Sgt. Bilko is in charge of the Motor Pool at an Army base. He's also a good-natured con man, providing gambling facilities for the soldiers on base. When an old enemy from his past shows up... See full summary¬†¬Ľ

Bilko: [sung while jogging with his troops] I can barely move my legs! / Do me a favor and kill me now! / Something, something rhymes with "legs"! / My life is over anyhow!
Bilko: If they come, deny everything! Just act dumb. Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that.
Bilko: All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
Bilko: [doing rifle drill with his men] All right, you've seen real soldiers before, just... do what they do!
Wally: Speaking of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?
Bilko: Why, what's wrong with Doberman?
Wally: He wet his bed!
Bilko: Oh, well, once in a while...
Wally: No, he did it from across the room.
Bilko: [collapsing onto his bed after Major Thorn has put them through the assault course] I'm paralyzed. I have no feeling from the hair down. Make the bad man stop.
[Morning. 'Reveille' plays over the loudspeakers]
Wally: Hey, Sarge! Get up! Hurry!
Bilko: [jumping out of bed with his sleeping mask still on] What's the matter? What's the matter? Everybody take cover! Gather all the men! Man the battle stations! And...
[pauses as he hears the reveille tune]
Bilko: What's that music?
[Bilko is playing golf in the middle of the base]
Wally: Sarge, they let you do this?
Bilko: I never asked. They'd probably say no, it is an army post.
Wally: You men are soldiers! Guardians of freedom! And frankly I don't think there's a man or woman here who's taken their service oath seriously!
Fender: You know what? I'm gonna kill him.
Bilko: Fender!
[as Fender tries to grab him, Wally uses martial arts skills to twist his arm and flip him over onto the floor]
Bilko: Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the Army.
Wally: They are.
Bilko: No kidding?
Bilko: You manipulated me! How could you?
Rita Robbins: Why not? I have a masters in manipulation from the University of Bilko.
[Bilko is playing golf on the army base]
Bilko: Twenty bucks says I can hit the parking lot.
Wally: I don't gamble.
Bilko: Well, what is it you *do* do?
Wally: Permission to speak freely...
Bilko: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead!
Wally: I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life.
Bilko: Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?
Barbella: Sarge, you're crying.
Bilko: [as he admires Las Vegas] It's just so beautiful!
Bilko: Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted.
Bilko: [introducing Wally to the other men] Luis Clemente. This guy is smart, very smart, he has an IQ.
Colonel Hall: Very good. As you were.
[the men just stand there]
Bilko: He means go back to what you were doing.
Bilko: Hello, soldiers.
[they look around]
Bilko: I'm talking to you. Because that's what you are, really, soldiers. Every last one you with a couple of exceptions.
Paparelli: [whispering] He's got a plan.
Fender: [whispering] He sure does.
Bilko: I'm going to tell you a little story. There once was a little boy, and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophistocated, illegal gaming operations the United States Army has ever seen.
Zimmerman: [whispering] He's not worried.
Morales: [whispering] Not a bit.
Bilko: And that little boy's dream came true... but now,they're trying to snatch that dream *back* from him.
Zimmerman: [whispering] He's worried.
Morales: [whispering] It's not good.
Bilko: But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O! Of course the first few letters are B-I-L, which is meaningless. But still, am I giving up? No! Never! Well kind of, but not really, because there is *no way* I'm going to Greenland. Well, you are probably wondering if I have a plan. Well, of course I have a plan! A P-L-A-N - plan!
[spells "PALN" on the chalkboard]
Bilko: But, ha ha ha.
[begins crying]
Paparelli: [whispering] He's got no plan.
Morales: [whispering] We're screwed.
Wally: I have a plan, Sarge.
Bilko: But maybe, a plan is not what I really need. what I really need,
[gets down on knees]
Bilko: is just a little puppy.
[crying and interacting with an imaginary puppy]
Bilko: A little puppy with big brown eyes, who would just come to me and lick my face, and just love me so much no matter what kind of person I am.
Bilko: [to Wally] Any one of these men would take a bullet for you.
Fender: Well, not in the chest!
Bilko: Rita, you can't marry Thorn, you're not in love with him. Think of the children, I mean, you're Catholic and he's an... asshole. How would you raise them?
Bilko: [introducing Wally to the other men] Tony Morales. The only thing you need to know about Tony is this: he doesn't takes showers because it fogs up the mirror. And finally, the manchild of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe, look out girls, he hates to dine alone, Private Duaaane Doberman!
Doberman: Aw, Sarge.
Bilko: Doberman doesn't take showers either but for an entirely different and much more frightening reason.
