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Zookeepers struggle to deal with the policies of changing directors.
Willa Weston: You really don't like animals, do you? Vince McCain: No, it's not that I don't like them, I just don't see the point. I remember, when I was five, my mother got me this... dog. Pft. I just didn't *get* it. I suppose I had nothing I needed fetched. So I sold him. Willa Weston: How sad. Vince McCain: Oh, he got over it.
Rollo Lee: It's an anteater, not a maneater. Sydney Lotterby: What would you be saying if it went over there, jumped into that pram? What would you be saying to the child's mother now? Rollo Lee: I'd be saying, "Madam, you are the victim of an 8 billion to one chance: a leaping anteater. An evolutionary mutant previously unknown to science."
Rollo Lee: Oh, great... terrific! [Advancing on Bugsy, who starts backing away] Rollo Lee: He decides to keep the zoo open, so you kill him! Brilliant! Well done! Thank you so much, especially for shooting him right between the eyes, [Points to his forehead] Rollo Lee: so that it doesn't look like an accident. Because the people at Octopus will know that he was coming here to close us down, so there's our motive for murdering him. Stunning! Well, Mr. Brain of Britain, what are we going to tell the police, who are, of course, already on their way here? Another example of the thoroughness of your plan! Go on, I'm all ears. [Bugsy stutters] Rollo Lee: What do you suggest we do with the dead body of the incredibly famous man, who you have just... ASSASSINATED? [Bugsy stutters some more] Rollo Lee: Sorry, I didn't... quite catch it... What? What was that?... Pop him in the blender? [Reggie hisses at Rollo, trying to point his attention away from Bugsy] Rollo Lee: I KNOW! I KNOW HE'S DEAD! I DID NOTICE! [Looks behind him, then back to Bugsy and Reggie, then straight back behind him] Rollo Lee: Where's the body?
Vince: Told you I'd kick ass, Dad. What I really wanted to ask was, I, uh - I was wondering, could I get a raise? Rod: Out of the question. Vince: Why? Rod: I don't have the money. Vince: You got six billion dollars! Rod: Seven, but things are tight right now. Who the hell's making all this bloody noise? Who's there? [he opens the door and he sees no one] Vince: Okay, look. Uh, what about a-a small advance on my inheritance? Rod: What inheritance? Vince: Well... [nervous laugh] Vince: I-I'm your son! You have to leave me something. Rod: Why? Vince: 'Cause you... you screwed up my whole childhood! Rod: How could I have? I wasn't even there.
[Rollo is pushing a wheeled cage containing a lemur he's supposed to have shot] Vince McCain: What are you doing with that? Rollo Lee: Uh... oh, the lemur? Vince McCain: Yeah. Rollo Lee: Oh, just putting it back in its enclosure. Vince McCain: Why'd you take it out? Rollo Lee: Ahhhhh... for a walk... you know, exercise. Vince McCain: It can hardly move in there. Rollo Lee: Ah, no, no, the exercise is for me. Vince McCain: So what do you need that for? Rollo Lee: That's a good point, actually. Um, well, perhaps I won't bother in future. Thanks for the hint. [Turns to leave] Vince McCain: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Were you going to use that for target practice? Rollo Lee: Oh, no. Ha. Vince McCain: Or, uh, one of your orgies? [long pause] Rollo Lee: Orgies? Vince McCain: Yeah. I'm onto you. You were going to put that somewhere. You're sick.
Vince McCain: You mean he's dead? Willa Weston: [sombre] Yes. Vince McCain: And he's not coming back? Rollo Lee: [sombre] No. I'm sorry. [Vince leans his head against the wall, as though grieving, then tilts back his head and everyone sees him laughing] Vince McCain: I'm so happy! [to Rod's corpse] Vince McCain: You're dead! You're dead! You're dead! [punching it] Vince McCain: You big-fat-bastard! YES!
Vince: How does he get three girls... where does the third one go?
[She wants him to think they'll have sex - eventually] Willa Weston: I think it's too soon. Vince McCain: Why? Willa Weston: Because what we have is special. Vince McCain: No it isn't.
Vince: [Describing Rollo] He looks like he's borrowed his body for the weekend, and hasn't figured out how it works yet!
Vince: Did you get a whiff of that guy's cologne? Eau de Monkey Fart!
Vince: I don't like you. You're weird and unattractive.
Rod McCain: [Discussing the fact that the animals can't be shot] We'll get a tame vet to say they've caught some disgusting disease! Neville: Pity this isn't Texas Rod McCain: Why's that? Neville: We could charge people to do it for us!
Rollo Lee: Is there a history of insanity in your family?
Willa Weston: You know what you are? You're pronoid. Vince McCain: "Pronoid"? Willa Weston: Mm-hmm. It means that contrary to all the available evidence, you actually think that people like you. Your perception of life is that it's one long benefit dinner in *your* honor with everybody cheering *you* on and wanting *you* to win everything. You think you're the prince, Vince.
Woman's Mother: [after being told the man that licks her daughter's blood is Rollo Lee] Christopher Lee's more like it!
