.
Demo: He's saying no, Tripp.
Tripp: Baby-boo-boo?
[chipmunk bites Tripp's hand]
Tripp: Aaow!
Al: [walking in on Tripp and Melissa having sex] Tripp, as long as you're up, son...
Melissa: Oh!
Al: Oh.
Tripp: Oh, come on, Pop!
Al: Ooo.
Tripp: Whoa, man. Don't you knock?
Al: What? Your mama's... She's snorin' like a rhino. And then this music got started... heh... heh. Oh, hey, you must be Melody.
Tripp: Mm-mm.
Melissa: Melissa.
Al: Oh! It's Melissa! Ha-ha. It's Melissa. Okay. All right. Y'all have a good time.
Tripp: Night, Pop.
Melissa: Huh.
Tripp: Hmm.
Melissa: You live with your parents?
Tripp: Is that a problem?
Melissa: Are you kidding me?
Al: I could get out of those ropes.
Sue: You can't get out of your barbecue apron.
Tripp: Let's go shoot some strangers, huh?
Tripp: Hey, Pop?
Al: Hey! Tripp. What are you doing here?
Tripp: Just came by to get some stuff. What... what are YOU doing?
Al: Feeding my fish.
Tripp: Yeah. I see that. You're naked. In my room.
Al: Well, this is my Naked Room. I mean, it's my house. A man ought to be able to do whatever he wants to do in his own house. Wore a suit for forty years.
Tripp: So now we got forty years of...
Al: No suit.
Tripp: No suit. All right. I'm gonna let you get back to feeding your fish.
Tripp: Take it you like Japanese food?
Paula: Oh, I love it. I'm also gonna order huge dessert, drink too much, and maybe talk about my old boyfriends.
Tripp: Yeah?
Paula: Does that intimidate you?
Tripp: Not at all.
Tripp: All right, assuming that pretending to own a yacht was a brilliant, romantic yet ultimately flawed idea, how do you see the rest of the day playing out?
Paula: I don't know. I'm so hungry, I can't think. Seagulls ate my lunch.
Tripp: What if I took you to a restaurant?
Paula: Are you gonna pretend to own it?
Tripp: No. All the restaurants I own are in Europe.
Melissa: So, where do you see us goin'?
Tripp: Well, tonight, I see us going back to my place.
Paula: So, you live with your parents.
Tripp: Mm-hm. Z'hat a problem?
Paula: No. Not for me.
Boatyard Woman: Guys who drink Kahlua and cream are not power guys, honey.
Al: The boy's thirty-five years old!
Sue: It's just not fair.
Al: Thirty-five years!
Sue: We were good parents and now we're supposed to be done!
Male BBQ Guest #1: Hey, I don't blame my kid for stayin'. Our place is much nicer than anything he can afford.
Male BBQ Guest #2: Well, our son's a flight attendant. He travels so much, it doesn't make any sense to have his own apartment.
Sue: Yeah...
Female BBQ Guest: Plus, he has a lot of pilot friends who let him stay over.
[Paula pretends to be the girlfriend of one of her clients, as they sit in a coffee shop]
Paula: Hey, I mean, come on. Look at you. You're smart, you're attractive, you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy because it's all about storytelling, and myth, before C.G.I. ruined everything. I mean, come on. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?
Techie Guy: A shocking number, actually.
Paula: Well, you know what? It's their loss. You show me a guy who loves Empire and I'll show you a guy who's not afraid of his imagination. Like when Luke gets to the cave and he asks Yoda what's in there and Yoda says...
Techie Guy: [imitating Yoda's voice with Star Wars music playing in the background] ... Only what you take with you.
Paula: But he goes in anyway, because he's not afraid of his own mind!
Techie Guy: He's walking the path of the Jedi, that's why.
Paula: That's you! You're Luke!
[first lines]
Melissa: I just feel really close to you.
Tripp: You ARE really close to me.
Demo: What are you gonna do now?
Tripp: I don't know. I'm in unchartered waters here, boys.
Al: Tripp meets a new girl every week.
Bud: Well, let's just say, maybe he hasn't met the right girl.
Paula: Nothing like the threat of decapitation to make it a little more interesting.
Tripp: It's over. She gotta go.
Ace: You're dumping Paula?
Demo: What happened?
Tripp: Same thing that always happens. Everything is going along nice and smooth, we're having a good time, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere - whoap! - she gets serious. I hate to say it, boys, but it is time to take the girl home.
Demo: And yet, in America, we're-we're shunned for our lifestyle.
Tripp: When we should be celebrating our lifestyle. We are men who still live at home.
Demo: Yes.
Tripp: We're not here to apologize about who we are, how we do it, or who we live with.
Demo: No!
Tripp: I'm looking around this table, hombres, and I see three winners, huh? And to every one of those out there who sees something different, I say "bring it on," 'cause it's gonna take a stick of dynamite to get me out of my parents' house.
Al: We ain't buying that chair.
Sue: I am getting this polka-dot chair. I've got my own money.
Al: Unless you start dancing again, you're broke.
Tripp: So what do we do now?
Paula: Actually, it's... it's quite simple. You just have to decide. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having fun or do you want to spend it with me?
Tripp: Hmm...
Paula: Shut up! Not everything you say is perfect.
