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Four interlocking tales that take place in a fading hotel on New Year's Eve.
Chester: Like my old grand daddy used to say, "The less a man makes declarative statements, the less apt he is to look foolish in retrospect."
Angela: Everybody starts out as strangers, Ted. It's where we end up that counts.
Ted the Bellhop: Problem? I haven't got a problem. I've got fucking problems. Plural.
Margaret: Hi, Ted. I'm Margaret. You sound down. Is your New Year's not starting off well? Ted the Bellhop: No, Margaret. This New Year's Eve is not starting off well! This one is going pretty fucking badly! Margaret: How come? Ted the Bellhop: Well, Betty leaves me to run this entire hotel by myself. And first thing, right off the bat, I get fucked by a coven of witches! Margaret: You got fucked by an oven full of witches? Ted the Bellhop: A *coven* of *witches*! Well, one witch in particular! Margaret: Ted, was she an old hag with a mole on her face with hair growing out of it? [takes a hit from her bong] Ted the Bellhop: No, no, no, she was very beautiful. Margaret: [coughs] Ted... what's the problem? Ted the Bellhop: Well... admittedly, that was the best part of the evening. It was pretty bloody good, actually... but it's still a pretty unnerving way to start off the night! Margaret: Sounds like a pretty great way to start off the night to me. Ted the Bellhop: Why don't we just skip over the witches? Margaret: Skipping the witches...
Angela: I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, hump mobile, oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbassa, schlong, dink, tool, big ben, Mr. Happy, Peter Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, piston joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, junior, little head, little guy, rumple foreskin, tootsie roll, love muscle, skin flute, roto-rooter, snake, hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby, schmeck, schmuck, schvantze, ying-yang, yang...
[how his first day is going] Ted the Bellhop: Well, most recently, there's room 309, there's this scary Mexican gangster dude poking his finger in my chest. There's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me. There's a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead whore stuck in the springs of the bed. There's rooms blazing afire. There's a big fat needle from God knows where, stuck in my leg, infecting me with God knows what. And finally there's me, walking out the door, right fucking now. Buenas noches.
[Room 309 is buzzing, Ted answers] Sarah: Ted! Ted the Bellhop: What do you want now, for Christ sakes? Who died? Sarah: I don't know, but she's in my bed. Ted the Bellhop: What? Sarah: There's a dead body in my bed. Ted the Bellhop: Nonsense! That's just your brother sound asleep. Sarah: No! There's a woman's dead body *inside* the bed in the mattress. Ted the Bellhop: You saw the body? Sarah: Yes! Ted the Bellhop: Impossible! You've got the ointment on your eyes. You can't see shit! Now go to sleep! [hangs up, but the room is still buzzing, answers again] Ted the Bellhop: Go to sleep! Sarah: I washed it off. Ted the Bellhop: The mentholatum? Sarah: Yeah. Didn't you ever think to do that? Get your ass up here and call the police, because there's a dead body in my bed, and it smells like shit, and it looks even worse. And if you don't help us, my dad is going to lay you down right next to her, I swear to fucking God! [hangs up, dial tone] Ted the Bellhop: I am coming up there right this minute! And if there isn't a dead body in that room by the time I get up there, I'm going to make one! You... [hangs up] Ted the Bellhop: Little bitch.
Ted the Bellhop: I'm coming up and if there isn't a dead body by the time I get there, I'll make one myself. You!
Sigfried: [to person on phone] There's no needles here kid, just a big fucking gun!
Man: All right. You want five hundred bucks? Ted the Bellhop: Sure. Man: [thinks for a bit] How about three? Ted the Bellhop: Three hundred dollars? Man: Yeah. Ted the Bellhop: Three's Fine. Man: Good. My children are staying here tonight watching TV. I want you to check up on them every thirty minutes. Ted the Bellhop: Check up on them? Man: Yeah, make sure they're all right. Make sure they're fed. Make sure they go to bed. You know, these things. Ted the Bellhop: Sir, I can send out for a baby-sitting service. Man: No. I don't trust baby-sitters. My children are safer alone than with some fucked-up pedophile baby-sitter I don't know from the man in the fucking moon. Wife: What about him? What makes you think you can trust him? Man: [grabs Ted's face] Tell me that's not a face you can trust. Ted the Bellhop: I'd love to help you with your problem, sir, but unfortunately I'm here alone tonight.
[after seeing that the room is on fire; Ted has a needle in his hand while holding the leg of a dead woman; Sara has a bottle of champagne in her hand, and Juancho is smoking] Man: [perks eyebrows] Did they misbehave?
