Rumpelstiltskin tricks a mid-life crisis burdened Shrek into allowing himself to be erased from existence and cast in a dark alternate timeline where Rumpel rules supreme.

Donkey: Man, you are a cat-tastrophe.
Puss in Boots: And you, are ri-donk-ulous.
[Both laugh]
Butterpants: Do the roar!
Shrek: Fiona, I know everything about you, I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the i. I know that when you see a shooting star you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose, and you make a wish, I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes, you're afraid you're going to wake up back in that tower, But most importantly Fiona, I know that the reason that you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed, well, by me.
Donkey: Are my kids cute or do they make people uncomfortable?
Donkey: And I thought the waffle fairy was just a bedtime story!
Shrek: Okay, I know you don't remember me but we're married, and at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks and this boy kept saying 'do the roar! do the roar!' Then I punched the cake that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole.
[last lines]
Shrek: You know, I always thought I'd rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.
Princess Fiona: You did.
Shrek: No. It was you who rescued me.
Rumpelstiltskin: You're not going to eat me?
Shrek: I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Puss in Boots: Feed me, if you dare.
Princess Fiona: And when the smoke clears... Wait, what's this?
Cookie: That's my chimichanga stand.
Princess Fiona: Um, no, Cookie. We won't be needing that.
Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y'all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, OK? Now go and finish your little speech.
Shrek: There's a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest! Don't you find that a wee bit suspicious?
Butterpants: Do the roar!
Shrek: [unenthusiastically] Roar.
Butterpants: I don't like it.
Shrek: Sorry, but this order's to go.
Cookie: But I haven't taken out his gibblets yet.
Shrek: Trust me, you don't want to eat this one.
Donkey: I go down smooth, but I come out fightin'!
Donkey: Help! I'm being assnapped!
Donkey: You know what would pick up the morale in here? Flip-flop Fridays. You can feel the breeze in your toes.
Donkey: I'm a daddy?
Brogan: Welcome to the Resistance, brother.
Shrek: Resistance?
Brogan: We fight for justice, and for oppressed ogres everywhere!
[Holds his nose and blows, and his ears trumpet; the other ogres follow suit]
Shrek: I didn't know we could do that.
Shrek: [upon seeing the obese Puss] Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa...
[Puss gives a stinky look]
Shrek: fa... ncy!
Puss in Boots: Do I know you?
Shrek: Where's your hat? Where's your belt? Your wee little boots?
Puss in Boots: Boots? For a cat? Ha!
Shrek: But you're Puss in Boots.
Puss in Boots: Maybe once. But that is a name I have outgrown.
Shrek: That's not the only thing you've outgrown.
Puss in Boots: Hey! I may have let myself go a little since my retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase.
[a mouse runs up and drinks from Puss' bowl]
Puss in Boots: Eh. I'll get him later.
Donkey: Please eat my face last and send my hooves to my momma!
Rumpelstiltskin: Nobody's smart but me!
Cookie: Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen!
Donkey: Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek: Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little mutant donkey dragon babies?
Donkey: I do?
Shrek: You saw what happened. She's going to think I'm crazy.
Donkey: I'm a daddy?
Donkey: Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy!

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