Randy: [from the trailer] There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to create a successful sequel. Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate - more blood, more gore - *carnage candy*. And number three: never, ever, under any circumstances, assume the killer is dead.
Sydney: [Answering the phone] Hello? Phone Voice: Hello Sydney remember me? Sydney: What do you want? Phone Voice: I want you, it's showtime! Sydney: Then why don't you show your face you fucking coward! [Hangs up phone] Phone Voice: My pleasure! [Suddenly enters the room and lunges out at her]
Film Teacher: You could say that what happened in that theatre was a direct result of the movie itself. Cici: That is so Moral Majority. You can't blame real life violence on entertainment. Film Class Guy #1: Yes you can. Don't you ever watch the news? Film Class Guy #2: Hello? The murderer was wearing a ghost mask just like in the movie. It's directly responsible. Cici: No, it's not. Movies are not responsible for our actions. Mickey: Its a classic case of life, imitating art, imitating life. Film Class Mopey Girl: Its not hypothetical, it's not about art. I had biology with that girl. This is reality. Randy: Thank you. I agree with you. Let me tell you about reality, Mickey. I lived through this, okay? Life is life. It doesn't imitate anything. Mickey: Oh come on Randy, with all due respect, the killer obviously patterned himself after two serial killers who were immortalized on film. Film Class Guy #2: Thank you! Film Teacher: So, you're suggesting that someone is trying to make a real life sequel? Randy: Stab 2? Who would wanna do that? Sequels suck! Oh please, please! By definition alone, sequels are inferior films! Mickey: It's bullshit generalization. Many sequels have surpassed their originals. Randy: Oh yeah? Cici: Name one. Film Class Guy #1: Aliens. Far better than the first. Cici: Yeah, well, there's no accounting for taste. Randy: Thank you. Ridley Scott Rules. Name another. Film Class Guy #2: No way. Aliens is a classic. "Get away from her, you bitch!" Randy: I believe the line is "Stay away from her, you bitch." This is a film class right? Film Class Guy #2: Got you. Whatever. You know what I mean. Randy: Name another. Mickey: T-2. Cici: You got a hard-on for Cameron. Randy: A big one.
Cotton: I don't know about homicide, but you've definitely got me for raising my voice in a public library.
Gale: Hey, you'd better check your conscience at the door sweetie. I'm not here to be loved.
Maureen Evans: Bitch, hang up the phone and star-69 his ass!
Film Class Mopey Girl: So Mr. Originality, how would you make it different? Randy: I'd let the geek get the girl.
Phone Voice: Why are you even here Randy? You'll never be the leading man. Randy: Fuck you! Phone Voice: No matter how hard you try you'll never be the hero and you'll never ever get the girl.
[answering phone] Sydney: Hello? Hello? Phone Voice: Hello Sidney. Sydney: Yes? Phone Voice: What's your favorite scary movie? Sydney: Who is this? Phone Voice: You tell me. Sydney: [picks up caller ID] Cory Gillis, 555-0176. Phone Voice: Shit! Sydney: Hot flash Cory... Phone Voice: Shit! Sydney: ...prank calls are a criminal offense prosecuted under penal code 653M. [caller hangs up] Sydney: Hope you enjoyed the movie.
Film Class Guy #1: No way. The first Terminator is historical. Randy: Yeah... Sarah Connor. Yes. [shoots] Film Class Guy #2: Alright, alright. House II: The Second Story. [class hits him] Randy: The entire horror genre was destroyed by sequels. Mickey: I got it, by the way. I got it. Godfather Part II. Randy: [as Marlon Brando] That's very good. Very good. That's an Oscar winning exception.
Dewey: How do you know that my dimwitted inexperience isn't merely a subtle form of manipulation, used to lower people's expectations, thereby enhancing my ability to effectively manuever within any given situation?
Dewey: When did she start smoking? Randy: Ever since those nude pictures on the internet. Gale: It was just my head, it was Jennifer Aniston's body!