Rollo Lee: I think the whole Octopus philosophy is poison. The only aim of any and every McCain business is to downsize and halve the quality, to make enough money to acquire another business to downsize and halve the quality, to make enough money to acquire *another* business to downsize, etc., etc., without ever running a single one of them really well. And if anyone ever raises the question of quality, they're immediately attacked as an elitist, because at Octopus it's considered morally offensive to talk about anything but money. All so that Mr. Rod McCain can feel a little more powerful every day. That's why, instead of running this *wonderful* zoo - properly - we've got to spoil it in order to finance his next *mindless* acquisition.
[Vince opens the door and leans halfway into Willa's office] Vince McCain: Willa, can I ask you a question? Willa Weston: Sure. Vince McCain: Those breasts real? Willa Weston: Yes. Vince McCain: [Closes door, but we hear him through it] Yippee. [Reopens door and comes in] Vince McCain: You know, Willa, uh, you better be careful dressed like that around here. People will think you're sleeping your way to the top. Willa Weston: Just as long as they don't think I'm sleeping my way to the middle.
Vince: [Vince and Willa are looking at Rod's portrait] Round here, he's known as Rod Almighty!
Neville: Mate, Beijing called. We've got the television rights to their public executions. Rod McCain: Worldwide? Neville: Five guys a week, guaranteed. Rod McCain: Beauty.
Vince: [after catching Willa and Rollo kissing] I can understand the gorrila, but not... not Mr Disgusting!
Willa Weston: Why do you work for us, Rollo? Rollo Lee: Cowardice?
Vince: I never have to listen to you again, do I? With your [Switches to rod's voice] Vince: "You're no son of mine, you miserable little worm! You've been a disappointment to me since the day your mother farted you out of her womb!" Rollo Lee: [Turning to face Willa] Brilliant!
[the staff are now all reluctantly wearing animal costumes] Vince McCain: And I want to thank you all, personally, for the incredible enthusiasm that you've shown vis-à-vis our latest new innovative initiative. You look fantastic. You're no longer a bunch of smelly old animal keepers. No, as of today, you are official Theme Zoo Visitation Enhancement Facilitators.
[Vince forgets the time zones when phoning England] Vince McCain: Oh, were you asleep? Rollo Lee: Uh, yes, I frequently am at 2 A.M., I'm afraid. Uh, filthy habit I picked up in the Far East. Vince McCain: Oh well, gee, look, if this communiqué is in any way, uh, sleep-interruptive, I'll, uh, re-telephone you later.
Willa Weston: What are you doing? Vince McCain: I'm freezing him. Willa Weston: Why? Vince McCain: He's gotta be cryogenically frozen until they find a cure. Willa Weston: Yeah, a cure? Vince, he has a bullet in the brain. Vince McCain: Well, get more ice. Willa Weston: Vince, there is no cure for a bullet in the brain. It is very fatal.
Willa Weston: [looking at the will] It's short! Rollo Lee: Yes - the simpler it is, the more watertight!
Rollo Lee: Mr. Sylvester Stallone didn't get where he is today by playing in Jane Austen.
Sydney Lotterby: Please, this is a wild animal! You get too close, it'll give you a nasty nip! Rollo Lee: A safety pin would give me a nasty nip, Lotterby. I'll tell you what fierce is, fierce is biting the whole hand off! Sydney Lotterby: The whole hand? Hugh Primates: [who keeps gorillas] Is it all right if it wrenches the hand off? Rollo Lee: Oh, yes. Hugh Primates: Whew!
Willa Weston: He reminds me of my father. Vince McCaine: Was your father ugly?
[Cub and Pip burst into Rollo's office, with Sydney close behind] Pip Small Mammals: You didn't kill them! Rollo Lee: What? [Both women throw their arms around him] Cub Felines: We checked, they're all alive! Rollo Lee: Oh...! [Before he can say another word, they're smothering his cheeks with kisses] Sydney Lotterby: [grinning] You rascal! [to Bugsy] Sydney Lotterby: He was only kidding! Adrian "Bugsy" Malone: [as if he's known it all along] Just figured that out, have you? Rollo Lee: [still getting kissed] I say...
Rollo Lee: [holding rifle and walking alongside stretcher as it is carried along] Bandicoot? [Pip, lying down on stretcher, pulls back sheet to expose and raise her bloody bandaged leg] Rollo Lee: My... GOD! Pip Small Mammals: [props herself up on her elbows to talk] It's just a Flesh Wound, sir! [lowers leg whilst still in stretcher] Pip Small Mammals: A few stitches, I'll be back at work! Rollo Lee: Are you sure? Pip Small Mammals: [as she is carried away offscreen] Oh, don't worry sir! It's part of the job with the BANDICOOTS!
Rod McCain: You're going to jail, Vince! Vince McCain: Aw, no - not again!
