Dave is deaf, and Wally is blind. They witness a murder, but it was Dave who was looking at her, and Wally who was listening.

Capt. Braddock: Okay no more bullshit
Capt. Braddock: [to Dave, talking fast] was there or wasn't there a woman?
Dave: Are you serious?
Capt. Braddock: Yes I'm goddamn serious.
Dave: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a woman?
Capt. Braddock: What the hell is he taking about?
Wally: He reads lips. You're talking too fast.
Capt. Braddock: [to Dave, talking slowly] Was there... a wom-an... pres-ent?
Dave: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly] Yes. There was... a wom-an... pres-ent.
Capt. Braddock: Why is he talking like that?
Wally: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly] Because he's deaf... not stup-id.
Dave: Don't we get a last request?
Eve: What would you like?
Dave: Would you scratch my nose for me?
[Eve scratches his nose with a coin and then kisses him]
Dave: You're a very sick woman.
Eve: Thank you. Mr Karew, what would you you like?
Wally: I suppose a fuck is out of the question.
Eve: I'm afraid so.
Dave: Today I threatened to shoot a naked woman with my erection.
Wally: Where are we?
Dave: Probably on our way to New Jersey by now.
Wally: No kidding! I got family in there! Do you wanna come with me?
Dave: Of course. You've earned my trust, Wally. You've been a very good friend to me these past couple days. You're always there for me. You never get me into trouble. Sometimes it seems a bit boring but that's a small price to pay for such a wonderful friendship.
Wally: That's beautiful, Dave. Do you mean everything you just said?
Dave: I'll tell you how I really feel in about a minute or two. Right now I'm a little overwhelmed by the STINK of the seven tons of garbage that you drove us into!
Wally: Is THAT what it is? I thought you let one go! That's why I didn't say anything!
Dave: That's very kind of you! Thank you!
[Dave doesn't hold up any fingers]
Dave: How many fingers am I holding up in front of your eyes right now?
Wally: Three!
Dave: That's good. That's pretty good, considering that he's blind.
Dave: [impersonating a European doctor] Tell me the first thing that pops into your brain.
Wally: Pussy!
Dave: It's amazing! This man is cured!
Adele: Why do you feel you have to pass for someone with 20/20 vision when you're blind as a bat?
Wally: I don't feel. I have to pass.
Adele: Yes, you do. It's a sickness in your brain, just like if you were trying to pass for white.
Wally: You mean I'm not white?
Dave: Wally! He could put a hole through your *head*, Wally!
Wally: *Fuck* him and his holes!
Dave: You swear an awful lot.
Wally: You're fucking-A right!
Wally: These streets are bumpy.
Dave: You're driving on the sidewalk!
Wally: So, you're the fat fuck that runs this show!
Sutherland: Beautifully put, Mr. Karew. You're obviously a poet, a man after my own heart.
Dave: Who are you talking to?
Wally: I'm talking to you, you prick.
Dave: Why don't you look me in the eye and say that?
Wally: I would if I could but I can't, I'm blind.
Dave: You're blind?
Wally: Yes I'm blind, what are you fucking deaf?
Dave: Yes, I'm fucking deaf!
Wally: You're really deaf?
Dave: I'm really deaf.
Wally: Then how do you know what I'm saying?
Dave: Because I'm reading your lips now you want the job or not?
Medical Conference Attendee: [Addressing Wally, who is impersonating a Swedish gynecologist] Which exercise would you find most beneficial to geriatric sexuality?
Wally: [faking a Swedish accent] Oh, boy. Well, some of my patients prefer walking, some prefer bicycling. But for best results, to guarantee satisfaction, most of them like fucking. You know, poonta-poonta-poonta. I like it myself, you know. One in the morning, and late at night.
Wally: I hear prison isn't so bad if you like it up the butt.
Dave: We're in a warehouse, and you just hit a cow. I think we better back up.
Dave: Did she say ship, or shit?
Wally: [yelling in Dave's ear] Shazaam! Can you hear me?
Dave: Wally! I heard you! I heard your voice!
Wally: Hooray! You can hear me!
Dave: What?
Wally: You can hear me!
Dave: [shouts] No, schmuck, I'm deaf! I'm deaf! Now do you get it?
Dave: And then one day, my wife turned into this remarkable creature that could sit on the end of a broom stick and take off. She could actually achieve flight.
Wally: I think I was married to that woman once.
Dave: Small world.
Adele: I think David got a little messed up.
Dave: What did she say?
Wally: She said she thinks you're an asshole!
Mitzie: [Dave and Wally are booking in at a hotel under false identities] Dr. Kesselring, we thought you might not make it. It says you had some trouble with your visa?
Dave: [faking a German accent] Yes, and zen suddenly dey accepted American Express. Go figure.
Wally: We don't go home without it.
Dave: I'm not handicapped, I have you.
Dave: [Wally is driving a stolen police car because Dave's hands are cuffed behind him] Don't look at me, look at the road!
Wally: [Shrugs and turns his head back toward the road] All right, if it'll make you feel better.
Reporter: Do you really think you can stop Khomeini?
Dave: Not if it's funny.
Dave: Fucking-A. Something bothers you, fuck it. Your wife leaves you, fuck her. Your boss fires you, fuck him. Fucking-A. Fuckin'em. Right?
Wally: You're fucking right!
Dave: It's a gift to be able to do that.
Dave: [to Raoul] Stop right their or I'll throw this knife through your head! I mean it! I throw your brains out!
Cop with Bullhorn: [to Raoul] Freeze!
Dave: [to Raoul] Thats more like it! Now put your hand up!
Cop with Bullhorn: [to Raoul] Put your hands in the air!
Dave: [to Raoul] Oh, so you do speak English!
Capt. Braddock: Thirty-two years on the force, a wife and three kids and a blind guy and a deaf guy are making me look like a real asshole.
Gatlin: You got that right.
Capt. Braddock: What?
Gatlin: [talking into radio] Charlie over.
Cabbie: Let me see a badge!
Kirgo: [holds up gun] This is my badge!
Capt. Braddock: What's the story here, Gatlin? I got the commissioner crawling up my ass!
Eve: But you see, you're the ones they're looking for. Not me. If I get on that helicopter with the coin, I get out of here squeaky clean.
Dave: You're too tall for me anyway.
Dave: Well excusez-moi, monsieur hot shit!
Dr. Cornfeld: WHO are you sir?
Dave: [misreading Cornfeld's lips] Fine, thank you!

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