Ted the Bellhop: I'm in a situation I can't begin to explain
[Leo is timing Chester for the 60 seconds he has to explain to Ted about the whole situation] Leo: Begin. Chester: Okay, Ted, pay attention here. I'm going to make two piles on the bar. One pile which is yours. And another pile which *could* be yours. And what you have to realize is we're gonna do this thing one way... or the other. Whether it's *you* who holds the axe or a Mexican maid or some bum we yank off the street. Norman: [about the money on the bar] You could buy a whole lot of soup with that pile. Chester: Shh! I'm the closer here. All right, I'm a little me - um, I've lost count. How much is on the bar here? Group: Six hundred. Chester: Okay, Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to 600? Ted the Bellhop: [Thinks for a bit] Angela: It's a rhetorical question, Ted. Ted the Bellhop: No, sir. Chester: About one minute less than it takes to count to 700. Now Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life. Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, so outside the norm, this is a good bet that is going to be one of those incidents that sticks. So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this for the rest of your life, you have to decide what that memory will be. So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, give or take a decade, that you *refused* a $1000 for one second's worth of work? Or that you *made* $1000 for one second's worth of work? Leo: Time! Chester: So, Ted, what's it gonna be? Ted the Bellhop: Okay.
[first lines] Sam the Bellhop: We used to have Fifty on staff here. Fifty! I'm the only one left. It all comes down to one schmuck, me. The night shift bellhop. What the hell is that, a bellhop? Huh, what is that? You know where the name comes from? Huh? From someone stupid! Some schmuck rings and bell and ya hop, you hop front and center.
Kiva: You're not my mother. Elspeth: Yes I am. Kiva: Then why are we sleeping together?
[after Eva is given one hour to find sperm instead of the one she swallowed out of passion] Eva: You're my last chance. Ted the Bellhop: W- Whoa. Uh-uh. No way. Nope. Besides... it's against hotel policy. I was warned. "No sex with the clientele." Eva: [bewitches Ted with her eyes] Oh. [now topless, puts her arms around dizzy Ted before the screen fades out]
Chester: This is Cristal! Everything else is just piss!
Ted the Bellhop: Your dad says he doesn't trust babysitters. Well, can't say I blame him. I had a babysitter myself once...
[last lines] Angela: I'm gonna go back to my room. Chester: I'll see ya.
Chester: Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage? Ted the Bellhop: It's quite good sir. Chester: No, no, no! It's *Fucking* good. Now let's do that again. Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage? Ted the Bellhop: It's *Fucking* good sir!
Ted the Bellhop: [to kids] Okay, these are the rules. Don't break the rules, and I won't break your necks.
Angela: Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock.
Ted the Bellhop: Later, in another room, some crazy fucking maniac sticks a gun in my face and forces me to play out some psychosexual drama with his wife. Margaret: He made you have psycho sex with his wife? Ted the Bellhop: No, he didn't make me fuck his wife, he thought I'd fucked his wife! He held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun! Margaret: What kinda gun was it? Ted the Bellhop: I don't know, I'm not a gun guy. It was big. Margaret: Was it like Dirty Harry's gun? Ted the Bellhop: Yeah, sorta like that. Yeah. Margaret: Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel? Ted the Bellhop: What difference does it make? Margaret: Well, for one thing it's the difference between a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357. Ted the Bellhop: Who the fuck cares whether it was a .44 or a .392? It was a big fucking gun, it was loaded, and it was pointed right at my fucking head.
Ted the Bellhop: A block of wood. Chester: [raps it with his knuckles] Continue. Ted the Bellhop: Three nails. Norman: Why three nails? Chester: That's how many Peter Lorre wanted. Continue, Ted. Ted the Bellhop: A ball of twine. Chester: Well, that is definitely a ball of twine. Continue. Ted the Bellhop: A bucket... of ice. Chester: You into it? Norman: I'm into it! Chester: All right, go on! Ted the Bellhop: A donut. Chester: That's for me. [eats it] Chester: Continue. Ted the Bellhop: A club sandwich. Angela: That is mine. Ted the Bellhop: And finally... a hatchet. Chester: "A hatchet as sharp as the Devil himself" is what I asked for. Ted the Bellhop: Well, sir, you be the judge. Norman: No, no, I'll be the judge. [tests it with his finger] Ted the Bellhop: Careful, sir. Chester: What do you think? Norman: It's a sharp motherfucker. All right, forget the nails and the twine and bring all this other bullshit over to the bar.
