Ten years have passed, and Sidney Prescott, who has put herself back together thanks in part to her writing, is visited by the Ghostface Killer.

Sidney Prescott: You forgot the first rule of remakes, Jill. Don't fuck with the original!
[after being stabbed in the shoulder, Ghostface is about to strike the final blow]
Robbie: Wait, no, you can't! You can't! There's rules! I'm gay! I'm gay!
[Ghostface pauses and tilts his head]
Robbie: I mean, if it helps.
[Ghostface continues stabbing him]
The Voice: I hear you like horror movies, Kirby. But do you like them as much as him? Forget watching Stab, instead you get to live it.
Kirby Reed: No. No, no, no, no. He's the expert. It's not me.
The Voice: Warm up question: Jason's weapon?
Kirby Reed: Uh,it's a machete.
The Voice: There. You see? You do know the genre. Michael Myers?
Kirby Reed: Uh, butcher knife.
The Voice: Leatherface?
Kirby Reed: [crying] Chainsaw! Please!
The Voice: Just ask Sidney if you need some help. Freddy Krueger?
Kirby Reed: Razor-hands.
The Voice: Name the movie that started the slasher craze: Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Last House on the Left or Psycho?
Kirby Reed: Psycho.
The Voice: None of the above! Peeping Tom, 1960, directed by Michael Powell. First movie to ever put the audience in the killer's POV.
Kirby Reed: Wait. No, no, no. Please, just ask me one more question. Just one more.
The Voice: Alright, Kirby, then it's time for your last chance. Name the remake of the groundbreaking horror movie in which the vill...
Kirby Reed: Halloween, uh, Texas Chainsaw, Dawn of the Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, Amityville Horror, uh, Last House on the Left, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare On Elm Street, My Bloody Valentine, When A Stranger Calls, Prom Night, Black Christmas, House of Wax, The Fog, Piranha. It's one of those, right? Right?
Kirby Reed: I got it right. I was fucking right.
[goes outside; unties Charlie]
Kirby Reed: Don't worry, Charlie. I fucking won. I won. He tried to beat me but I fucking won.
[holding knife]
Charlie Walker: Kirby? This is is making a move!
[stabs her]
Charlie Walker: Four years of class together and you notice me now? You stupid bitch! It's too late! Shhh, I know. It doesn't happen as fast as it does in the movies, I know.
[finishes stabbing her and drops her; runs away]
Sidney Prescott: Even your friends.
Jill Roberts: My friends? What world are you living in? I don't need friends. I need fans. Don't you get it? This has never been about killing you? It's about becoming you. I mean, for fuck's sake, my own mother had to die, no great loss there, so I could stay true to the original. That's sick, right? Well, sick is the new sane. You had your 15 minutes, now I want mine! I mean, what am I supposed to do? Go to college? Grad school? Work? Look around. We all live in public now, we're all on the Internet. How do you think people become famous any more? You don't have to achieve anything. You just gotta have fucked up-shit happen to you. So you have to die, Sid. Those are the rules. New movie, new franchise. There's only room for one lead, and let's face it, your ingenue days, they're over.
Sherrie: Hello?
The Voice: Who is this?
Sherrie: The more impatient version of the person you just spoke to.
The Voice: I'm sorry. You don't have to be a bitch about it.
Sherrie: Hmm, of course I don't. Eat me.
The Voice: [yelling] You hang up on me and I'll cut through your neck until I feel bone!
Trudie: [to Sherrie] Who is it?
Sherrie: [handing the phone over] It's for you.
Trudie: Hello?
The Voice: Who is this?
Trudie: It's Trudie. Who's this?
The Voice: This is the last person you're ever gonna see alive.
Deputy Perkins: Fuck Bruce Willis.
The Voice: This isn't a comedy, it's a horror film. People live, people die and you'd better start running.
Jill Roberts: When you're done with a phone call, you let someone go. Or when you, take someone to the airport, you let them go. When you tell someone you love her, she gives you everything, and then you go out with some one else. That is not letting her go, that's dumping her. Okay, that's, that's betrayal.
Charlie Walker: Did you feel that? That charge that went between us just then?
Kirby Reed: Oh that was me. I have powers!
Charlie Walker: So sexy.
The Voice: I never said I was in your closet.
Sheriff Dewey Riley: One generation's tragedy is the next one's joke.
[after Olivia's death, Sidney answers Olivia's phone]
Sidney Prescott: What?
The Voice: Welcome home, Sidney. Preview of coming events.
Sidney Prescott: Why don't you come for me, you got the balls for that?
The Voice: Oh, poor Sidney. You think this is all about you? You think you're still the star?
Sidney Prescott: This isn't a fucking movie.
The Voice: It will be.
Sidney Prescott: These are innocent people.
The Voice: Spare me the lecture! You've done very well by all this bloodshed haven't you? Well, how about the town you left behind. I've got plans for you. I'm gonna slit your eyelids in half so you don't blink when I stab you in the face. You'll die when I want you to, Sidney, not a moment before. Until then, you're going to suffer!
[ghostface hangs up]
Deputy Perkins: [about to get out of a car] I'll be right back.