Paparelli: He's gonna think of something. Remember that time I got the letter from my wife saying that she wanted to break up with me? Huh? Remember what Bilko did?
Wally: He got your wife back?
Paparelli: No, he got me another wife! A better wife!
Rita Robbins: Ernie, are we going to dance tonight?
Bilko: Well, thats up to you. I remember the last time we danced I accidently stepped on your knee.
Bilko: Let's go campers. It's 10am. Time to start the day.
Colonel Hall: What is that?
Bilko: [nonchalantly] That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men "You have to test-drive the vehicles"...
Colonel Hall: What's it doing there?
Bilko: It keeps the flies off the food, sir. There's no way you can tell what wrong with an engine when it's just sitting on the block...
Colonel Hall: Off the food?
Bilko: It's an experimental program, I'd say the results are mixed.
[Hall then notices the live horse from the tug-of-war that's been hoisted up above them]
Sgt. Barbella: It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir.
Sgt. Henshaw: And fresher too.
Major Thorn: [Oster and Monday have been investigating Bilko] Nothing? You found nothing?
Lt. Monday: Every ounce of my training tells me he's hiding something.
Lt. Oster: It seems like every time we're about to get our hands on something...
Lt. Monday: It dissolves.
Major Thorn: I know. It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall!
Lt. Monday: No... it's like watching a magician.
Lt. Oster: He's got you watching his left hand...
Lt. Monday: And his right hand keeps pulling rabbits.
Major Thorn: Well, then lets tie his hands.
Major Ebersole: Well, theoretically, and I wouldn't bet the farm, the hover tank will lift off and hover several inches above the pond.
Colonel Hall: Good. Very good.
Major Ebersole: Yeah. Then it will engage the targets. The cannon, boom, the ammunition dump, kaboom, that truck, boom.
Colonel Hall: Excellent. Though, one thought. Maybe it should be boom, boom, *then* kaboom. You know, save that kaboom for the very last, kind of like a hoo-ah grand finale. What do you think, Major?
Major Ebersole: [stares at him] I'll make a note of it, sir.
Rita Robbins: [about Bilko] I just need to find out how much he really loves me.
MSgt. Stan Sowicki: He loves you plenty.
Rita Robbins: More than he loves Las Vegas?
MSgt. Stan Sowicki: That's asking a lot.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Hey, Paparelli, how are those tickets going for the Meet Stormin' Norman barbeque?
Paparelli: It's a sellout, Sarge.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Did you find a lookalike?
Paparelli: We found one.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Ahh. No wonder they call me a Master Sergeant.
[Rita is standing in the church waiting for Bilko to turn up to their wedding]
Minister: My, that's a lovely dress.
Rita Robbins: Thank you, Reverend.
Minister: Is it new?
Rita Robbins: No, I wore it the last time the lying shitheel stood me up.
Minister: Ah.
Cpl. Jefferson: The Pentagon called, sir.
Colonel Hall: Pentagon? How did they get my number?
Sgt. Raquel Barbella: [as they're rushing to Bilko's wedding in a Humvee] Give me the ring. You were the best man last time.
Sgt. Henshaw: He didn't get married last time, that don't count!
Sgt. Raquel Barbella: It's my turn!
Sgt. Henshaw: How are you gonna be best man?
Sgt. Henshaw: "Can't" is a four letter word in this platoon.
Assistant Casino Manager: You seem to be having quite a run. Is there anything we can do for you?
Bilko: Yes, go down to your vault and tell the rest of your money to be patient, we'll be together soon.
Bilko: [repeated line he uses on superior officers] You look fantastic, have you lost weight?
Wally: Permission to speak freely, Sarge.
Bilko: Permission? What, are we in Russia? Say anything you want.
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: [Pvt. Doberman is playing tug-of-war with a horse for a bet] What's going on?
Sgt. Raquel Barbella: It's Private Doberman, he's the one that looks sort of human. Last night in the gym he said, "I feel as strong as a horse." Some guy from Company P overheard him and said, "Yeah, for how much?". That's the golden rule around here, you don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up.
[Major Thorn is doing a surprise inspection of the barracks, so just before he arrived Bilko quickly moved his men out of their untidy living quarters to another platoon's next door and switched the signs around]
Major Thorn: [holding up some ladies underwear he's found in the closet] Are these yours?
Sgt. Henshaw: It is my understanding that you can longer ask me these questions, sir.
Colonel Hall: It's a new army, Major. We're all adjusting.
Major Thorn: [in a movie theatre] If any of this is frightening, you can hold on to me.
Rita Robbins: [a pre-feature commercial is playing] They're dancing Raisinets.
Major Thorn: And you don't find that frightening?
Bilko: I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome ahead of time. It's more organized.

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