Joel: Look, granted, I should've read your book before I took this job, but I'm reading it now and, whoa! I just read what happened to your last camera man. The guy got gutted. Now I'm gonna do what any rational human being would do and that is to get the fuck outta here. Gale: First of all, he wasn't gutted; I made that part up... his throat was slashed. Joel: Gale, gutted, slashed, the guy ain't in the union no more.
Randy: Oh yeah? We'll lets re-direct the moment Mr. I'm So Original. Where's your motivation? Huh? Why copy yourself off of two high school loser ass dickheads? Stu was a pussy ass wet rag. And Billy Loomis? Billy Loomis, what the fuck? Jesus! Talk about a rat looking homo repressed momma's boy! Why not set your goals higher huh? You wanna be one of the big boys! Huh? Manson, Bundie, O.J, Son of...
Sydney: Yea? Well, you're forgetting one thing about Billy Loomis. Mickey: What's that? Sydney: I fucking killed him!
Debbie: Please Miss Weathers, it would just be such an honor if I could get a quote from you for my story. Gale: All right. Begin quote. Debbie: Great. Gale: Your flattering remarks are both desperate and obvious. End quote!
Hallie: I like the little furry things. Mickey: Ewoks, they blow.
Phil Stevens: We got these tickets for free. Maureen Evans: It's some dumb-ass white movie about some dumb-ass white girls getting their white asses cut the fuck up, okay?
[Sidney, Gale and Cotton look at the body of Mrs. Loomis, after being shot down by Cotton] Gale: Is she dead? Sydney: I don't know. They always come back. [as if to confirm what Sidney just said, Mickey leaps to his feet screaming, despite his injuries. Gale and Sidney turn to him and spray him with bullets. Mickey is knocked backwards and collapses, dead] Cotton: Woah! [Sidney approaches the body of Mrs. Loomis and shoots at her forehead. The body twitches a bit, then is still again. Gale and Cotton stare at Sidney, shocked] Sydney: [shrugs] Just in case. [Sidney drop the gun and walks away]
Gale: I feel bad Dewey, I feel really bad! I never say that cause I never feel bad about anything, but I feel bad now. Dewey: Is this just another brilliant Gale Weathers performance? Gale: There are no cameras here. I just wanna find this fucker! I really do.
Maureen Evans: [to the disguised killer next to her] See, if that was me, I'd be running!
Joel: I'm gonna get some donuts, some Prozac; see if I can find some crack, Special K, X... not Malcom, and I'll be back when y'all start talking about somethin a little more "Saved By The Bell"-ish!
Mickey: Empire Strikes Back. Better story, improved effects. Randy: Not a sequel, part of a trilogy, completely planned.
Debbie: [after shooting Mickey] Two birds, one stone. [Sidney continues to sob and gasp] Debbie: Oh! Mickey was a good boy, but my God! That whole "Blame-the-movies" motive? Did you buy that for one second? The poor boy was completely out of his mind. [Kicks Mickey's body] Sydney: And you're not? Debbie: No. I'm very sane. [Reaches down to pick Mickey's gun up] Debbie: My motive isn't as 90's as Mickey's. Mine is just good, old-fashioned revenge. You killed my son! And now I kill you, and I can't think of anything more rational! Sydney: You're never gonna get away with this. Debbie: Oh, of course I will! [Takes out a cloth to clean her fingerprints off of the gun] Debbie: Everything's traceable back to Mickey. Including the cop gun he used to kill everybody. But let's just suppose that you had gotten hold of the other cop's gun. And you chased Mickey, and there was a big shoot-out, and a big scuffle. And you shot Mickey! Killed Mickey dead! [Throws the gun way over to the stage] Debbie: But not before he got off one shot at you! Okay. So, have I covered everything? Are there any questions? Any comments? You know what, though? [Sidney tries to run, but Mrs. Loomis points the gun at her on the other side of the column] Debbie: Who gives a flyin' fuck, anyway? Let 'em try and track down the second possible killer! Debbie Salt doesn't exist!
Cotton: [to Gale] Jeeze Gale, you've got more lives than a cat.
Dewey: Look, Gale's no killer. Randy: Ok, all right then, but if she's not a killer, she's a target.
