Irwing M. "Fletch" Fletcher is a newspaper reporter being offered a large sum to off a cancerous millionaire, but is on the run, risking his job, and finding clues when it's clear he's healthy.

[During a proctological exam]
Fletch: You using the whole fist, Doc?
Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss.
Madeline: Who's Frieda?
Fletch: My secretary.
[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]
Fletch: Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.
Fletch: Why don't we go lay on the bed and I'll fill you in?
[Fletch is being interrogated by Chief Karlin and is giving him attitude]
Chief Karlin: So, what's your name?
Fletch: Fletch.
Chief Karlin: Full name?
Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.
Chief Karlin: I see, And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I'm a shepherd.
Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Officers, could you excuse us for a few moments?
Fletch: Yeah, why don't you guys go down to the gym and pump each other.
Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.
Receptionist: May I help you Dr...?
Fletch: Oh, it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get to the records room.
Receptionist: What was that name again?
Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosen. Where's the records room?
Fletch: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?
Fletch: We play tennis at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? California Racquet Club?
Fletch: Right.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch: Well, I haven't been playing in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch: No, that's "Babar".
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two B's?
Fletch: One B. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
Fletch: No elephant books.
Fletch: Come on Frank, say yes, and I'll buy you some new deodorant.
Fletch: Do you have any caviar?
Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.
Fletch: Well, then I better just take two portions of that.
[Fletch has fainted]
Records Nurse: Oh, Doctor, are you all right?
Fletch: Where am I?
Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
Fletch: The records room? Oh, then I'm fine.
Records Nurse: Can I get you something?
Fletch: Yeah, do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there.
Fletch: [narrating] As I pulled up to my imitation palatial apartment building, I noticed the familiar red OldsmoBuick of one Arnold J. Pants, esquire, attorney to the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher.
[drives around to fire escape]
Fletch: [narrating] Time to use the service entrance.
Gail Stanwyk: I didn't know you knew the Underhills.
Fletch: Yeah, well, I saved his life during the war.
Gail Stanwyk: You were in the war?
Fletch: No, he was. I got him out.
[driving away from police in car with startled teenager]
Teenager: Are you a cop?
Fletch: As far as you know.
Teenager: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?
Teenager: I sure did.
Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
Fletch: Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Gail Stanwyk: Depends on the question.
Fletch: Want some more champagne?
Gail Stanwyk: Yes.
Fletch: Are you still in love with Alan?
Gail Stanwyk: No! I mean, no, you can't ask me that question. Ask me another one.
Fletch: Why'd you let me in?
Gail Stanwyk: Um, because I'm bored.
Fletch: If you're so bored, why didn't you go to Utah with Alan?
Gail Stanwyk: Well, Utah's not exactly a cure for boredom.
Detective #1: Got a gun, creep?
Fletch: Shamu's got one, borrow his.
Detective #1: [searching Fletch] What have we here?
Fletch: That's my dick.
Chief Karlin: [shoving Fletch into a wall] Dipshit! You go back on that goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it! All right?
Fletch: [sees a picture on the wall] Hey, you and Tommy LaSorda!
Chief Karlin: Yeah.
Fletch: I hate Tommy LaSorda!
[punches glass out of the picture frame]
Alan Stanwyk: You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?
Fletch: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.
Fletch: For an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.
Fletch: (singing)Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...
Stanton Boyd: What kind of a name is Poon?
Fletch: Comanche Indian.
[to a Doberman pinscher]
Fletch: Look, defenseless babies!
Fletch: Provo, Spain?
Pan Am Clerk: Utah.
Fletch: [Fletch bumps the lawyer's forehead] He draws the foul!
Fletch: Well, the traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Godawful mess. You should see my shoes.
Fletch: If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.
Chick Hearn: [During Fletch's dream] He is actually six-five, with the afro, six-nine.
Fat Sam: I got some reds.
Fletch: You don't mean communists, do you, Sam?
Willy: What the hell you need ball bearings for?
Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple. Maybe you need a refresher course.
[leans arm on hot engine part]
Fletch: Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.
Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
Gail Stanwyk: Alan's in Utah.
Fletch: I... can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, assface. I don't work for you yet.
[after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door]
Fletch: Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.
Fletch's girlfriend: [Fletch is listening to a tape of him and his girlfriend having sex] You're not recording this, are you?
