Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's homage to drive-in double features in the 60s and 70s with two back-to-back cult films that include previews of coming attractions between them.

Stuntman Mike: Do I frighten you?
[Arlene nods]
Stuntman Mike: Is it my scar?
Arlene: It's your car.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. It's my mom's car.
Cherry: It's go go, not cry cry.
Dr. Dakota Block: [looking at the glove compartment] I want you to open that for mommy. Can you?
[he opens it, and there is a gun sitting inside]
Dr. Dakota Block: Take the gun.
[He takes it]
Dr. Dakota Block: Careful! That's it. And if anyone comes to the door that isn't me, I want you to shoot them. Okay? I'm not kidding Tony, you shoot them in the head.
Tony Block: What if it's dad?
Dr. Dakota Block: ESPECIALLY if it's your dad.
Trailer voiceover: [from segment Werewolf Women of the SS] Featuring Udo Kier, Sheri Moon Zombie, Tom Towles, Sybil Danning, Bill Moseley, and Nicolas Cage
[pause]
Trailer voiceover: as
[pause]
Trailer voiceover: Fu Manchu!
Fu Manchu: THIS IS MY MECCA! AHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!
Pam: Take a picture, it lasts longer.
Stuntman Mike: What?
Pam: That table. Seems to keep them getting your attention.
Stuntman Mike: Is that the girl from the billboard outside?
Pam: Yup.
Stuntman Mike: She sure is a striking looking woman. Look at that hair.
Pam: Lots of leave-in conditioner.
Stuntman Mike: Is that jealousy I detect?
Pam: Hardly. But if you wanna get with Jungle Julia, there's a real easy way to do that.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah? And what would that be?
Pam: Get famous. You won't have to find her, she'll find you. And you don't even wanna know what she did for that billboard. Enjoy it cocksucker, you've earned it.
Stuntman Mike: What did she ever do to you?
Pam: We went to school together, from kindergarten to high school, that's what she did to me. She was her height right now at twelve. She was a monster! Half the guy she still fucks from the old class she used to beat up and terrorize in the fifth grade.
Stuntman Mike: And I see she used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk.
Pam: That pituitary case might've kicked my ass a couple of times... Sorry, I'm built like a girl and not a black man, but I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.
[as Wray is dying]
Cherry: [crying] No... you can't go. Two against the world, remember?
Wray: There will be, I promise
Wray: [touching her stomach] I never miss.
Abernathy: I was wondering if my friends and I could take the car out on our own just to see if we feel comfortable in it.
Jasper: Why would I do something stupid like that?
Abernathy: To better sell your automobile.
Jasper: How do I know you're not just gonna steal it?
Abernathy: Four reasons. One: we are not thieves. Two: that would be rude. Three: we are staying at the Day's Inn in town, you can check with them, we are registered for the next month. Well, Zoe's not, but Kim and I are so we are totally track-downable.
Jasper: Who's Kim? The colored girl?
Abernathy: Yes, Kim would be the girl of color. And four, and most importantly, that will give you a chance to get to know our other friend, Lee.
[points out Lee]
Jasper: She looks kinda familiar
Abernathy: That is because she is a famous movie star. We are making a Hollywood movie here in town
Jasper: Why's she dressed like that?
Abernathy: Because it's a cheerleader movie and she's one of the cheerleaders.
Jasper: What's a cheerleader movie?
Abernathy: A movie about cheerleaders.
Jasper: Is it a porno?
Abernathy: [looks at Jasper] *Yes*! But don't mention it. She's shy.
Lee: You carry a gun?
Kim: Uh-Huh.
Lee: Do you have a license to carry it?
Kim: Yeah, when I became a secret service agent, they gave me a license.
Lee: Oh, I didn't know you were... Ok. I didn't say it. Stop looking at me. I didn't say it. God! Did you know Kim carried a gun?
Abernathy: Yes. Yeah. Do I approve? No. Do I know? Yes.
Kim: I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but in the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.
Abernathy: You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns, tend to get shot more than people who don't.
Kim: And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped!
Lee: Don't do your laundry at midnight.
Kim: Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I want to do my laundry.
Abernathy: There are other things you can carry other then a gun. Pepper spray.
Kim: Uh, muthafucka tryin to rape me, I don't want to give him a skin rash. I wanna shot that nigga down!
Abernathy: How about a knife at least.
Kim: Yeah, you know what happens to muthafuckas who carry knives. They get shot! Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I won't carry a gun. I'll hire me a dude dirt nigga and he'll carry the gun, and when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's wild west muthafucka!