Dewey: Typically, serial killers are white male. Randy: That's why it's perfect! It's sort of against the rules but not really. Mrs. Voorhees was a terrific serial killer, and there's always room for Candyman's daughter. She's sweet, she's deadly, she's bad for your teeth.
Gale: It's happening again, isn't it? Dewey: You'd love that, wouldn't you? Better hurry Gale, might get scooped.
'Stab' Casey: [Phone rings; "Casey" picks it up] Hello? Phone Voice: [distorted voice] Hello. 'Stab' Casey: [unaffected] Who is this? Phone Voice: Guess. 'Stab' Casey: No, really. Who is this? Phone Voice: Were you expecting somebody? 'Stab' Casey: [looks over at popping corn] No... Maureen Evans: [frustrated loud voice] Bitch, hang up that phone and *69 his ass! Damn! Phil Stevens: [turns to her; puts finger to lips] Shhhhh! 'Stab' Casey: Who is this? Phone Voice: [distorted] Who would you like it to be? 'Stab' Casey: I don't like games. Who is this? [Walks away from stove and above from where she was, a figure appears with music, scaring the moviegoers] Phone Voice: Look out back. Do you see your boyfriend anywhere? 'Stab' Casey: I don't even have a boyfriend right now. [looks visibly more frightened] Phone Voice: [menacing] Would you like one? Maureen Evans: [frustrated whisper] Damn it all. [normal voice] Maureen Evans: Can I - give me some money. I need to get some popcorn. Phil Stevens: You got money. Maureen Evans: I got my money. I asked fo' your money. Phone Voice: What do y'say? [Phil, annoyed, gets out the money] Phil Stevens: [Soft mutter] Cheap ass. Maureen Evans: [grabs the money] Thank you. [Phil looks back at her without affection and turns back to the film] Phone Voice: Come on. Cat got your tongue? 'Stab' Casey: You know, I don't even know you, and I dislike you already. Maureen Evans: [Maureen sighs as she closes the doors and goes toward the popcorn stand; gets startled as movie audience screams and walks over to counter amidst comments about the movie] Hi, um, can I have a medium popcorn, no butter, and a small diet Pepsi? Popcorn Boy: [small smile and friendly] You got it.
Mickey: Just wait until the trial. It is gonna rock! Mrs.Loomis: Oh, Mickey, there's not going to be a trial. [shoots Mickey 2 times in the chest]
Sydney: You're as crazy as your son was! Debbie: [shocked] What did you just say? [Sidney trembles] Debbie: Was that a negative, disparaging remark about my son? About my Billy? Sydney: No, Billy was a good boy. Billy was perfect, you did a bang-up job Mrs. Loomis. Debbie: It's not wise to patronize me with a gun Sidney! Randy spoke poorly of Billy and I got a little knife happy.
Debbie: Two birds, one stone. Mickey was a good boy, but, MY GOD, that old "Blame The Movies" motive. Did you buy that for one second? Poor boy was completely out of his mind. Sydney: And you're not? Debbie: No. I'm very sane. My motive isn't as "90s" as Mickey's. Mine is just good old fashioned revenge. You could killed my son! And, now, I kill you and I can't think of anything more rational. Sydney: You're never gonna get away with this. Debbie: Oh, of course, I will. Everything's traceable back to Mickey, including the cop gun he used to kill everybody. But let's just say that you have gotten hold of the other cop's gun. And you chased Mickey and there was a big shoot out and a big scuffle, and you shot Mickey, killed Mickey dead. But not before he got off one shot at you. Okay. So, have I covered everything? Are there any questions? Any comments? You know what, though? Who gives a flying FUCK, ANYWAY? Let 'em try and track down the second possible killer. Debbie Salt doesn't exist. Sydney: You're as crazy as your son was. Debbie: What did you just say? Was that a negative, disparaging remark about my son? About my Billy? Sydney: No. Billy was a good boy. Billy was perfect. You did a bang up job, Mrs. Loomis. Debbie: Not wise to patronize a mother with a gun, Sidney. Randy spoke poorly of Billy and I got little knife happy. Ha! I was a good mother. You know what makes me sick? I am sick to death of people saying that it's all the parents' fault that all starts with the family. Wanna blame someone? Why don't you blame YOUR MOTHER? She was the one who stole my husband and broke up my family. And then you took my son! You don't know what it is to be a mother, to raise a child and teach him and guide him-... Sydney:
Randy: Mickey, the freaky Tarantino film student. But if he's a suspect, so am I. Lets move on. Dewey: Wait a minute. Maybe you are a suspect. Randy: Well if I'm a suspect, you're a suspect. Dewey: Good point. Ok, let's move on to...