Fletch: No, never, never.
Fletch: Hey! I think our problems may just be solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo-wee! Oh, boy, I lost. Yeah. Sorry.
Gail Stanwyk: Are you always this forward?
Fletch: Only with wet, married women.
Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large?
Fletch: No, not since breakfast.
Gail Stanwyck: She looks like a hooker. Look at her. Look at her! Could you love someone who looked like that?
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
Fletch: I'm John.
Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John.
[they laugh]
Gail Stanwyk: John who?
Fletch: John Cock... tos... ton.
Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.
Fletch: Well, it's Scotch/Romanian.
Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.
Fletch: Yeah, well, so were my parents.
[Fletch is driving in the car with the Teenager]
Fletch: I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.
Teenager: [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit!
Fletch: Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.
[after Fletch gets kicked in the crotch]
Gummy: Are you okay?
Fletch: Yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.
Gail Stanwyk: I really should change.
Fletch: No! I think you should stay the same wonderful person you are today.
Gail Stanwyk: I mean, put clothes on.
Alan Stanwyk: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.
Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.
Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...?
Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Fletch: You know, what tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed together.
Alan Stanwyk: Oh? And what was that?
Fletch: Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine.
Waiter: Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club?
Fletch: No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills.
Waiter: They already left, Señor.
Fletch: It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter: Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch: Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please.
[last lines]
Fletch: [narrating] When it came to basketball Gail was a loss, but we had our own version of one-on-one and she thought I was the bravest guy in the world. Which, of course, I am. By the way, I charged the entire vacation to Mr. Underhill's American Express Card. Want the number?
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was dying for years.
Fletch: Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks.
Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.
Gail Stanwyk: I'm very flattered, but I'm also very married. You are trying to hit on me, aren't you?
Fletch: How did you guess? I'm such a heel. I don't know what came over me.
Gail Stanwyk: If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who tried to pick me up, I'd be a rich woman.
Fletch: You are a rich woman.
Gail Stanwyk: See what I mean?
Waiter: Gracias, señor.
Fletch: Tierra Del Fuego.
Fletch: You're serious.
Chief Karlin: Ask anybody.
Fletch: Can I ask someone right now?
[looks out of cell]
Fletch: How about my mom - can I call her right now?
Chief Karlin: [waves gun and looks around] I guess not.
Fletch: [narrating] I had to keep digging... without a shovel.
Receptionist: [handing Fletch a cup of coffee] Sugar, Mr. Poon?
Fletch: No, never, never.
Fletch: You would have thought that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just *whack*
[mimes door hitting him in the face]
Fletch: , and there's blood...
Gail Stanwyk: What are you doing here?
Fletch: I ordered some lunch.
Gail Stanwyk: You ordered it here?
Fletch: Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.
Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.
Frank Walker: Who?
Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a grey area.
Frank Walker: How grey?
Fletch: Charcoal.
Desk Sergeant: You better take his picture while he still has a face.
Fletch: In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one to me.
[Corrupt police chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint]
Fletch: Thank god, the... police.
Fletch: Look! Defenseless babies! Fell for the oldest trick in the book!
[Fletch has just been incarcerated by the chief of police]
Fletch: Can't keep me here, chief.
Chief Karlin: Maybe I'm not going to keep you in here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.
Fletch: Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights.
Fletch: [entering through the window] If you're wearing rubbers, leave them outside, would you?
Fletch: [narrating] In case you haven't guessed yet, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doze. I'm talking about the hard stuff, and a lot of it. I've been trying to find out who's behind it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much.
Fletch: Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo.
Fletch: Frank, I need to go to Utah.
Frank Walker: Utah?
Fletch: Yeah, Utah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. You've seen pictures of it, right?
[Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops]
Fletch: You fellas wanna read me my rights?
Detective #1: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped by him.
[Detective #2 blows Fletch a kiss]
Fletch: I'll... waive my rights.
Fletch: I love your body, Larry.
Fletch: [on the phone with Mr. Swarthow] Excuse you?
Fletch: Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.
Alan Stanwyk: I don't know if you know anything about bone cancer... Mr. Nugent, but it eats you up inside. Bit by bit.
Pan Am Clerk: I'm afraid there is someone sitting next to you.
Fletch: Oh, for... God dawd dawd! Who is it, Mr. Sinlindin?

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