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Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick Dr. Watson join forces to outwit and bring down their fiercest adversary, Professor Moriarty.
[Holmes is looking at Moriarty and starts analyzing the upcoming fight] Sherlock Holmes: [v.o] His advantage, my injury. My advantage, his rage. Incoming assault feral, but experienced. Use his momentum to counter. [as Holmes hits Moriarty in the face, everything stops and the audience watches Moriarty's face] Professor Moriaty: [v.o] Come now, you really think you're the only one who can play this game? [Back to the analyzed fight] Professor Moriaty: Trap arm, target weakness. Follow with haymaker. Sherlock Holmes: Ah, there we find the boxing champion of Cambridge. [Holmes throws a hook at Moriarty's face] Professor Moriaty: Competent, but predictable. Now, allow me to reply. [Moriarty throws several punches at Holmes' shoulder] Sherlock Holmes: Arsenal running dry. Adjust strategy. [Holmes tries to kick Moriarty but fails] Professor Moriaty: Wound taking its toll. Sherlock Holmes: As I feared. Injury makes defense untenable. Prognosis, increasingly negative. [Moriarty corners Holmes against the edge of the cliff] Professor Moriaty: Let's not waste any more of one another's time. We both know how this ends. [Moriarty throws Holmes over the balcony and the scene cuts back to the real time] Sherlock Holmes: Conclusion: inevitable. Unless... [Holmes blows ashes from his pipe into Moriarty's face, grabs him, and topples them both over the balcony, down the falls]
Sherlock Holmes: Uh, hmm... Right. Where are the wagons? Madam Simza Heron: The wagon is too slow. Can't you ride? Dr. John Watson: It's not that he can't ride... How is it you put it, Holmes? Sherlock Holmes: They're dangerous at both ends and... crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs?
[after Holmes throws Mary off the train, Watson turns around and sees his wife gone] Sherlock Holmes: It had to be done. She's safe now! In my own defense, I timed it perfectly-! [Watson lunges at him and starts throttling him] Dr. John Watson: Did you kill my wife? Sherlock Holmes: [muffled, tries to respond] Dr. John Watson: DID-YOU-JUST-KILL-MY-NEW-WIFE? Sherlock Holmes: [forces Watson's hand away] Of course not! Dr. John Watson: What do you mean? How do you know that, when you just threw her off a train? Sherlock Holmes: I told you, I timed it perfectly! Dr. John Watson: What does that mean? Sherlock Holmes: Calm down! Dr. John Watson: Explain! Sherlock Holmes: By the time I explained, we'd both be dead!
Madam Simza Heron: What do you see? Sherlock Holmes: Everything. That is my curse.
Dr. John Watson: [reading a note from Holmes] Come at once if convenient. [flips the note over to back side] Dr. John Watson: If inconvenient, come all the same.
Professor Moriaty: You see, hidden within the unconscious, there is an insatiable desire for conflict. So, you're not fighting me, so much as you are the human condition. All I want to do is own the bullets and the bandages.
Sherlock Holmes: [after they finish a short waltz] Who taught you to dance like that? Dr. John Watson: [with a smile of reminiscence] You did.
Sherlock Holmes: Madam, this is a glorious hedgehog goulash. I can't remember ever having had better. Dr. John Watson: Do tell me, when was the last time you had a hedgehog goulash? Sherlock Holmes: I told you, Watson, I can't remember. Dr. John Watson: [whispered] Perhaps you've repressed it. Sherlock Holmes: [chuckles] That's where we differ. Unlike you, I repress nothing. Dr. John Watson: Perfectly normal. Sherlock Holmes: How dare you be rude to this women who has invited us into her tent, offered us her hedgehog? Dr. John Watson: Says the man who throws women from trains.
Mycroft Holmes: Good evening, Mrs Watson. I'm the other Holmes. Mary Watson: You mean there's *two* of you? How marvelous! Could this evening get any better?
Dr. John Watson: [performing CPR] I know you can hear me, you selfish bastard!
[Holmes has arrived at the auction and is trying to defuse the motion-sensitive bomb intended for Dr. Hoffmanstahl] Sherlock Holmes: One million pounds! Oh, and by the way, fire.
Mycroft Holmes: Where are you *going*, Stanley?