Cici: Drink with your brains, that's our motto.
[after the Sorority Girls left] Mickey: The Delta Lambdas are the biggest bunch of fuckin'... Hallie: Hey! I'm pledging Delta Lambda, thank you!
Mickey: You should really deal with your trust issues Sid: I mean, poor Derek. He's completely innocent and such a nice boy too. He's bright and funny and handsome. Decent singing voice. And he was going to be a doctor. This is just the kinda boy you'd like to take home to mom. If you had a mom. Sydney: Fuck you! Mickey: Oh, so vulgar! Did Billy let you talk to him this way? Sydney: Billy was a sick fuck just like you! Mickey: No. Billy was a sick fuck who tried to get away with it. Mickey is a sick fuck who wants to get caught, yea! Ya see I got my whole defense planned out. I'm gonna blame the movies. Pretty cool huh? It hasn't been done before. You see, this is just the beginning, a prelude to the trial. Cuz see that's where the real fun is 'cause these days it's all about the trial. Can you see it? The effects of cinema violence on society. I'll get Dershowitz or Cochran to represent me. Bob Dole on the witness stand in my defense. Hell the Christian Coalition'll pay my legal fees. It's air tight Sid. I'm an innocent victim. Sydney: You're a psychotic. Mickey: Yeah, well. Shh... [whispers] Mickey: that'll be our little secret. Cause people love a good trial. It's like theater. They're dyin' for it. And I've worked hard to give the audience what they want. See that's what Billy was good at. He knew... It's all about... execution.
Sydney: I want to know who it is. Hallie: No, no, Sid! Sydney: I'm going back! Hallie: Stupid people go back! Smart people run! We're smart people, so we should just get the fuck outta here!
Maureen Evans: Why is she naked? What has that got to do with the plot; her being butt ass naked? Phil Stevens: I don't know about the plot but I'm gettin a stiffy.
Sydney: 300 people watched. Nobody did anything. They thought it was a publicity for Christ sakes. Randy: [Speaking in a British accent humorously] And it would have been a good one too. Sydney: It's starting again, Randy. Randy: It's not. A lot of shit happens at the movies. People get robbed, shot, maimed, murdered. Movie theaters are very dangerous places to be these days. Sydney: [persistent] Yeah, and you are in extreme denial. Randy: You should be too. This has nothing to do with us. Sydney: [frantic] Randy! A guy in a ghost mask hacked up two people in a movie theater filming our life story. Randy: Coincidence? Sydney: You know what happened at Woodsboro, Randy. You can't ignore it. Randy: [speaking normally now] I know, Sid, and I don't want to go back there again. Can't we just go back to our pseudo-quasi happy existence? [Derek, Sydney's boyfriend catches up with them] Randy: HELLO DEREK, how you doing? Derek: [kisses Sydney] Hi Sid, I heard you weren't in class. Sydney: Yeah I know. I skipped it because I couldn't take the "Death to her" looks. Derek: Is there anything I could do? Sydney: Yeah, do you have any tricks for getting back to a pseudo-quasi happy existence? Derek: [thinking decisively] You know? I might just have one for that. Randy: Oh yeah, what is that? [Derek turns to Sydney, brings her in for a couple romantic kisses while Randy looks away, jealous & embarrassed] Sydney: [smiles] That was pretty good. [Derek & Sydney walk away] Randy: Get a room.