Tripp: We can have a LITTLE bit of fun, can't we? Huh?
Jim The Gun Salesman: [persuading her not to buy a large gun and bullet to shoot a mockingbird] Well for one, there's the book, "To Kill A Mockingbird"...
Kit: Oh... A copy that, too, right here!
Paula: Based on the initial personality assessment, I think that I can have your son moved out of this house and living on his own by June fifteenth.
Al: Hallelujah!
Paula: Come on, Tripp. Please, you... you don't understand.
Tripp: You're right. Now, hold on. I don't know what your daily rate is, but that's everything I've got in my wallet.
[handing over $300 to Paula]
Tripp: There's three hundred dollars.
Paula: Oh, come on, Tripp!
Tripp: It should be good for tonight, especially since we didn't have sex.
Paula: Please, Tripp, let me just explain to you.
Tripp: Get the fuck outta my car.
Sue: [to Tripp] And, uh, your bathroom needs cleaning, so I left the stuff in the hall; and, when you're done with the rubber gloves, just remember to turn them inside out. Bye.
Demo: Something's wrong with your mom.
Tripp: And the thing is, Mom, Dad, I've lived upstairs since I was three, and it's been great.
Tripp: You're all getting what you wanted. Paula, you don't have to pretend to like me anymore. And, Mom, Dad, you wanted me out of the house. I'm out.
Sue: I don't know what to tell ya, honey, but, uh, that strict program o' yours?
Paula: Mm-hm.
Sue: You're gonna have to start deviating. He's breaking up with you.
Paula: What?
Sue: The only reason he ever brings girls home to meet us is 'cause he's gettin' ready to dump 'em.
Paula: Really? Well, that's not happening.
Tripp: [at the top of a mountain, when Ace appears] Oh, hey there, Ace. Glad you could make it, man. We thought you went home.
Ace: [dropping to the ground, exhausted] I fell into a deep, dark crevasse. I was so scared.
Tripp: Shut up, dude! Don't help him!
Cafe Patron: I don't usually like reality TV shows, but this is so emotional.
Paula: I had a nice time.
Tripp: I did, too.
Paula: Good.
Tripp: I had fun.
Paula: Good.
Kit: [screaming at the bird outside] SHUT UP! SHUT UP, YOU CRAZY BASTARD BIRD!
Paula: Hey, Kit.
Kit: What? Hi. Can you guys see me?
Paula: Yeah.
Tripp: Yeah.
Kit: Oh, great.
Tripp: What?
Paula: Dinner and a show.
[kisses him]
Paula: Good night.
Tripp: Good night.
Paula: [at the end of a paintball game, she shoots an opponent who's been trash-talking to her throughout the game] Who's laughing now?
Paula: [of "her" supposedly dying dog] What's his real name, anyway?
Veterinarian: I don't know. I just clean their teeth and chop their balls off.
[the dog whimpers]
Demo: I feel a little bit bad because I kind of implied to Paula that I wouldn't say anything, but deception's a poison. It's like margarine - I can't have that in my body.
Paula: Oh, my God. I am the worst person in the world.
Kit: Oh, hey, you're home. Great.
Paula: I have to break up with Tripp. I'm... I'm terminating my contract, and... I can't do it.
Kit: Yeah, everyone from work went to T.G.I. Friday's, but I don't really like that place, or anyone I work with.
Paula: Oh, good, so then we can stay in and watch one of those drinking movies you like.
Kit: [sarcastically] Yeah.
Mr. Axelrod: You're gonna let her walk away?
Tripp: I'm giving her space, Mr. Axelrod. Now, I'm going after her.
Paula: So do it. Buy a crummy old boat. Who cares, as long as you're out there.
Tripp: Well, I'm working on it. Thing is, you gotta be ready. I mean, it's a big commitment. And if you're not ready, you just end up, well, a lonely guy with a big boat payment.
Paula: Who says you have to be lonely?
Paula: [to Kit] Oh, Tripp is just cruising through the steps. In fact, I think tomorrow I'm gonna let him teach me something.
Paula: I'm so glad you're here.
Tripp: Yeah, of course I am.
[about her dog]
Paula: Um, can I have a minute alone with him? Thank you.
Tripp: I'll be right outside.
Paula: Okay.
[Tripp leaves]
Paula: [to the Vet] Ah, thanks, Gretchen.
Veterinarian: Anytime.
Paula: Oh, gosh, Emotional Crisis Day is so critical. I cry, he cries. It totally bonds us. So how long do you think he's going to sleep for?
Kit: Look, I don't see why it's so complicated. You like Tripp. Tell Tripp you like him.
[last lines]
Al: What'd I say?
Paula: [about the dog] He saved my life, you know.
Veterinarian: He did?
Paula: And now I can't do anything for him, and I...
Kit: [finding out that Paula has set her up with Ace] No.
Paula: It's just coffee. You don't have to marry him.
Kit: First of all, that's the geeky computer guy. It's bad enough I have to go out with a loser who still lives with his mom, but you led me to believe that it was the handsome minimum-wage slacker.
Paula: No, I don't... I don't think that I did that.
Tripp: We've been out one time. She's a nice girl, I'm a nice guy, we had fun, and I must tell you, son... nothing is doomed.

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