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A pair of buddies conspire to save their best friend from marrying the wrong woman.
Wayne: Our enemy is wicked, so... J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger. Wayne: Damien. J.D.: Dude, she's Vader. Wayne: No! She's the Emperor. J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits. Wayne: Ok, now Sandy, that girl, she's a real nice girl. J.D.: Ah, yeah. Wayne: She's a sweetheart. J.D.: Dude, a saint. Wayne: A goddess. J.D.: A princess. Wayne: No what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa. J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.
Wayne: So Darren tells me you're a psychologist. Judith: That's right. Wayne: I'm in a related field. Judith: Really? What is it? Wayne: Pest and rodent removal. Judith: How is that related? Wayne: We both help people.
Wayne: Dude! J.D.: Dude! Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door? J.D.: I'm eatin'. Wayne: So? J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'. Wayne: Since when? J.D.: Since always. Wayne: I never knew that. J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay. Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me? J.D.: I got three balls. Wayne: Shut up! God! J.D.: Dude. Dude. Dude!
Coach Norton: Remember, boys! STAY AWAY from women! All they want from you is your man-juice! If you ever get the kind of urges that cannot be supressed by hard liquor, then use this! [showing them his right hand]
J.D.: Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.
J.D.: [bringing a box of videos to Judith] Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.
[after Sandy has left with Wayne and J.D] Mother Superior: Damn! Lost another one! Nun: Son of a bitch.
[Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren] Wayne: She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants. J.D.: I thought his ass looked tighter!
[Judith has torched Darren's Neil Diamond albums] J.D.: She torched Neil? You're right. She is a monster.
[approaching America Avenue] Neil Diamond: Hey, we're coming to America.
Darren: I don't have much time, guys. I have to go home and wax Judith's legs.
[after Wayne, Sandy, and Neil Diamond crashed and ruined Judith's wedding by getting Darren back with Sandy, Judith becomes enraged with anger by walking towards Wayne and smacks him with a chair] Judith: [screaming] YOU RUINED MY LIFE! Wayne: [Judith pulls Wayne's legs] Ah! But I saved Darren's! Judith: Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough to hook up with YOU! [Wayne yells and screams while throwing Judith to the aisle] Wayne: Hey! Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me you liked it? Judith: Yeah, you're right. I have a weakness for incompotent morons. [Judith smacks Wayne in the mouth and one of his teeth come out his lips. Then Wayne does the same thing and Judith spits out the loose tooth] Wayne: [choking each other] Admit it! Aah! I'm the strong-willed, assertive man you ever needed and you're the hardcore bitch I've always dreamed of!
Coach Norton: By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman? Wayne: Uhh yeah, yeah we snuffed that broad just like ya said Coach Norton: Good, how'd ya do it? Wayne: We um... J.D.: Ate her... Coach Norton: You ate her? Wayne: Yea, we ate her J.D.: Alive Coach Norton: My hat goes off to you, you boys are smart, that's the perfect crime.
J.D.: You've been pinching loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there!
Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples. Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls. Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
Judith: [to Wayne] There is no right girl for you! And if you've already met her, she's probably either killed herself, or become a lesbian.
J.D.: Do you want anything to drink? Judith: Scotch on the rocks J.D.: Do you want ice with that?
J.D.: Neil! I wanna party with you! I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!
J.D.: She used her super-intellect on me! She's like Hanibal Lecter.
Judith: Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges!
J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like, [making obscene gestures with his hands] J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha! Wayne: Dude, mimes don't talk. J.D.: They do when they're off duty.
Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming? Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?
Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend? J.D.: Yes... No! Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man? J.D.: Which man? Judith: Any man! J.D.: You mean like a tall man? Judith: Sure, whatever! J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me! Judith: What about a short man? J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets! Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all? J.D.: Does that include celebrities?
Wayne: You're not gay... you're just confused. J.D.: Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me? Wayne: NO!
Coach Norton: When are you going to get hitched there, son? J.D.: Actually I'm not, I'm GAY. Coach Norton: Oh... me too!
J.D.: What happened? Judith: [Karate yell] Wah!
[Wayne shows Darren a time chart he made reflecting how Darren's relationship with Judith has affected their lives. He begins by pointing to a line reflecting their fun level, labeled 'F'] Wayne: Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight. [shows the fun levels large decline] Wayne: [Points to line reflecting their band, labeled 'B'] Wayne: Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well. [Points to line reflecting girls, labeled 'G'. The line remains extremely low throughout the chart] Wayne: Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO! [Points to line representing their masturbation levels, labeled 'WO', the line very quickly rises so that it runs off the chart] Wayne: This has obviously lead to increased whacking off! J.D.: I'm chafing.
Coach Norton: So when are you getting hitched? J.D.: Actually, I'm not. I'm gay. Coach Norton: Me too.
J.D.: Maybe she's a herm. Darren: A what? J.D.: Ya know, a herm. A little puss, little dick.
Wayne: Dude, you don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime.
Judith: It took balls. Big balls.
J.D.: Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember? Sandy: Um, no I don't think I recall... J.D.: Yeah, c'mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body? Sandy: Um... J.D.: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong? Sandy: No, JD, I really... J.D.: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks.
Darren: I love you too, Judith. Sandy: Judith?
Coach Norton: What is it that I always said? J.D., Wayne: If you can dream it, you can do it. Coach Norton: Exactly! You have the dream. All you need to do is turn it into reality.
Darren: You're a lot stronger then you were in high school. Sandy: Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym.
Wayne: [when Darren is mourning] You promised Sandy you'd be there. You gave her your word. Darren: I didn't even talk to her. Wayne: O.K. I gave her your word. Darren: Come on Wayne. When are you gonna forget about the idea that i'll go out with Sandy? Wayne: When you go out with Sandy.
Coach Norton: [Watches a live feed of Judith locked up in the garage on the TV] What the hell we got here? Some kind of public access show or something? Wayne: [Nervously] Yeah. Coach Norton: Wait a minute, that's the kidnap victim, ain't it? You didn't kill her. Wayne: No, coach. Coach Norton: I'm real disappointing in you boys. Now I want you to go out there and off that cooze. Wayne: We can't, coach. Coach Norton: [Notices Judith untying herself from the chair] FOR PETE'S SAKE! She's getting out! Go chop her head off or something! Coach Norton: [J.D. and Wayne don't budge] There's no fight left in you! You're nutless! You've been pussified! Don't worry about a thing boys I'll take care of that broad.
[in the R-rated version] Wayne: [in the R-rated version] I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse J.D.: It's true!