Stuntman Mike: [as he rams into the Challenger] Hey, Abernathy, you wanna get hot? You wanna get hot? Suck on this for a while, bitch!
Abernathy: Why not just carry a knife instead of a gun?
Kim: You know what happens to mutha fuckers who carry knives? They get shot!
Stuntman Mike: Well Pam, which way you goin' left or right?
Pam: Right.
Stuntman Mike: Aww, that's too bad.
Pam: Why?
Stuntman Mike: Well, because there was a fifty-fifty shot on whether you'd be going left. You see, we're both going left. You could have just as easily been going left too and if that was the case, it would have been awhile before you started getting scared. But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared... immediately!
The Deputy: [Tasting the blood from the decapitated turkey mascot] It's blood.
The Sherrif: [pause] Son of a bitch!
Arlene: Who do you want to hear?
Jungle Julia: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Arlene: Who?
Jungle Julia: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Arlene: Who the fuck are they?
Jungle Julia: For your information, Pete Townsend, at one point, almost quit The Who. And if he had, he would have ended up in this group, thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich and Pete. And if you ask me, he should have.
[flips on the radio to hear "Hold Tight" by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich]
Jungle Julia: That's my boy!
Abernathy: Zoe, the motherfucking cat!
Abernathy: You best get yo' ass off Kim's car.
Lee: I've seen Kim sit on it before.
Abernathy: Her ass ain't yo' ass.
[speeding by a bunch of cows]
Kim: Moo, muthafucker, moo!
J.T.: Hey, hey. You want some barbeque? Best in Texas.
Cherry: Oh, no thanks.
J.T.: What's the matter? You don't eat meat?
Cherry: Oh, I eat meat. I also eat lots of shit.
Cherry: [grins] See that?
J.T.: What's that?
Cherry: Shit-eating grin.
J.T.: [laughs] You ought to be a comedian.
Cherry: What do you think of the leg?
J.T.: [laughs] Sure is funny.
Abernathy: Hello sir! What's your name?
Jasper: Jasper.
Abernathy: Hello Jasper, I'm Abernathy.
Jasper: Aber- what?
Abernathy: Abernathy.
Jasper: But what's your first name?
Abernathy: That is my first name.
Jasper: What kind of first name is that?
Abernathy: You know what, why don't you just call me Abby.
Jasper: Okay.
[repeated line]
Wray: I never miss.
Wray: I like the way you say 'fuck'.
Dr. William Block: You gotta lose the arm, Joe.
Joe: Lose the arm? What do you mean, "lose the arm?" My arm?
Pam: [Stuck in Stuntman Mike's car] If you just stop right now, you know, and, and let me out, I'll never tell anybody...
Stuntman Mike: Hey, Pam, remember when I said this car was death proof? Well, that wasn't a lie. This car is a hundred percent death proof. Only to get the benefit of it, honey, you REALLY need to be sitting in my seat.
[slams his foot onto the brake and sends Pam flying face-first into his dashboard]
J.T.: That boy's got the devil in him.
Zoe: You know some cultures might say he made the wiser choice.
Abby: I also want your balls.
[repeated line]
Cherry: I was going to be a stand-up comedian.
Earl McGraw: God, dammit! Ramona, you've been fartin' like a goddamned pack mule.
Stuntman Mike: [to Arlene] There are few things fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.
Lt. Muldoon: Where's... the... shit?
Zoe: I'll be your slave. I'll do anything you want... I'll even crack your back.
Kim: You'll do that anyways.
Zoe: Yes, but this time, you won't even have to ask, you can just say "Bitch, do it" and I'll do it.
Stuntman Mike: So, how about that lapdance?
Arlene: What's your name again?
Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.
Arlene: Well, Stuntman Mike, I'm Butterfly. My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah, it is.
Arlene: Yeah? Why don't you go get ready for your lapdance?
[Stuntman Mike gets up and walks back into the bar]
Arlene: Hey, Mike.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah?
Arlene: No touch.
Stuntman Mike: No.
Arlene: I touch you, you don't touch me.
Stuntman Mike: I know.
Arlene: Good.
The Rapist: [muffled] You like Ava Gardner?
Cherry: Sorry?
The Rapist: [takes off gas mask] Ava Gardner. D'you like her?
Cherry: Yeah, I guess.
The Rapist: I was just thinkin' that you, uh, kinda look like Ava Gardner, a little bit.
The Rapist: [stops elevator and turns back to Cherry] You have somethin' you wanna say to me?
Cherry: I have nothing to say to you.
The Rapist: You have nothing to say to me? That's funny, cuz I could've sworn you just gave me a 'fuck you' look right now. You wanna say 'fuck you' to me?