Deputy Perkins: I know this one. You're not supposed to say that, are you?
The Voice: [to Rebecca, after the alarm in her car goes off] You know Rebecca, it doesn't sound to me like you're in the hospital. Sounds to me like you're in a parking garage, a dark, deserted parking garage. But if you want to be in the hospital, I'd he happy to put you there, in the morgue!
Kirby Reed: Who invited you, Trevor?
Trevor Sheldon: All right, clearly not you! Wow! I'm gonna be upstairs, that is whoo!
Kirby Reed: Get out of my house!
The Voice: I'm gonna slit your eyelids in half so that you can't blink when I stab you in the face.
Kirby Reed: Come on Mr. Ghostface, whisper to me! Aren't you supposed to ask me a question?
The Voice: Alright, how's the movie?
Kirby Reed: What movie?
The Voice: Shaun of the Dead.
Kirby Reed: How did you know that?
The Voice: Because I'm standing in the closet.
Gale Weathers-Riley: OK, but can I just have one final word?
Jill Roberts: What? "Please"?
Gale Weathers-Riley: No. Clear
Jill Roberts: Clear?
Sidney Prescott: [Sidney is holding a defibrillator to Jill's head] Clear.
[Zaps Jill]
Sidney Prescott: How could you do this?
Jill Roberts: Do you know what it was like growing up in this family? Related to you? I mean, all I ever heard was Sidney this and Sidney that and Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. You where always so fucking special! Well, now I'm the special one.
Sidney Prescott: You'll slip. They always do.
Jenny Randall: Good one, Marnie. Lights out, phone on the floor. You know, you really should direct horror films. Wherever you are. Let me guess, you want me to walk by an open door frame so you can pop out, huh?
[phone rings]
Jenny Randall: OK, timing. Timing is perfect. But you don't have an app on your phone, so you can't talk like ghostface, can you?
The Voice: Yes, I can.
Jenny Randall: Who is this?
The Voice: Not an app.
Jenny Randall: Is this Trevor?
The Voice: Do I sound like a Trevor to you? Think of me as your director. You're in my movie, you got a fun part so don't blow it.
Jenny Randall: What movie?
The Voice: Same one Marnie's in, only her scene got cut way back. But you? You're the dumb blonde with the big tits, we'll have some fun with you before you die.
Jenny Randall: I have a 4.0 GPA and 135 IQ, asshole. What did you do with Marnie?
The Voice: She's on the cutting room floor.
Jenny Randall: That's not funny.
The Voice: This isn't a comedy, it's a horror film. People live and people die, and you'd better start running!
[Marnie's lifeless body comes through the window]
Gale Weathers-Riley: [to Deputy Judy Hicks] Oh, and by the way, your lemon squares taste like ass.
Chloe: [after stabbing Rachel] Did that surprise you?
Rachel: Why?
Chloe: Because you talk too much!
[stabs Rachel again]
Chloe: Now shut the fuck up and watch the movie.
Deputy Judy Hicks: Did you get a call from the killer?
Kirby Reed: No. Is... is that a bad thing? Does that mean I'm not gonna live as long as these two?
Sheriff Dewey Riley: No. Maybe. Of course not! Just uh... just be careful.
Kirby Reed: Oh my god, did you hear that? I'm gonna be next!
Sidney Prescott: Hello?
The Voice: Hello Sidney!
Gale Weathers-Riley: Okay, listen to me Judy. I don't mind that you're working with my husband, or that you even bake him those little treats. That you do. But if you're going to start acting like him you better put a moustache on because you sound ridiculous.
Robbie: You're a movie knack Kirby, what's your favourite scary movie?
Kirby Reed: Bambi. Dork. What?
Charlie Walker: That's funny Kirby!
Robbie: You guys are unbelievable, you're playing fucking trivia games? The cops are gonna come for us, they're gonna shut down my website. We're so dead!
[from trailer]
Gale Weathers-Riley: Dewey, what's going on?
Sheriff Dewey Riley: That is not public information.
Gale Weathers-Riley: It's all over the Internet!
Sheriff Dewey Riley: [surprised] It is?
Deputy Judy Hicks: Wear the vest, save your chest.
[She proceeds to faint and fall to the floor with a loud thump]
The Voice: [Everyone keeps calling Ghostface Trevor, since call is from Trevor's phone] This is not fucking Trevor!
Sidney Prescott: [Face to face with dead Jill Roberts, after shooting her in chest] I don't know about you, but I feel a whole lot better.
Jill Roberts: What are you doing here? There are cops right in front!
Trevor Sheldon: No match for ninja, baby!
[on the phone with Sidney]
The Voice: Welcome home, Sidney. You're a survivor, aren't you, Sidney? What good is it to be a survivor when everyone close to you is dead? You can't save them. All you can do... is watch.
[first lines]
Sherrie: [answering phone] Hello?
Kirby Reed: Hey! Before you get in, you have to promise not to kill me!
[last lines]
Newscaster: Jill Roberts of Woodsboro. A girl who's lifted all our spirits tonight. An American hero, right out of the movies.
Gale Weathers-Riley: So where is this circle jerk going to take place?
