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A group of Southern California high school students are enjoying their most important subjects: sex, drugs and rock n' roll.
Brad Hamilton: Why don't you get a job Spicoli? Jeff Spicoli: What for? Brad Hamilton: You need money. Jeff Spicoli: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.
[the "five-point plan"] Mike Damone: First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
Stu Nahan: [Spicoli is dreaming that he's won a surfing competition] Hello everybody! I'm Stu Nahan, and I'd like you to meet this young man. His name, Jeff Spicoli. And Jeff, congratulations to you. Things looked kind of rough out there today. Jeff Spicoli: Well, I'll tell you Stu, I did battle some humongous waves! But you know, just like I told the guy on ABC, "Danger is my business!" Stu Nahan: You know, a lot of people expected maybe Mark "Cutback" Davis or Bob "Jungle Death" Gerrard would take the honors this year. Jeff Spicoli: [laughs incredulously] Those guys are fags! Stu Nahan: [oblivious] That's fantastic! Let me ask you a question. When you get out there, do you ever fear for your life? Jeff Spicoli: Well Stu I'll tell you, surfing's not a sport, it's a way of life, it's no hobby. It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey bud, let's party!" [focuses on Stu's sport coat] Jeff Spicoli: Where'd you get this jacket? Stu Nahan: [evasive] I got this from the network. Let me ask you a question. What's next for Jeff Spicoli? Jeff Spicoli: Heading over to the Australian and Hawaiian internationals, and then me and Mick are going to wing on over to London and jam with the Stones! [to the two girls next to him] Jeff Spicoli: And you guys are invited too!
[Spicoli, talking on the phone, hits his head with a shoe] Jeff Spicoli: That was my skull! I'm so wasted!
Jeff Spicoli: No shirt, no shoes... Jeff and Stoner Buds: No dice! Ohhhh. Brad Hamilton: Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it. Jeff Spicoli: He's the full hot orator.
Jeff Spicoli: [driving and stoned] People on 'ludes should not drive.
Mr. Hand: [passing back exams] 'C', 'D', 'F'. 'F'. 'F'. For three weeks we have been talking about the Platt Amendment. It was passed in nineteen-hundred and six. [notices Spicoli's seat is empty] Mr. Hand: Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms, is he still on campus? Anyone? [Desmond raises hand] Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond? Desmond: I saw him outside, near the food machines. Mr. Hand: How long ago? Desmond: Right before class. Mr. Hand: All right. Bring him in. [Desmond exits] Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside of your heads? There are some teachers at this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game you both play. They pretend they don't see you, and you pretend you don't ditch! Now, in the end, who pays the price? YOU! [Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows him. He has a bagel stuffed into crotch; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans] Jeff Spicoli: [Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows with bagel stuffed into crotch; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans] Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here! Hello, Mr. Hand. Mr. Hand: What's the reason for your truancy? Jeff Spicoli: Just couldn't make it on time. Mr. Hand: You couldn't, or you wouldn't? Jeff Spicoli: See, there was a full crowd at the food lines. Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on YOUR time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this? Jeff Spicoli: [long pause, but then with complete truth in his answer] I don't know. Mr. Hand: [Mr. Hand goes to blackboard and writes the words 'I Don't Know', then underlines them] [reciting] Mr. Hand: I like that. 'I Don't Know.' That's nice. [imitating] Mr. Hand: 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words right up here for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli. Jeff Spicoli: All right!
Jeff Spicoli: Aloha, Mr. Hand.
Brad Hamilton: [after Linda opens the door on him while he is masturbating] Jeez. Doesn't anyone fucking knock any more?
Mike Damone: I think I just came... didn't you feel it?
Mr. Hand: What are you, people? On dope?
[after Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car] Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us! Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes! Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit! Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us? Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us! Jeff Spicoli: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.
Mike Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens. Mark Ratner: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen. Mike Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude. Mark Ratner: The attitude? Mike Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.
Businessman: It says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron! Brad Hamilton: Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!
Mike Damone: I woke up in a great mood; I don't know what the hell happened.
Jeff Spicoli: What Jefferson was saying was, Hey! You know, we left this England place 'cause it was bogus; so if we don't get some cool rules ourselves - pronto - we'll just be bogus too! Get it?
[Spicoli has had a pizza delivered to class] Mr. Hand: Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing? Jeff Spicoli: Learning about Cuba, and having some food. Mr. Hand: Mr.Spicoli, You're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance on my time. Jeff Spicoli: I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? Certainly, there's nothing wrong with a little feast on our time. Mr. Hand: [takes away box of pizza from Spicoli] You're absolutrly right, Mr. Spicoli. It is our time. Yours, mine and everyone else's in this room. But it is my class. [calls up a couple of students] Mr. Hand: Mr. Spicoli has been kind enough to bring us a snack. Be my guest. Help yourselves. Get a Good one.
Stacy Hamilton: When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out? Linda Barrett: A quart or so.
Desmond: That kid's been stoned since the third grade
[Stacy Hamilton exits the abortion-clinic building, which is across the street from a bowling alley] Brad Hamilton: [to Stacy] Since when do you go bowling?
Brad Hamilton: Hope you had a hell of a piss, Arnold!