Man: Hmm. [lets go of Ted's face and pulls out some money] Man: One hundred, two hundred, three hundred. Here you are. Ted the Bellhop: I thought you said five hundred. Man: No, I said three hundred. Ted the Bellhop: No, sir. I distinctly heard you say five hundred. Man: Are you calling me a liar? Ted the Bellhop: No, sir. What I'm saying is that you accidentally forgot that the first thing you said... Man: But what I last said was three hundred, and what you say last is what counts. Ted the Bellhop: Well, then, if you say five hundred one last time, we have a deal. Man: You fucking with me, pendejo? Ted the Bellhop: No, sir, but I'm by myself, and looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need. Man: [whispering] Are you calling my kids a pain in the ass? Ted the Bellhop: Why, no, sir, not the kids. It's the situation that is a pain in the ass. Man: No, you were right the first time. They're a pain in the ass. All right. You win, tough guy. Five hundred.
Sarah: There's a dead body in my bed and it smells like shit and it looks even worse. And if you don't get your ass up here now, my Daddy's gonna lay you down next to her. I swear to fucking God!
[Leo is on the phone with his wife] Leo: Yes, it's my job. Yes, it's my fucking job, you know that. He wanted to stay out late. I can't fucking - I went to the Monkey Bar, all right? Don't yell at me - I'm not yelling. I'm not yelling. You're the one that's fucking yelling! Fuck! Don't hang up on me! Ellen, please don't hang up on me. Please don't hang up on me. Goddamn it, I swear to fucking God, if you hang up on me, that fuckin' call better be genuine, 'cause I'm gonna get a fuckin' divorce! Norman: Yo, Leo? Leo: [shouts] Fuck! Chester: Another fucking "Honeymooners" going on in there. [Leo tosses throws down his cellphone and begins throwing things around in a violent tantrum] Leo: Fuckin' shit, man! Man, what the fuck is wrong with this fuckin' bitch, man? I'm gonna take the fuckin' car, I'm gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland, I am gonna fuckin' drag her fuckin' ass and throw it down Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man! Norman: You still married, man? Leo: Yeah. I don't fuckin' know any more, I swear to Christ, Norman. I fuckin' swear to God. What the fuck is wrong? I treat this fuckin' bitch like a queen, you know that, man! Chester: I know that. Leo: So I had a little fuckin' too much to drink. It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home. Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry, I'm fuckin' sorry about that. What am I gonna do? Get in a fuckin' car and go run over six or seven fuckin' kids? That'd be really fuckin' nice! Man, what the fuck is the matter with this bitch? FUCK! [Leo suddenly notices all of the items sitting at the bar] Leo: What the fuck is all this? Ted the Bellhop: Block of wood, bucket of ice and a hatchet, sir. Leo: Get the fuck outta here. Chester, talk to me. Norman? Chester: We now return you to "The Man From Rio" already in progress. Leo: Oh, my fucking dick is hard already. Tell me, Norman, you're gonna do this shit. Norman: [laughs] I am gonna do it. Leo: Oh, you are my fucking hero.
Athena: [giving Ted a list of things they need] We need sea salt, a little bit of sea salt. Or kosher salt, if you have no sea salt. A bottle of spring water - French, not that Italian shit. Kiva: Um, yes, and could I have some French fries? Elspeth: Shut up, Kiva. Athena: Some ginger and some raw meat. Liver, if you have it. Kiva: I want fries, you stupid jerks with your dumb fucking ritual. Athena: [kicks her] Shut up, you little shit! Elspeth: Hey, don't talk to her that way.
Norman: I'm gonna tell ya what the fuck I'm talking about! I drive a motherfucking Honda that my sister sold me, ya hear what I'm saying? A little white motherfucking Honda Civic!
Chester: Let me explain what we're talking about here. Ted the Bellhop: No, sir, you don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned, well, that's your business. Chester: Well, no, it's your business, too, Ted, because we want you to take part. Ted the Bellhop: Take part in what, sir? Leo: Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently is scaring the fuck outta him. Chester: You think so? Angela: Just spit it out. Chester: Okay, you might be right. Okay, here we go, here we go, okay. Thing is, Ted, first off, there's nothing homosexual about what we want you to do. I mean, I was thinking you might be thinking we want you to do some like, weird sex thing, like suck us off, pee on us, shit like that, you know. Nothing! Nothing could be further from the truth!
Ted the Bellhop: Police! It's an emergency! Police get someone over here right fucking now. There is a dead fuckin' whore!
Sarah: Did you ever open your eyes? Ted the Bellhop: Yes. And look at me now. Sarah, Juancho: We can't.
Elspeth: If she doesn't have his goop in ten minutes, I'm going to go in there and get it myself! Jezebel: That would be a first for you!
Eva: [talking to her fellow witches after bewitching Ted to let her have her way with him] We did it right there in the big cauldron.
Angela: How can I stop talking about something that's so HUGE?
Eva: Goddess Diana, fail you I will. / I was to bring you fresh sperm from my Bill. / I had him erect and his semen would follow. / Alas, I was hot. So hot that I swallowed.
Sigfried: I tie a pretty good knot, don't I Ted?
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