Charlie Walker: Oh my god, Let me in!
Kirby Reed: Get away from the door Charlie.
Charlie Walker: Kirby, it's me! Please let me in!
Kirby Reed: Get away from the door Charlie!
Charlie Walker: It's me!
Kirby Reed: I'm sorry, I can't.
Gale Weathers-Riley: Promise me something?
Sheriff Dewey Riley: Anything.
Gale Weathers-Riley: Catch that motherfucker.
[under the killer's knife]
Gale Weathers-Riley: Go ahead if you have the guts!
Rebecca Walters: [talking about Sidney to herself] The problem with Sidney is that she never gets laid. Bring a little shitface once in a while.
Sidney Prescott: Roberts residence.
The Voice: You're a survivor aren't you, Sidney? Your one and only skill, you survive. I have one question for you: What good is it to be a survivor in this little drama if everyone close to you is dead.
Sidney Prescott: Who are you?
The Voice: Turn on the TV to channel six.
Sidney Prescott: Who the fuck are you?
The Voice: Turn it on. Watch the teaser.
Reporter #5: ...turned deadly tonight with the latest victim of these attacks being the wife of the Woodsboro Sheriff Gale Riley, aka Gale Weathers, who is in serious condition tonight after being stabbed. Her assailant disappeared in a sea of identity...
[Sidney turns off the TV; Ghostface laughs briefly]
The Voice: Glad you came home Sidney? Has it been worth it yet?
Sidney Prescott: Why are you doing this?
The Voice: Ah, friends count, but it's family ties that cut deep.
[slight pause]
The Voice: Am I right?
Sidney Prescott: What do you mean?
The Voice: The ones you care about most. And what's closer than family, the bond of blood?
Sidney Prescott: Don't.
The Voice: You can't save them, all you can do is watch.
[laughs; Sidney throws phone away]
Trevor Sheldon: Why is Sidney Prescott staying with you? I mean, that's like being on Top Chef with Jeffrey Dahmer.
Deputy Judy Hicks: [to Dewey] You're not cheating on your wife if you're eating my lemon squares, Sheriff.
[from trailer]
Olivia Morris: Well, it's time for someone new to die.
The Voice: I'm not an app.
Kirby Reed: [to Sidney] It was the killer's voice, from Stab. Or, I mean, you know, from your life.
Sidney Prescott: This... you film your entire high school experience and what, post it on the 'net?
Robbie: Everybody will be doing it some day.
Charlie Walker: It's kind of the one component the killer is missing.
Gale Weathers-Riley: Wait, what do you mean?
Charlie Walker: Well, if you wanna be the new, new version, the killer should be filming the murders.
Robbie: Yeah, it's like the natural next step in the psycho-slasher innovation. I mean you film them all real-time and before you get caught, you upload them into cyberspace.
Charlie Walker: Making your art as immortal as you.
Charlie Walker: [speaking same time as Robbie] Not to implicate him.
Robbie: [speaking same time as Charlie] Not to implicate me.
Sidney Prescott: So who do you think is doing the murders.
Charlie Walker: Well, it's a Stab fanatic clearly. Working on less of a Shrequel and more of a Screamake.
Robbie: Copyright terms, by the way.
Charlie Walker: Cause all there are now are remakes. Only horror studios green-light. I mean, there are still rules, but the rules have changed. The unexpected is the new cliche.
Robbie: Yeah, you gotta have an opening sequence, that blows the doors off, gallop some music video direction and the kill's gotta be way more extreme.
Charlie Walker: Modern audiences get sappy to the rules of the original. So, the reverse has become the new standard. In fact, the only sure-fire way to survive a modern horror movie, you pretty much gotta be gay.
Gale Weathers-Riley: So, why are you so sure that the killer is working by the rules of a horror remake?
Robbie: Well, the original Stab structure is pretty apparent.
Charlie Walker: Yeah, two kids killed in a house when their parents are away?
Robbie: And, then the school's 'hot chick' savage beyond recognition.
Charlie Walker: We all know where it goes from there...?
Sidney Prescott: A party.
Charlie Walker: Exactly. A party. Guaranteed third-act-main-cast bloodbath.
Robbie: Fingers crossed on some nudity for a change.
Jill Roberts: [while Sidney is sleeping, Jill enters her room.; Sidney wakes up] You just won't die will you? Who are you? Michael fucking Myers?
Jill Roberts: [Sidney sees this and attempts to use the call button, but Jill grabs it] Yeah, I don't think so.
Jill Roberts: [Jill begins strangling her] Fucking die already!
Jill Roberts: Is this how it's gonna be, Sid? The ending of the movie was suppose to be at the house. I mean, this is just silly.
Sidney Prescott: Consider this an alternative ending. You're never gonna get out of this, Jill.
Jill Roberts: Of course I will.
Rachel: A fucking 'Facebook' killer... you're kidding me right?
Chloe: I guess now it would be Twitter, that'd make more sense.
Kirby Reed: You do know they're cops all over this house?
The Voice: I think I have just enough time to slice someone open!
Chloe: There's something really scary about a guy with a knife who just... snaps.

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