Theater Girl #1: [walking to Maureen's backside to stand behind her in popcorn line] That's it. I am not going back in there. Theater Girl #2: Come on, you chickenshit. It's just a movie. Theater Girl #1: No, it's not just a movie. It's a true story. All these kids got killed a couple years ago in California. [Maureen gets her order] Popcorn Boy: [background] Here's the popcorn. Maureen Evans: [barely audible] Thanks. Girl in theater lobby: [Maureen begins walking back with her food; 2 girls walk by] I was so scared, I almost had a heart attack! Crazy costumed guy in lobby: Hah! Stab you, man! [begins "stabbing" pedestrians and then another costumed movegoer] Crazy costumed guy in lobby: Get yo'self. [laughter behind Maureen and then just her footsteps as she approaches the door. She slowly begins to open the door. Phil jumps from a door in his mask and yells to scare her] Phil Stevens: WHOA! Maureen Evans: [screams, and audience screams inside; Phil laughs and removes his mask] You ass! [hits him hard on the arm] Phil Stevens: I'm sorry. I had to, Baby. Maureen Evans: What are you playing? Phil Stevens: [takes her closer] Would you relax? God! What's wrong wit' you? Maureen Evans: [more calm closer to him] I don't like being scared. I don't like that. Phil Stevens: [looks down at her] Baby, its just a movie. [sighs softly] Phil Stevens: Besides, scary movies are great foreplay. [kisses the side of her face and grins] Maureen Evans: Excuse me? Phil Stevens: [resigning] Let's go see Sandra Bullock. Maureen Evans: [resigning] Oh, no. Sandra started already. We can stay. [puts her arm around his back] Maureen Evans: Just stop playin' so much. [gives smooch to lips and cheek and smiles at him] Phil Stevens: All right. I gotta go to the bathroom. [turns to walk and nicks her cheek with his hand] Phil Stevens: See ya inside. [Maureen gives him a crafty smile and sighs again as she turns to go in to a cheering audience that then screams. Phil waits for urinals, taken up by costumed theatergoers. He gives up and goes to a stall, locked and taken up by the killer] Phil Stevens: Sorry. [goes to an ajar stall hesitantly] Phil Stevens: Hello? [opens it fully and goes in, unzipping his fly] Mrs.Loomis: [presumably Mrs. Loomis in a high-pitched, sotto voice in stall] I don't - I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it; I swear. I swear, I-I'll be good. Please don't, Mommy. No, I'll - I'll be good. [Phil meanwhile looks at stall separator, puzzled then bursts out in soft laughter] Mrs.Loomis: Mommy, I'll tell you. Really. I'll tell you, Mommy; I'll tell you, Mommy. Really. I'll tell you why I did it, Mommy. Listen, Mommy. Listen, Mommy. [Phil is putting ear right to stall to listen, amused and interested. Killer can tell his ear is there and the knife is put straight into Phil's ear. He groans; falls to floor, eventually presumably dead] Maureen Evans: [in theater, Maureen is frustrated with "Casey"] N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no! No! No! No! No! No! No! Don't do that! [starts making hand motions to "Casey"] Maureen Evans: Move! Move! Go! Run! Go! [meanwhile, killer sits next to her] Maureen Evans: Baby, give it up. You came back just in time; it looks like she's about to get it. Want some popcorn? [killer shakes head] Maureen Evans: Uh-uh. See, if that was me, I would be outta there. [screams and hides face near killer's shoulder] Maureen Evans: Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! [screams and looks back and forth. She is then gutted by the killer, and makes it to the movie screen, walking around in pain, whimpering and seething, making unintelligible noises and dies, synchronized with "Casey's" death]
Gale: So I am heading down to Admissions to do some legwork, you game? Dewey: I'm not here to write a book Miss Weathers, I'm here to help Syd. Gale: I wanna help her too, and help myself, of course. Come on Dewey, smile for me once, please! Dewey: I'll smile when I catch the killer.
Phone Voice: Have you ever felt a knife cut through human flesh and scrape the bone beneath?
Sorority Sister Murphy: [to Sidney, falsely] Hi! Sorority Sister Murphy: No, I really mean that, hi!
