A high school senior drives cross-country with his best friends to hook up with a babe he met online.

Randy: What's Up?
Andy: What's Up, what's up?
Randy: You wanna party?
Randy: You wear thong underpants?
Andy: You want us to take our shirts off?
Randy: Where do you live?
Andy: Is your mom hot too?
Randy: Where do you live?
Andy: What's your address?
Randy: You like pizza?
Rex: I wouldn't let you drive The Judge if it was parked on my Schnutz!
Andy: Hey babe, you wanna party?
Girl Entering Party: I'm at a party.
Randy: You wanna make out with us?
Fundraising Girl: Hi. I'm collecting for the underprivileged children of Ecuador. Would you like to help?
Andy: Not really.
Randy: We don't have any money.
Andy: No jobs.
Randy: You wanna party?
Fundraising Girl: Um, I'm kind of working right now.
Andy: When're you done?
Randy: Yeah, what're you doing after?
Fundraising Girl: I have a church thing tonight.
Andy: Kickass! We'll come.
Randy: Yeah, where is it?
Andy: Is there gonna be more hot snatch like you there?
Randy: Do you wear thong underpants?
Andy: Do you want us to take our shirts off?
Randy: What color bra are you wearing?
Andy: Is your mom hot too?
Randy: Are you into me? Where do you live?
Andy: What color car do you have?
Randy: Where do you live?
Andy: What's your address?
Randy: Do you want us to come over?
Andy: Do you like pizza?
Randy: We've been to a motel.
Randy: So where's Felicia?
Andy: Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.
Ian: She's in...
Andy: Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?
Ian: We're just friends.
Randy: I'm uncircumcised.
Girl: Fuck off!
Randy: Wait, I thought you took her to prom?
Ian: Yeah, but it was a just-friends kinda thing.
Randy: You should bang her. We would.
Andy: Dude, we would bang her so hard.
Randy: Tell her we'll bang her for you if you're not into it!
Andy: Yeah. Hard.
Randy: With our dicks!
Andy: Yeah, our dicks are huge!
Randy: You can see them from space!
Rex: Ian, your 18 and you've never had A girlfriend. That's how people wind up getting gay, you know?
Ian: I don't think that's really how it happens.
Rex: Tell me how it happens expert, ya cock expert, ya cockspert. Hey, what do you like better the shaft or the balls?
Ian: That's gross.
Rex: You like em both don't you. It's like, sometimes tuesday you want the big, old, shiny-ass cock. Wednesdays and Thursdays you're onto the balls.
Ian: I don't know what you're talking about.
Rex: You can't choose can you? Thats a tough one. You love it. You're obsessed with it.
Ian: No, you are, your talking about it.
Rex: Why are you smiling at me, I'm serious. Don't fucking smile at me, I'll knock you out of the god damn earth. What does it taste like? What's it like when you take your mouth off of it and its like, you can see your reflection in that fucking cock. Smack you in the face a little bit, you don't like that?
Ian: I don't eat
[gets cut off]
Ian: .
Rex: Just like shiny, fucking stiff, throbbing, hot vascular mushroom head.
Ian: Ya ya.
Rex: Look, every guy has a fantasy about another guy, but you gotta bury that shit way down, this is America goddamnit.
Ian: There is, there is a girl. That I've been kinda...
Rex: Alright, I'm listening, where'd you meet her?
Ian: Um, on the, online.
Rex: [Slams car breaks on] What? For fuck's sakes Ian, don't you watch dateline? She's probably a guy. Some fat, old dude who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.
[Smiles]
Rex: But you'd love that wouldn't you, cuz your a homo!
Thug Prisoner: Hey! Hey ladies.
Lance: Hey how about you sit the fuck back down before me and you have a problem.
Thug Prisoner: How about you just, uh... chill out man. Be cool.
Lance: Alright we good?
Thug Prisoner: Yea, we're good.
Randy: We were just banging that chick in our car.
Female Cop: Yea, you mentioned that.
Andy: Yea, super hard.
Brandy: You ever had a peppermint fatty?
Lance: No. Let's have that. See how that shoe fits.
[Brandy pops peppermint in her mouth, begins sucking his penis]
Lance: That is curiously strong. I feel like my dick's been bar mitzvahed.
Lance: I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick. I mean, seriously, what are the odds?
Ezekiel: No, I wouldn't know anything about your 69' GTO Judge, 455 Big Block, Ram-Air, 4.11 Posi... Somethin' like that? Weird... That thing must have fallen straight from space! Well, good luck with your future ride, spaceman!
[Ezechiel comes out from the barn where the GTO is on repair]
Ezekiel: Uh-oh. See that creamy stuff? You blew your head gasket. That's not good.