Jeff Spicoli: Hey, you're ripping my card. Mr. Hand: Yes. Jeff Spicoli: Hey bud, what's your problem? Mr. Hand: No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is. Jeff Spicoli: [stunned] You dick!
Brad Hamilton: [Television Version, when Mrs. O'Rourke discussed to Brad about his life, and he fires back at her] You know what Mrs. O'Rourke, you don't know me at all. I broke up with my girlfriend this year, I lost my job at All American Burger and two other places. I wake up, at 5:30 to go to work at Mi-T-Mart. Then, I go to school and, go back to Mi-T-Mart. My grades aren't that bad and, you're telling me the fun is over. Man, I'm still waiting for the fun to start! [Mrs. O'Rourke, shakes her head]
[a science class is visiting the morgue] Mr. Vargas: Are you in my class? Jeff Spicoli: I am today.
Jeff Spicoli: This is U.S. History, I see the globe right there.
Mike Damone: You are a wuss: part wimp, and part pussy.
Brad Hamilton: GET OFF MY CASE MOTHERFUCKER!
Mike Damone: Look at you: member of the honor roll, assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater. I'm tellin' ya, Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right?
Linda Barrett: Did you hear that surfer guy pulled a knife on Mr. Hand? Stacy Hamilton: No he didn't. He just called him a dick. Linda Barrett: People exaggerate so much around here.
Mr. Hand: Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand.
Charles Jefferson: Don't fuck with it.
Stacy Hamilton: Linda, I finally figured it out. I don't want sex. Anyone can have sex. Linda Barrett: Yeah, Stacy? What do you want? Stacy Hamilton: I want a relationship. I want romance. Linda Barrett: You want romance? In Ridgemont? We can't even get cable TV here, Stacy, and you want romance!
Jeff Spicoli: Hey, Bud, let's party!
Jeff Spicoli: Those guys are fags.
Mike Damone: This is going to be great, Rat. It's like the highlight of their day. Mark Ratner: Hey maybe we'd better call first. I dunno about dropping in like... Mike Damone: What are you kidding? We're gunna surprise them. Look, just fix your collar, alright? Relax, just be cool, attitude, remember? Where'd you get that, outta the hamper? Mark Ratner: Hey, come on, this is clean. Mike Damone: Look Rat, it's like riding a bike. Fall off; you're right back on. Mess up a date, do it again.
Damone: Can you honestly tell me you forgot? Forgot the magnetism of Robin Zander, or the charisma of Rick Nielsen?
Brad's Bud: Brad, your sister's turning into a fox!
Linda Barrett: Hi Brad, you know how cute I always thought you were.
Brad Hamilton: [dumping out cold fries] I shall serve no fries before their time.
[first lines] Perry's Pizza Waitress: Linda, Linda, there he is. There's that guy from the stereo store. Don't you think he looks like Richard Gere? Linda Barrett: Did you see his cute little butt?
Dennis Taylor: Hamilton, did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way? Brad Hamilton: Well, he started it; he called me a moron, Dennis. Dennis Taylor: [firmly] Answer! Did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way? Brad Hamilton: Yes. Dennis Taylor: You're fired.
Mike Damone: I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked to her. You don't even own a camera.
[upon entering the restaurant where Brad Hamilton works, Jeff Spicoli and his two friends take off their shirts] Brad Hamilton: Hey, you guys had shirts on when you came in here. Jeff Spicoli: Well, something must have happened to them.
Linda Barrett: What do you mean, better in bed? Either you do it or you don't.
Brad Hamilton: Arnold, do you want to work at All-American Burger? Arnold: Yeah, well, um... Brad Hamilton: I can probably get you in there. Just let me talk to Dennis Taylor.
Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you have to get up Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE! Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you butthole! Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE! Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you booger!
Jeff Spicoli: People on 'ludes should not drive!
Pirate King: Hamilton, you're going over there as a representative of Captain Hook Fish and Chips. Part of our image, part of our appeal is that uniform, you know that. Brad Hamilton: You really want me to put this stuff back on? Pirate King: Yes, I do. Show a little pride.
Mr. Vargas: They sold their bodies to medicine for money. About $30, I think. Dr. Miller: Twenty-five. Jeff Spicoli: Righteous bucks!
[last lines] Jeff Spicoli: Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton!
Mark Ratner: [inside the locker room] Mike tell me what went on between you and Stacy? Damone: We were out messing around and something happened. Mark Ratner: What do you mean something happened. Damone: Look I never even talked to her again. Rat if you asked me she's a very aggressive girl. Mark Ratner: No, I don't know what you mean. Damone: Rat, She never really was your girlfriend. Mark Ratner: [Rat gets on the defensive] You know Damone I always stick up for you. They say oh, Damone that loud mouth - and they say that a lot. I say oh, no you just don't know Damone. I mean when they call you an idiot, I say Damone's not an idiot. Well, you know something maybe they know you pretty good. Maybe I'm just starting to find out. Damone: [Damone gets annoyed] Get lost. Damone: [after getting shoved by Rat] You want to do something about it, huh, you little wuss.
Jeff Spicoli: Hey, wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here!
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