Cherry: Not at this moment.
The Rapist: [pulls gun out of holster] You know what this is?
Cherry: A gun.
The Rapist: It's simplicity itself. You see, you point it at what you want to die. And you pull the little trigger here. And a little bullet comes outta here.
[presses gun barrel against Cherry's cheek]
The Rapist: And the little bullet... hits you right there!
[indicates Cherry's forehead]
The Rapist: And you know what? You don't look like Ava Gardner no more.
The Rapist: [grabs her hair as giant bubbles appear on his face] Do not taunt me, tramp. I am not one to be taunted. Say 'I got it'. SAY 'I GOT IT'!
Cherry: I... got it.
[turns elevator back on]
Cherry: [to herself] Tool.
[repeated line]
Kim: I'm gonna bust a nut up in this bitch right now!
Abby: [head is blown in half]
Cherry: Is anyone else here a bio-chemical engineer?
Cherry: Name's Cherry Darling...
Wray: Sounds like a stripper name
Cherry: No, it sounds like a go-go dancer name. There's a difference.
Kim: Motherfucker try to rape me, I don't wanna give him a skin rash, I wanna shut that nigga down.
[chasing after Stuntman Mike]
Kim: I'm about to bust a nut up in this bitch, muthafucker!
Earl McGraw: [about Doc Block] Never did like that son of a bitch. About as useless as a pecker on a pope.
Pam: So how exactly does one become a stuntman?
Stuntman Mike: Well, in Hollywood, anyone fool enough to throw themselves down a flight of stairs can usually find someone to pay them for it. But really, I got into the business the way most people get into the stunt business.
Pam: How's that?
Stuntman Mike: My brother got me in it.
Pam: Who's your brother?
Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Bob.
Pam: Hey Warren, is there anybody in this place you could vouch for to give me a ride home?
Stuntman Mike: [tosses keys across table in front of Pam] Fair lady, your chariot awaits.
Pam: You've been eavesdropping?
Stuntman Mike: [chuckles] Eavesdropping and can't help but hear, I think I belong in the latter category.
Pam: So, uh, "icy hot", you're offering me a ride home?
Stuntman Mike: I'm offerin' you a lift, if, when I'm ready to leave, you are too.
Pam: And when are you thinking about leaving?
Stuntman Mike: Truthfully, I'm not thinkin' about it. But when I do, you will be the first to know.
Pam: Will you be able to drive later?
Stuntman Mike: I know looks can be deceiving, but I'm a teetotaler. I've been drinking club soda and lime all night, and now I'm buildin up to my big drink.
Pam: Which is what?
Stuntman Mike: Virgin Pina Colada.
Pam: [pause] Okay. Why would someone who doesn't drink spend hours at a bar, drinking water?
Stuntman Mike: You know, a bar offers all kinds of things other than alcohol.
Pam: Hmm, really. Like what?
Stuntman Mike: [pause] Women. Nacho Grande platters. The fellowship of some fascinating individuals, like Warren here.
Pam: Fair enough. So what's your name, icy?
Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.
Pam: [pause] "Stuntman Mike's" your name?
Stuntman Mike: You can ask anybody.
Pam: Hey Warren, who is this guy?
Warren: Stuntman Mike.
Pam: And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?
Warren: He's a stuntman.
Stuntman Mike: [to Zoë] Get ready to fly, bitch!
Sheriff Hague: Don't shoot yourself. Don't shoot each other. And especially... don't shoot me.
[Machete trailer: Machete sharpens a machete]
Announcer: [voiceover] He knows the score...
[cut to The Boss picking up a phone]
The Boss: Where are my wife and daughter?
[cut to Machete in a pool with The Boss's wife and daughter]
Announcer: [voiceover] He gets the women!
Dr. Dakota Block: I want you to to take this gun, and if anyone comes to the door who's not me, I want you to shoot them. Shoot them in the head - just like in your video games.
Zoe: [jumps up after being thrown from the hood of the car] I'm ok!
Stuntman Mike: Ladies, we're gonna have some fun.
Stuntman Mike: You know how people say, YOU'RE OKAY IN MY BOOK, or AND IN MY BOOK THAT'S NO GOOD. Well, I actually have... a book. And everybody I ever met goes in this book. And now I've met you, and... YOU'RE GOING IN THE BOOK TOO. Unfortunately, now I'm gonna have to file you under chicken... shit.
Stuntman Mike: The woods are lovely dark and deep, and I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me butterfly? Miles to go before you sleep.
Pam: So what's your name icy?
Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.
Pam: Stuntman Mike's your name.