Ian: Shit.
Ezekiel: Dont' cry. We can fix it.
Ian: Really?
Ezekiel: Yeah, really. We're good at it.
Ian: Yeah?
Ezekiel: Yeah, I didn't mean to undersell it, but it's an impressive thing. Yeah, we'll fix it.
Ian: Wow, that'd be cool.
Ezekiel: Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it? I might be the coolest guy you ever met.
Ian: Wow.
Ezekiel: Wow.
Ian: Thank you.
Ezekiel: Yeah, you're welcome. That's what you say when people do nice things for you. You know, there's a pretty big shindig shaping up next door if you guys want to hang there while we work on it. Take it easy while we do all this - for you.
[he turns to the barn]
Ian: Does he have an attitude?
Lance: No, he's fucking with you.
Rick: Ease it back, man. That donut ain't fuckin' around.
Ian: [handing Felicia a new t-shirt] Another one for the collection.
Felicia: Oh, cool. Thanks.
[she stares at nothing leaning on the GTO]
Ian: What?
[she points down on the car roof. Lance is on the back seat comforting a sobbing Brandy]
Lance: It's okay, Brandy. it's okay, baby, don't cry.
Ian: Lance, what are you doing?
Lance: Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself, because I'm just trying to show another human being a little compassion.
[pause]
Lance: And my dick.
Rex: [Lifts up the garage door, stopping below his neck without looking inside] Oh, fuck. I know you didn't take my car again. 'Cause you're a big giant pussy. That's right. I'm gonna lift up this door, and my big, fucking glorious bitchy Judge is gonna be sitting right there gleaming at me. Or I am gonna have the fucking neighborhood squirrels eat your asshole.
[Lifts up the door, sees the car is gone, proceeds to beat the garage door to death]
Rex: He took my fucking baby. Cocksucker!
Ian: You don't know my brother, okay? He's gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters!
Ezekiel: What? He's gonna what? With what?
Ian: Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early, and he's gonna walk into the bank, stand in line, change a 10, find my ass, and just... fuck it... with a roll of fucking quarters.
Jogger: Hey, Knievel, what say you get your bike out of the fricking road?
Rex: [to Ian and Lance] For God's sake. You two little rump rangers couldn't wait five minutes?
Andy: Why dontcha take a picture Ian?
Randy: Yeah, and post it on total fucking awesomeness dot com!
Andy: Backslash we rule!
Randy: Wheredja come up with that?
Ian: Where do you guys get the confidence to, like, hit on every girl you see?
Randy: Cause we're the shit.
Andy: Yeah, you oughta know that, bitch.
Andy: You gotta get over the monkey.
Dylan: [as Ian stands in the driveway in a white T-shirt and briefs] Nice underpants, Ian!
Ian: Holy buckets... she wants me to give her the D!
Felicia: Oh dude, don't even bother. Your game is not going to work on that girl.
Lance: What do you know about girls? I've never even seen you with a girl.
Rex: [muffled] Holy fucking fuck-balls!
Lance: It's like knives!
Lance: Just relax, man. I got a good feeling about this, you know. We're gonna party with the Amish!
Felicia: Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be one kick-ass quilting bee.
[They see Fall Out Boy downloading amps and instruments]
Peter Wentz: What's up, man?
Ian: Hey.
Felicia: [astonished] No effing way!
Randy: Oh, what's up, what's up?
Andy: What's up what's up?
Lance: Hey, Ian, Felicia. This is my boy Ezekiel.
Ezekiel: What up, English?
Little Boy at Trailer Park: Weiner!
Randy: [shouting] There are people in the vehicle.
Ian: [pointing to the redneck] You, Cornfed! You can punch my friend here, but just once.
Lance: Wait what? Come on man!
Ian: Dude, you slept with his girlfriend!
Lance: But...
Ian: AND he drove all this way.
Lance: ...All right.
Lance: Dude, what the fuck?
Ian: I don't want her along.
Lance: Oh, really? You don't want to bring Yoko on your sex trip? Yeah, no shit. She's always cock-blocking you.
Ian: No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...
Lance: Okay, twat blocking. Professor.
Ian: Is there a cock and ball on the front of me again?
Lance: Like a little tree trunk.
Ian: There's no service out here. I can't even tell her I'll be late.
Lance: Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting. You don't want to come off as desperate.
Ian: I'm driving nine hours. How am I not coming off desperate?
Lance: We had shit to do?
Lance: I refuse to be embarrassed by a car that looks like a Trapper Keeper.
Rex: What smells like jizz?
Ian: Hey, uh, can I ask you guys a question?
Randy: You just did!
Ian: Can I ask you guys another question?
Andy: You just did again!

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