Lazy Anton's right hand becomes possessed with murderous intent.

Anton: Hey, I didn't kill anyone on purpose, okay?
Mick: Yeah, well, we weren't in hell! I mean, there was this bright white light at the end of a long tunnel, right, and there was these chicks' voices, and that music...
Anton: Music?
Pnub: Yeah, kinda uncool music, like, Enya. And these chicks' voices, they were saying, "come to us, come towards the light".
Anton: So what happened?
Mick: We figured, fuck it, I mean, it was really far!
[last lines]
Mick: Hey, you were right. Anton does scream like a girl!
Pnub: You think we should tell him that we put that writing on the ceiling?
Mick: Fuck it!
Pnub: Hey, let's go walk through a nurse!
Mick: Okay, but be careful. Some of them are guys.
Debi: There is evil out there, and I'm gonna kick its ass!
Pnub: Why would we go to hell? We're not bad, we're not exactly good or anything, but at least we don't go around killing people!
Pnub: [after finding Curtis and his date dead in his car] What a waste.
Mick: I thought you didn't like Curtis.
Pnub: I'm talkin' about that ass!
Mick: Well, at least he died happy.
Mick: [holding an electric carving knife] Look at me! Look at me! I'm Leatherface!
Pnub: Maybe we should clean that up.
Mick: Yeah, and while we're at it, let's just clean the whole fuckin' house.
Anton: [Hears moaning coming from Mick's grave] Mick?
Mick: Over here. Anton, help me. Come on, man, I can't breathe down here. Anton? Anton, can you hear me?
Anton: [Kneels and leans over Mick's grave] Mick?
Mick: Yeah man, it's Mick.
Anton: You're dead!
Mick: No I'm not! You conked me on the head pretty good. I must've been unconcious.
Anton: You think?
Mick: I know fucker, now dig me up!
Pnub: As usual, marijuana saves an otherwise disastrous day.
[after seeing the message on the ceiling]
Dad Tobias: It's just a prank
[clicks off flashlight]
Dad Tobias: Anton.
Mom Tobias: Anton? Our little scooter would never do something like that!
Dad Tobias: Quit calling him that baby name. Anton would not scoot his behind off the couch if the house was on fire!
Anton: [while attempting to cut his hand off] This is it, I know it.
Pnub: Those things won't even cut my bagel.
Anton: What the fuck are you doing, man? Come on, that's my dad!
Pnub: CPR, man! I saw it on Baywatch, man!
Mick: SWEET JESUS!
Pnub: Ok, that wasn't my fault, that thing should've come down a LOT slower!
[after the anticlimactic destruction of the hand]
Mick: That's it? That's it? No explosions, no hellfire, no -
[screeches demonically]
Mick: I mean, no, I'm glad everybody's all right, but... that was weak.
Pnub: Don't you watch the news?
Anton: I hate that fucking show.
Mick: Let's go walk through a nurse.
Debi: My work here is done. Time for the ritualistic sex!
Pnub: Hey, don't forget my bong.
Mick: You did not make that bong.
Pnub: Yeah, I arc-welded it and shit.
Mick: You don't even take auto shop.
Pnub: Fuck you!
Anton: You lied to me!
Mick: You killed me, let's try to keep this thing in perspective here!
Anton: Who's your daddy now, bitch, huh? Who's your fucking daddy now?
Anton: So, what are you guys doing here?
Pnub: We need a place to kick it. Don't be selfish, Anton! No one else's parents are dead!
Mick: That is some one-hit shit.
Mick: I'm gonna go call 911. What's the number?
Pnub: [Anton, Mick and Pnub, find that the 'killer' has written the word 'ANT' on the floor in blood after finding the corpses of Anton's parents] "Ant?" They-they were killed by ants?
Mick: [annoyed] Please don't be stupid.
[to Anton]
Mick: Do you have, like, an evil aunt?
Mick: OK,I'm not going through all this Tanya.
Tanya: No, screw him! I mean, he'll be fine.
Pnub: And if your mother had teeth, she wouldn't suck dick so well. What's your point?"
Mick: It's Mighty Joe bong!
Mick: Anton it's killing me to see me to see you this stressed out man. You cut off your hand in the interest of who knows how many others. So, what I want you to do is take a little Anton time. Okay just relax, kick back my man.
Anton: No, no, no, you know what? Not this time. Okay I'm through with that, I mean all I do is I sit around all day I veg out, I watch TV, I smoke pot...
Mick: No, no, no, no Kevin Costner speeches okay? Let's just go.
Randy: Idle hands are the devil's playground.
Mick: [to 911 operator] There is something wrong with my friend, I think he smoked some nutmeg or something.
Anton: All I do is sit around all day, smoke pot, watch TV...
Mick: No, no! No Kevin Costner speech, let's just go!
Mick: Hey, you're right, Anton screams like a girl.
Pnub: This ain't Dominos you lazy bitch, come get it yourself!
Randy: Oh man, I cannot believe you cock-blocked me like that. I thought we were buds!
Tanya: I feel just awful the way I treated them while they were alive. Like this one time... they asked me if I would like to go on a double date. They didn't want me to bring a girlfriend. They just wanted me and the two of them... together. A sort of threesome. I thought they were 'tards or something...
[starts crying]
Tanya: So... I told them to go blow each other.
Randy: Wow! Did they?
Anton: [after cutting his hand off] Where did it go?
Pnub: What, you mean the hand?
Anton: Of course I mean the hand!
Pnub: Try looking up your ass.
Pnub: [while Mick is clapping] Go go Buffalo!
Pnub: Watch the head. It's on kinda loose.
[Anton is about to chop off his 'evil' right hand]
Mick: Wait a minute. If you chop off your right hand, how are you going to chop the other one off?
Anton: Oh no, man, the lefty's a keeper. I mean, I guess it wasn't idle enough.
Mick: Really?
Anton: Oh yeah, I mean, I hit the remote with it, light up with it, relieve a little tension. No, this is the answer.
Anton: Everybody go home, there's a psycho killer here! I cut off my hand, and now it's gonna kill you all!
Girl outside Burger Jungle: Like this one time they asked me to go on a double date, and I thought they were 'tards or something...
[starts crying]
Girl outside Burger Jungle: ... so I told them to go blow each other.
Randy: Wow! Did they?
Anton: [singing] Devil girl, with nothin' to lose, she's got wind in her hair and gum on her sho-o-o-es!
Mick: Yeah, I was a little bitter about the getting killed by my best friend thing, but I've had time to get over it.
[Molly's dress rips revealing her underwear]
Pnub: Bet she wins best costume.
Pnub: You scream like a girl.
Pnub: Why don't you just go over there and tell her your name. Maybe she'll think you're... funny or something.
Anton: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today because you're all dead... and it's all my fault. Mom, Dad, you fed me, kept a roof over my head until I killed you. Which I guess doesn't make me a very good son. But, I'm gonna try to change.
[hand twitches]
Anton: Mick, Pnub I'll never forget all those times we sat around, watched TV and got really, really stoned. And all those other times we just... well I guess that's all we did.
[picks flowers from garden and throws them over the 'graves']
Anton: Amen.
Anton: We're gathered here today... um... because you're all dead.

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