Stuntman Mike: You ask anybody.
Pam: Hey Warren, Who is this guy?
Warren: Stuntman Mike.
Pam: And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?
Warren: He's a Stuntman.
Kim: Now, what did you say after the last time?
Zoe Bell: Look, I know what I said...
Kim: What did you say?
Zoe Bell: I know I said we shouldn't do this again...
Kim: No! You didn't say we shouldn't, you said we ain't ever gonna do that again.
Zoe Bell: Yeah, but...
Kim: But, my ass! You said not only are we never gonna play "ships mast" again, but you also said that if you ever do what you're trying to do now, to not only refuse, but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary. Now, did you or did you not say that?
Zoe Bell: What...!
Kim: No, no, no, no! Answer the question, motherfucker! Did you or did you not say that?
Zoe Bell: Yes, I said that. However...
Kim: Whatever witch your however.
Sheriff Hague: Where the hell are you going?
Wray: I'm going to get Cherry.
Sheriff Hague: Fine, but we're taking my car.
[his car explodes]
Sheriff Hague: [looking back at Wray] I'm riding with you.
Announcer: [from Segment "Don't] If you... are thinking... of going... into... this house... DON'T!
Kim: [horn honks] Hey good looking! We'll be back to pick you up later!
Lee: [Jasper laughs] Gulp.
Kim: Actually, we're paying you a compliment cause we're gonna do some stupid shit, but that's ok, cause we're stunt people, we ain't got good sense, but you've got good sense, and anybody with good sense ain't gonna wanna do what we're doin'.
Tony Block: [playing with Zombie toys] I'm gonna eat your brains and gain your knowledge.
Dr. Dakota Block: And after this one... you'll never see me again.
Announcer: If you're going to hire Machete to kill the bad guy, you'd better make damn sure the bad guy isn't you!
[as she beats Dakota's car with a shovel]
Babysitter Twin #2: We're gonna kill you!
'Thanksgiving' Announcer: White meat, dark meat. All will be carved. THANKSGIVING.
The Rapist: I'm gettin' my dick wet.
Rapist #2: She's only got one leg.
The Rapist: Easier access.
Rapist #2: Oh... that is a good point.
[from Machete trailer]
Priest: I took a vow of peace. And now you want me to help you KILL these men?
Machete: Yes, bro... I mean Padre.
Priest: I'll see what I can do.
[pumps shotguns]
Sheriff Hague: Give him the gun. Give him all the guns.
Lt. Muldoon: You want the story? I'll spin it for you quick.
Wray: Would you quit crying over fucking spilt milk?
Cherry: I have no leg!
Cherry: I'm Cherry.
Dr. Dakota Block: You sure are.
Wray: Did you find what was in the pocket?
Cherry: Fuck no.
Wray: Look for it.
Cherry: [searches through one pocket]
Wray: No, the other one.
Cherry: [searches through the other pocket and takes out a box with a ring inside it]
Wray: I was gonna give it to you, but you left me. 'Cuz you took the jacket...
Cherry, Wray: ...and I looked for it for two weeks.
Wray: Read it.
Cherry: Two against the world.
Wray: Remember that?
Cherry: I never forgot it.
Stuntman Mike: [after losing the girls] Yeah, yeah, Yeah! Jesus fucking christ... it's about time!
[last lines]
Stuntman Mike: Be careful, my right arm's broken!
Kim: What, *this*?
[cracking]
Stuntman Mike: Oww!
Abernathy: Such a fuckin' cry-baby!
[punches Mike, the other girls take turns]
Zoe: Oh, you want some of this?
Abernathy: Fuck yeah!
Kim: Come here!
Abernathy: Ha ha ha!
[series of punches]
Abernathy: Motherfucker!
Kim: Motherfucker!
Abernathy: Asshole!
[Zöe delivers a spinning kick to Mike's face, and the girls throw their hands up in victory]
[from segment 'Thanksgiving']
Trailer voiceover: You'll come home for the holidays... in a body bag.
[looking at a photo of Jungle Julia]
Stuntman Mike: You got a kiss for me, my girlfriend?
[Kim and Zoe are convincing Abernathy to convince Jasper to take his 1970 Dodge Challenger for a test drive]
Zoe: What are you going to do? Blow him?
Abernathy: [repulsed] No!
Abernathy: [pause] I'm going to insinuate that Lee is.
[Abby is being held down around some severed testicles]
Lt. Muldoon: Looks like I got you by the balls, Abby.
Abby: You certainly have.
Lt. Muldoon: Where are my men?
Abby: [throws a bag to Lt. Muldoon] I put several right here.