[Holmes detects that an assassin is hiding on the ceiling and preparing to kill Simza; he compares taking the man out to preparing an omelet] Sherlock Holmes: [voice-over] First, pillage the nest. Clip wings. Now, blunt his beak. Crack eggs. Scramble, pinch of salt. Touch of pepper. Flip the omelet. Additional seasoning required. Breakfast is served.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, how I've missed you, Holmes. Sherlock Holmes: Have you? Why? I've barely noticed your absence.
[from trailer] Dr. John Watson: [seeing Holmes's drag outfit] What? Sherlock Holmes: I agree it's not my best disguise.
Sherlock Holmes: Did you call me a selfish bastard? Dr. John Watson: Probably.
Mary Watson: I miss him too, in my own way. Dr. John Watson: He would have wanted us to go to Brighton. Mary Watson: He would have wanted to come with us.
[when Holmes has sedated Gladstone yet again] Dr. John Watson: How many times are you going to kill my dog?
Sherlock Holmes: Dear, dear, sickly sweet Nanny. Might I have a word? [He uncovers the tray in her hands, revealing white rats under glass] Sherlock Holmes: Yummy. Feed the snake, woman. Mrs. Hudson: You feed it! Sherlock Holmes: Touchy, touchy.
Dr. John Watson: [as he watches Sherlock drinking embalming fluid] You're drinking embalming fluid? Sherlock Holmes: [exhales] Yes. Care for a drop? Dr. John Watson: You do seem... Sherlock Holmes: Excited? Dr. John Watson: Manic. Sherlock Holmes: I am. Dr. John Watson: Verging on... Sherlock Holmes: Ecstatic? Dr. John Watson: Psychotic. Dr. John Watson: [pause] I should've brought you a sedative.
[from trailer] Professor Moriaty: Are you sure you want to play this game? Sherlock Holmes: I'm afraid you'd lose.
Sherlock Holmes: [lights pipe] Dr. John Watson: What are we doing down here? Sherlock Holmes: *We* are waiting. *I* am smoking.
[from trailer] Sherlock Holmes: [looks at Watson's gun] Get that out of my face. Dr. John Watson: It's not in your face; it's in my hand. Sherlock Holmes: Get what's in your hand out of my face!
Dr. John Watson: He's after us, because of you! Sherlock Holmes: Don't be so petulant about it.
Dr. John Watson: How did you know I would find you? Sherlock Holmes: You didn't find me. You collapsed a building on me.
Sherlock Holmes: Lie down with me Watson.
Irene Adler: [as her thugs are getting ready to beat Holmes] Be careful with the face, boys! We do have a dinner date tonight.
Sherlock Holmes: [whistling A Little Night Music and stops] I forgot the rest! [gets strangled] Sherlock Holmes: Ah, it's coming back.
[repeated line] Sherlock Holmes: [riding a pony] Slow and steady wins the race.
Professor Moriaty: Rest assured, if you attempt to bring destruction down upon me, I shall do the same to you. My respect for you, Mr. Holmes, is the only reason you are still alive. Sherlock Holmes: You've paid me several compliments. Let me pay you one in return when I say that, if I were assured of the former eventuality, I would cheerfully accept the latter.
Sherlock Holmes: Who's been dancing on my chest?
Colonel Sebastian Moran: [watching something moving behind a cover] What are you playing at? [cover falls off to reveal a cannon aimed at him] Colonel Sebastian Moran: ...That's not fair.
[first lines] Dr. John Watson: [voice-over] The year was 1891. Storm clouds were brewing over Europe. France and Germany were at each other's throats, the result of a series of bombings. Some said it was the Nationalists. Others, the anarchists. But as usual, my friend Sherlock Holmes, had a different theory entirely.