Derek: I am gonna fucking kill you! FUCKING KILL YOU! You are dead! DEAD!
Officer Richards: [Pointing his gun at the killer in front of the car] Out of the car, you fucker.
Randy: I cannot believe it. They get Tori Spelling to play Sid, and they cast Joe Blow Nobody to play me. At least you get David Schwimmer. I get the guy who drove the stagecoach for one episode of Dr. Quinn!
Gale: Look, local woman! I know you hold me up as your career template and that it gives you some sort of charge to challenge me, but give it a rest.
Sorority Sister Murphy: Hey Sid,how are you holding up? Sydney: I'm coping. Sorority Sister Murphy: This is weird isn't it, to think this fuss is all because of you. I mean, not directly, but in some six degrees of Kevin Bacon-way.
Derek: Oh thank god Sidney, I thought I was gonna be up there until opening night. Sydney: Oh shit, the killer is here. He killed Hallie, he's here. Shit, who tied these? Derek: What are you talking about? Sydney: The killer! He's here! Derek: Where? Phone Voice: Right here. [pause; heavy, deep breaths] Phone Voice: You're fast, Sid. [Sidney resumes trying to untie Derek] Phone Voice: I wouldn't do that if I were you. You really want to trust your boyfriend? Mickey: Don't you know, history repeats itself? Hmm, Sid? [removes mask to reveal Mickey; uses voice-changer] Phone Voice, Mickey: Surprise, Sidney. Derek: What the fuck? Mickey: Since Derek here disappeared on my ass, I've been on my own, all fucking night. Thanks a lot, partner. Derek: You motherfucker! Sid, you know me better than that. Untie me. Sydney: Oh my god, Derek! Derek: No, no, no... Sid. Mickey: It's okay, Derek. We got her. Derek: No, no, Sid, listen to me. You know me better than that. He's lying. Mickey: What do you think, Derek? Sidney's experiencing a little deja vu? Mickey: Sid, he's lying! The man is lying! Sid, untie me! Untie me! Mickey: Hmm. Boyfriend, killer. Boyfriend, killer. Boyfriend, killer. Derek: No, I am gonna fucking kill you! You are dead! Dead!... [Mickey shoots Derek in the chest, near heart]
Randy: Sydney, look, it's Gale Weathers. Sydney: What? Randy: Star of the Gale Weathers press conference. Author of the press conference starring Gale Weathers. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Gale Weathers!
Joel: Brothers don't last long in situations like this.
Mickey: It's a perfect example of life imitating art imitating life.
[to the killer] Cici: Who are you calling for? Phone Voice: What if I said you? Cici: What if I said goodbye? Phone Voice: Why would you want to do that? Cici: Why do you always answer a question with a question? Phone Voice: I'm inquisitive. Cici: Yeah, and I'm impatient. Look, do you wanna leave a message for somebody? Phone Voice: Do you want to die tonight, Cici?
Mickey: [holding a knife, slightly out of breath] Sid... [chuckles] Mickey: You got a Linda Hamilton thing going. No, no. It's nice. I like it. [Derek is careened up on a pulley] Mickey: Now who is doing that? Could that be... the mystery guest waiting in the wings? Told you I had a partner, Sid. Surprise cameo just for you. Sydney: [Gale conveniently comes in the room] Gale. [Then Mrs. Loomis comes in, the audience finding out she is holding a gun to Gale]
Sydney: [referring to who the killer is] Mrs. Loomis? Gale: [shocked] What? Mickey: BILLY'S MOTHER! [Gale turns around and sees Mickey] Mickey: Nice twist huh? Didn't see it coming, did you? [laughs] Gale: [still shocked] Jesus. It can't be, I've seen pictures of you. Sydney: Yeah this is 60 pounds and a lot of work later. Debbie: [takes off her trench coat] It's called a makeover. You should try it. Look a little tired yourself there, Gale!
Gale: So what do you want to do, bonehead? Just sit around and wait to see who drops next? Dewey: I don't know. [Gale's phone rings] Dewey: Phonehead!
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