Lt. Muldoon: What the fuck is this?
Abby: Their balls, sweetheart.
Henchman: Please, Father. Have mercy.
Priest: God has mercy. I don't.
[as she beats Dakota's car with a shovel]
Babysitter Twin #2: Where do you think you're going, you fucking bitch?
[repeated line]
J.T.: Best in Texas.
Announcer: [first lines, voiceover] They called him Machete.
Machete: [voiceover] Seventy dollars a day for yard work. Hundred for roofing.
The Boss: [car with The Boss pulls up] Get in.
Machete: [cut to Machete in car with The Boss] One-twenty-five for septic... sewage.
The Boss: Have you ever killed anyone before?
Jungle Julia: But maybe a little later in the evening, you've had a few drinks, you're kind of losey gosey, you're safe with your girls. Then some kinda cute, kinda hot, kinda sexy, hysterically funny but not funny looking guy comes over and says it - then maybe you did it earlier and maybe you didn't.
Kim: Oh you know I can't let you go...
Abernathy: Kim?
Kim: Not without tappin' that ass...
Zoe Bell: Umm Kim?
Kim: One... More... TIME!
Jungle Julia: The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
Jungle Julia: And I've got promises to keep.
Jungle Julia: And miles to go before I sleep.
Jungle Julia: Did you hear that butterfly?
Jungle Julia: Miles to go before you sleep.
Trailer voiceover: Don't.
Eva Krupp: We are now in total control of Pure Wolf!
Abernathy: [during a high-speed car chase] Did you just hit a boat?
The Rapist: I've seen me a lot of weird shit in my day, but I ain't never seen a one-legged stripper. I seen me a stripper with one breast. And I seen me a stripper with twelve toes. I've even seen me a stripper with no brains at all, but I ain't never seen a one-legged stripper. And I've been to Morocco.
Wray: That's my jacket. I looked for it for two weeks.
Cherry: You a doctor?
Dr. Dakota Block: Hm. I was earlier tonight.
Cherry: I always wanted to be a doctor, instead, I can do this. Useless talent number 66. I'm very pliable.
Dr. Dakota Block: You know my girlfriend had a theory, she said that you find a use for every useless talent you ever had.
Cherry: I'm not that optimistic. I feel like I'm stuck a drain and I can't get out.
Dr. Dakota Block: [Interrupts Cherry] She'd say, "when you're stuck in that spiral, just reach up".
Cherry: What if there's nothing up there?
Dr. Dakota Block: Just reach up.
The Rapist: [Comes in] You're a dancer.
Cherry: I was earlier tonight.
The Rapist: Well I'm pulling you out of retirement!
J.T.: Alright, but you gotta take this recipe to the grave.
Sheriff Hague: I think I can god damn guarantee that.
Dr. Dakota Block: No more dead bodies for daddy tonight.
Stuntman Mike: How do you think they accomplish that?
Pam: CGI?
Stuntman Mike: Well, nowadays unfortunately you're right more often than not. But back in the all or nothing days, the Vanishing Point days, the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days, the White Line Fever days, they had real cars crashing into real cars and real dumb people driving em.
Wray: So what are you going to do now?
Cherry: I'm going to be a stand-up comedian.
Wray: You're not funny
Cherry: That's what I keep trying to tell everybody but they all say I'm hilarious
Wray: But you're not
Cherry: There's a difference between being frank... and being dick.
Kim: I'm the horniest motherfucker on the road!
[Machete trailer]
Announcer: [voiceover] But they soon realize...
The Boss: He's coming after *us*!
[cut to Machete opening his jacket to reveal an arsenal of machetes]
Announcer: They just fucked with the wrong Mexican!
Dov: But sometime earlier in the night I did have fuckability style, right?
Pam: Is that cowboy wisdom?
Stuntman Mike: I'm not a cowboy, Pam. I'm a stuntman.
Cherry: Look, you were being an unbelievable dick. I was walking out on you. I was cold, I took your fucking jacket. So, if you're go on one of your psycho, obsessive, controlling rants about a fucking jacket, then fucking take it 'cuz I'd rather fucking freeze than fucking hear about it one more time.
Abby: You killed Bin Laden?
Lt. Muldoon: I put two in his heart, one in his computer.
Wray: So that was you.
Wray: That's my jacket. I looked for that jacket for two weeks.
Cherry: Oh, really, Wray? How long did you look for me?
Wray: The jacket belonged to me. You didn't.
Lt. Muldoon: Get Lewis down here.
Soldier: He's getting his dick wet, sir.
Lt. Muldoon: Get him the fuck down here... NOW!

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