Professor Moriaty: [as he writes his notes] Fine choice, this place. Do you have the letter? Irene Adler: It was taken. Professor Moriaty: Taken? That is unfortunate. Irene Adler: During the chaos created by your package. Irene Adler: [to the waiter who is serving her tea] Thank you. Irene Adler: Perhaps, if you had shared your plans. Professor Moriaty: You wish to know my plans now, dear? Do you imagine, Miss Adler, that something would happen to you? Is that why you chose to meet here in a public place? Your favorite restaurant? [Moran taps his glass three times, causing everyone in the restaurant to immediately leave] Professor Moriaty: [revealing himself to Irene] I don't blame you. I blame myself. It's been apparent to me for some time that you would succumb to your feelings for him. It isn't the first occasion that Mr. Holmes inconvenienced me in recent months. The question is: What to do about it? That is my problem to solve now. I no longer require your services [sipping his tea while Adler collapse to her death]
Dr. John Watson: I'm on my honeymoon! [Watson kicks Holmes on the bum] Dr. John Watson: Why did you lead them here! Why did you involve us? Sherlock Holmes: They're not here for me they are here for you! Fortunately... so am I.
Sherlock Holmes: Are you familiar with the study of graphology? Professor Moriaty: I have never given it any serious thought, no. Sherlock Holmes: The psychological analysis of handwriting. The upwards strokes on the p, the j, the m indicate a genius level intellect. The flourishes on the lower zone denote a highly creative yet meticulous nature. But if one observes the overall slant and pressure of the handwriting there is a suggestion of acute narcissism, a complete lack of empathy, and pronounced inclination toward... Professor Moriaty: No! Sherlock Holmes: ...moral insanity.
Mrs. Hudson: Doctor, you must get him to a sanatorium. He's been on a diet of coffee, tobacco, and coca leaves. He never sleeps. I hear multiple voices as if he's rehearsing for a play... Dr. John Watson: Leave him to me. Sherlock Holmes: [appears next to her] Don't you have a goat that needs worming? [goat lows] Mrs. Hudson: Oh, how kind of you to remind me. So much to look forward to. What would I do without you?
Sherlock Holmes: What better place to start a war than a peace summit?
Sherlock Holmes: [to Moriarity] My horror at your crimes is matched only by my admiratio of the skill it took to achieve them.
Mycroft Holmes: [referring to Watson] You know, he's nothing like as slow witted as you've been leading me to believe, Sherly.
Sherlock Holmes: [referring to Moriarty] If we can stop him, we shall prevent the collapse of Western civilization... No pressure.
Sherlock Holmes: [referring to his disguise] It's so overt it's covert.
[from trailer] Sherlock Holmes: I'm knee-deep in the single most important case of my career.
Dr. John Watson: [Sherlock holds out his hand towards Watson] I thought you'd never ask. [Watson and Holmes start to dance together]
[last lines] Dr. John Watson: [upon receiving the oxygen mask as an indication that Holmes may be alive] Mary? Who delivered this parcel? Mary Watson: [offscreen] The postman. Dr. John Watson: [as he leaves the room] The usual chap or... did he look peculiar?
Professor Moriaty: [to Holes] My repect for you, Mr. Holmes, is the only reason you're still alive.
Sherlock Holmes: Herr Hoffmanstahl, you should count yourself lucky. This faceless man with whom you find yourself in business is no ordinary criminal. He's the Napoleon of crime. Fortunately, you now have me as an ally. I'm a consulting detective of some repute. Perhaps you've heard of me? My name is Sherlock... [muffled explosion] Sherlock Holmes: [Holmes coughs/clears his throat] ... Holmes.
[from trailer] Sherlock Holmes: [getting ready to be shot at] Make it count!
[after Holmes's booby-trap drives back Moriarty's assassins on the train] Sherlock Holmes: That was no accident. It was by design. Now, do you need me to elaborate... or can we just crack on?
Sherlock Holmes: We get to have that game, after all.
Dr. John Watson: [Teading Holmes' note aloud] Come at once if convenient. [Turning the note over] Dr. John Watson: If inconvenient, come all the same.
[from trailer] Dr. John Watson: I see your web of conspiracy has expanded.
Dr. John Watson: Holmes, how did you know I would find you? Sherlock Holmes: You didn't find me, you collapsed a building on me.
Sherlock Holmes: [regarding his dislike of having to ride horses] It's 1891, we could have charted a balloon!
Sherlock Holmes: [dancing with Simza] Just follow my lead.
Sherlock Holmes: You have the supply, new you require the demand. A war with everyone... a world war.
Dr. John Watson: [about Holmes] It's not that he can't ride a horse, exactly. It's just he feels they are dangerous at both ends, and crafty in the middle.
Professor Moriaty: Your clock is ticking.
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