Adrian "Bugsy" Malone: Scared? Oh, don't worry about Terry; he wouldn't hurt a fly. Well, actually, he *would* hurt a fly, bein' a Mexican red-kneed tarantula - Brachypelma smithii - and therefore particularly partial to flies. The point is that Terry has a bite relatively harmless to human beings, and you reacted as though he were fierce - which he isn't. Rollo Lee: [squirms away] Yes, I always had a bit of a thing about spiders, actually. Adrian "Bugsy" Malone: So... if creatures are *thought* to be fierce, they are, ipso facto... *fierce!*
[Rollo plans to keep only fierce animals in the zoo and get rid of the rest. Lotterby is trying to make Rollo think that meerkats are fierce so they don't get thrown out] Rollo Lee: No one's ever been attacked by one of those, Lotterby, or if they have been, they never noticed.
Willa Weston: For one thing, he loves animals. Vince: Oh, he doesn't just love 'em.
[about the zoo's new owner] Rollo Lee: Starting with his father's radio stations in New Zealand, he has built up a global empire currently worth more than six billion dollars... and growing. Adrian "Bugsy" Malone: How much does he want in the end? Sydney Lotterby: Yeah. Rollo Lee: What? Adrian "Bugsy" Malone: How much bigger does he want to get? Rollo Lee: Well, there aren't any limits. He wants growth. Adrian "Bugsy" Malone: Presumably he's aware of Dr. E.F. Schumacher's concept of limited resources, or as Jean-Paul Sartre puts it... Rollo Lee: [interrupting] Any *sensible* questions?
Cub Felines: We weren't playing tricks, Bugsy. We're trying to confront him with the reality. Adrian "Bugsy" Malone: Presumably you realize... Sydney Lotterby: Bugsy, shut up! He's not a cold-blooded murderer. We've given him the five sweetest, cuddliest, most lovable... [From the woods, they hear a series of five gunshots]
Vince McCain: [Disguised as Rod] I'm going to the shed. Mother always said, when you're naughty, you go to the shed. And I've been naughty. God, I'm depressed.
Willa Weston: What about the quality of the experience? Vince McCain: No, Rod says quality has never worked for him.
Vince: No, no. This is the kind of conversation that two people have when one of them is female.
Vince McCain: You saw the papers... the, uh, Vampire Gunman Runs Amok story?
Vince McCain: Now over here, this used to be the lion house, but as it's no longer suitable for animals, we're using it for middle management. [He sees Pip and Cub kissing Rollo in a fit of gratitude] Vince McCain: What the hell do you think you're doing? Can you keep a lid on it till the sun goes down, for God's sake? You're supposed to be working, not prancing around in your cell like a... flamingo with a boner.
Willa Weston: I love this zoo. Rollo Lee: I love zoo too.
Sponsor: [Rollo has been caught being kissed by Pip and Cub] Now I know why they keep him in a cage!
Rollo Lee: About some of these sponsorship ideas. Willa Weston: Mmm? Rollo Lee: I, I wonder if you and your fiancé don't, don't feel that... some, some of them are... Willa Weston: [interrupting] Fiancé? Vince? No, no. No, no, we're not together. Rollo Lee: Ohh, good. Willa Weston: "Good"? Rollo Lee: Good. - I mean, I know we're not making 20% yet, but, but some of the marketing devices are a bit... a bit... crude? Willa Weston: Yes. Rollo Lee: Good. Because, you know, the, the keepers and, um, and I were... Willa Weston: [looking into the lemur cage, while removing her jacket to expose a skimpy dress] Oh, look at that. *Aren't* they *gorgeous*? Oh, they just make you want to *fondle* them... Rollo Lee: Oh yes. Yes, yes, uh, yes, I see what you mean. Yes. Willa Weston: Is this one your favorite? Rollo Lee: Yes, yes, I like him breast of... uh, best, ahem, of all the... the small mammaries. Mammals. (Sorry.) Ahem. Yes, his, his name's, uh, Rollo, actually. Willa Weston: Really. Rollo Lee: Hm. Yes, so I, I sort of feed him some little special tits-bits. Tits. Tid, tid, sorry, tidbits. (Keep making boobs.) Anyway, he just... loves his nuts. Willa Weston: [slowly] Does he? Hmm. And is, uh, Rollo very sexually active? Rollo Lee: Well, he, he doesn't have a, a partner at the moment. You, you know, if he, if he had one... Willa Weston: One? Rollo Lee: Hm? Willa Weston: I mean, just one? He wouldn't get bored, or...? I mean... you had two... in your cage the other day. Rollo Lee: Oh, yes, huh. I mean, um, some of those, some of those sponsorship gimmicks are a bit sexcessive... exsexi... sexiss... Willa Weston: Excessive. Rollo Lee: That's it, sorry. Freudian slit. Slut. Slot.
Willa Weston: Vince, tell me about the sponsorships. Vince McCain: What sponsorships? Willa Weston: The ones you told Rod about. Vince McCain: I made them up. Willa Weston: Vince, I... [She turns around, seeing Vince with his shirt off] Willa Weston: What are you doing? Vince McCain: [He turns around] Getting undressed [his pants drop] Vince McCain: for sex.I thought you were in the bedroom. Willa Weston: I was getting this dinner.
Rod: Christ! Vince: What? Rod: That's a biggest goddamn spider I ever saw. Vince: That's what's probably making the bleeting noise. Rod: I don't like spiders. Kill it.
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