Four incompetent British jihadists set out to train for and commit an act of terror.

Waj: Rubber dinghy rapids bro.
Waj: We'll blow something up.
Omar: What we gonna blow up Waj?
Waj: Internet.
Barry: [car breaks down] Fuck, Fuck, fuck it!
Omar: Did you fix this then, Barry?
Barry: Yes, I fixed it!
Omar: Did ya?
Barry: It's the parts... they're Jewish.
Omar: What parts in a car are Jewish?
[pause]
Omar: Hmm?
Fessal: Spark plugs.
Barry: Spark plugs! Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic.
Omar: You're confused bro.
Waj: I'm not confused brother! I just took picture of my face, and it's deffo not my confused face.
Waj: I think I'm confused, but I'm not sure!
Barry: Bollocks, I'm a liability! I am the Invisible Jihadi! They seek him here, they seek him there, but here's not there, he's blowing up your slag sister!
Omar: Invisible? Right. Like the time you got on the local news for baking a Twin Towers cake and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?
Barry: That is part of the plan! Hide in plain sight, you mug!
Omar: [after Fessal accidentally blows himself up] Is he a martyr or is he a Jalfrezi?
Barry: You can't win an argument just by being right!
Hassan: [Raps] I'm the Mujahideen and I'm making a scene / Now you's gonna feel what the boom-boom means / It's like Tupac said, "When I die, I'm not dead"/ We are the martyrs, you're just smashed tomatoes / Allahu Akbar!
[Audience screams as Hassan detonate his suicide belt releasing party streams]
Barry: [Silent from audience] Mashallah, brother
[Murmurs from the audience]
Hassan: [Looking at the audiences] Oh, what, man? Come on. What? Just cos I'm Muslim, you thought it was real?
Malcolm Storge MP: The report makes crystal clear that the police shot the right man, but as far as I'm aware, the wrong man exploded. Is that clear?
Waj: Aye up you unbelievin' Kuffar bastards! I'm gonna turn you to baked beans.
Ed: [conversing on the phone] Right so what sort of girls are you into, then, Waj?
Waj: I don't know. Ones with big jubblies and that.
Ed: Yeah? You like them big, Waj? Yeah.
Waj: And nice fit arses, too, man.
Ed: You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj? I knew you were, bro. You're an arse man. You're a massive arse man.
Waj: What are you saying?
Ed: I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj.
Waj: You giving me batty chirps, bro? You calling me a whammer?
Ed: No.
Waj: Fuck off!
[Ends phone conversation]
Waj: Fucking Boy George!
Barry: They'll pump you full of Viagra. Make you fuck a dog!
Waj: Yeah! Fuck mini Babybel!
Sniper: [into walkie-talkie] The bear is down. Repeat, the bear is down.
[to other sniper]
Sniper: We got the bear.
Sniper: I think that's a Wookie. That's a Wookie!
Sniper: No it's not! It's a bear!
Sniper: [into walkie-talkie] Is a Wookie a bear, Control?
Barry: You just killed the special needs donkey!
Barry: [shouting as he sticks his head through from the boot of the car] Alright Omar! I'm letting you go to Pakistan! My unit, stays here! But my unit's the main unit!
Omar: Barry, shut up, mate! 'Cause I tell ya, your little brain cell might go off now and again, but if you hands even go to move, if you try to set up the Islamic State of Tinsley again, going to university lectures, opening your big mouth, buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon... I'm gonna rip your plugs out!
Barry: Not if you're not here, you won't!
[Waj shoves Barry's head back through into the boot of the car]
Waj: [calls down the phone to Omar] Brother, I don't know what I'm doing.
[turns around to the SWAT team]
Waj: Sorry lads, I don't know what I'm doing.
[bomb goes off and smoke rises from the shutters outside]
Barry: [after starting a discussion about training camps] I object to the term training camps!
Barry: What's with the gun?
Waj: Proper replica man.
Barry: It's too small man!
Waj: Not too small, brother. Big hands!
Police Inspector: You're gonna die in that gear lads
Omar: More than likely, but it's for a good cause
Omar: [to Sophia] I'm taking my team up to the top floor now. I'll see you up there.
Omar: Soph, I can't even get them to stir their tea without smashing a window.
Barry: You can fuck her, but you can't kill her? What's wrong with you?
Omar: You're gonna do what I do, bruv?
Waj: Yeah, bruv.
Omar: I'm gonna give myself up, bruv.
Hassan: I'm a martyr, you're all squashed tomatoes.
Barry: You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch!
Ahmed: Why not come to our study group, Omar?
Omar: What, and get a four-hour dose of that face? The floaty face of the wise bird, hovering on a million quotes, about to do a massive wisdom shit on my head.

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