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When a worldly singer witnesses a mob crime, the police hide her as a nun in a traditional convent where she has trouble fitting in.
Delores: [prays] Bless us, oh Lord, for these Thy gifts which we are about to receive. And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of no food, I will fear no hunger. We want you to give us this day, our daily bread. And to the republic for which it stands, and by the power invested in me, I pronounce us ready to eat. Amen.
[first lines] [in a classroom in 1968] Nun: Who can name all the apostles? Yes, Delores? Little Delores: John, Paul, George... and Ringo! [the children laugh] Nun: Delores Wilson, you are the most unruly, disobedient girl in this school! Now, I want you to march right up to that blackboard and write the names of all the apostles alphabetically. [Little Delores walks up to the blackboard and writes "John, Paul, Peter" and "Elvis" in big letters, underlined. The children laugh again] Nun: This is enough! You are hopeless, and I wash my hands of you. Mark my words, Delores. If you continue on this disruptive track, it will lead straight to the devil. Have you any idea what girls like you become? [Little Delores smiles]
[at the end of her song at the Moonlight Lounge] Delores: Good night, ladies and gentlemen! Michelle, Tina: [singing] Heat wave! Delores: You don't give a shit. Michelle, Tina: [singing] Heat wave! Delores: Let's get the hell outta here. Michelle, Tina: [singing] Heat wave! [the song ends and only two people applaud]
Eddie: Where are you going? Delores: I'm going to the little nun's room, nosy!
Willy: What is she doin'? Joey: Oh, my God. She's prayin'. Delores: Lord, I want you to forgive Willy and Joey, because they know not what they do. They're only doin' what Vince told 'em to do, because Vince is too chicken to do it himself! So he's called upon these 2 men to take care of his business! So I want you to forgive them, Lord. Espectum, espertum, cacoomb, toutu, eplubium. Amen! Willy, Joey: Amen. [Delores whacks them in their crotches and darts off]
Biker #2: This turns into a nun's bar, I'm outta here.
Vince: Is it done? Willy: Not completely. Vince: What do you mean? Joey: Vince, we can't waste a nun. Vince: What are you two nuts talking about? It's Delores, in a costume. Willy: How do you know she didn't sign up and become one of them when she was there? Things like this happen. Vince: [frustrated sigh] Because I know this woman. In the biblical sense and she ain't no nun.
Reverend Mother: Girl groups? Boogie-woogie on the piano? What were you thinking? Delores: I was thinkin' more like Vegas, y'know, get some butts in the seats. Reverend Mother: And what next? Popcorn? Curtain calls? This is not a theater or a casino. Delores: Yeah, but that's the problem. See, people like going to theaters, and they like going to casinos, but they don't like coming to church. Why? Because it's a drag. But we could change all that, see? We could pack this joint. Reverend Mother: Through blasphemy? You have corrupted the entire choir! [in the hall, Monsignor O'Hara enters] Monsignor O'Hara: Excuse me. [he listens to the argument between Delores and Reverend Mother] Delores: How can you say that? I worked my butt off with these women! They've given up their free time to do this, and they're GOOD! I mean, sister, we could, we could ROCK this place! Reverend Mother: OUT of the question! As of tomorrow, Mary Lazarus resumes her leadership of the choir. [Monsignor knocks on the door] Reverend Mother: COME IN!
[chasing a nun he thinks is Delores] Vince: Hey babe. [Nun turns round, it's Mary Lazarus] Sister Mary Lazarus: Yes, sweetheart?
Sister Mary Robert: Reverend Mother, I know you and Mary Clarence didn't always agree but we have to help her. Please. Sister Mary Patrick: We've gotta save her. Sister Mary Lazarus: We can't leave it up to the feds.
Vince: [refuses to shoot Delores] Joey, do it. Joey: I can't, Vince. She's still a nun. Vince: She's a broad. Y'got it? Just a broad! Reverend Mother: I guarantee you she is no broad! She is Sister Mary Clarence of St. Katherine's Convent. She's a model of generosity, virtue, and love! You have my word for it, gentlemen, she is a nun! Willy: Ya hear that? Now, aren't you glad we didn't shoot her?
Monsignor O'Hara: You took a vow of hospitality for all in need. Reverend Mother: I lied.
Eddie: Deloris, look. Vince knows you're here. We gotta get out now. Delores: Oh, but I can't go. We're singin' for the Pope tomorrow. Eddie: Listen! You gonna be singin' for St. Peter if you don't get your ass outta here now!
[in a casino, to a group of nuns all dressed in full habit] Reverend Mother: Brace yourself, sisters. Spread out and look for Mary Clarence. Try to blend in.
Reverend Mother: [about Delores] She isn't a nun. Her real name is Delores van Cartier. She witnessed a vicious murder and has been hiding in our convent Choir Nun: She... she lied to us? Sister Mary Patrick: She wasn't a nun? Sister Mary Robert: But she made us sing so perfectly! Sister Mary Patrick: [thoughtfully] Now that should have tipped us...
[after seeing Delores on TV, when she should be hiding] Eddie: I'm gonna kill her! I'm gonna kill her myself!
[during a clandestine midnight ice cream feast with Mary Robert, Mary Patrick and Mary Clarence] Sister Mary Lazarus: This is a sin, it's a wicked indulgence. Didn't they have any butter pecan?
Sister Mary Clarence: [grabs a biker by the ear] Young man, take your foot down off of that stool.
[Vince grilling Ernie] Vince: I know they're trying to get something on me, Ernie, but so far they've come up with bubkas. They call Willy and Joey in there, and they're out in 20 minutes. *What are you doing there for three hours, Ernie?*
Eddie: Can I call you Dolores? Dolores: You can call me anything you want as long as you keep me alive.
Sister Mary Patrick: I can't believe the Pope is coming! This is better than ice cream! Sister Mary Robert: It's better than springtime! Delores: It's better than sex! No, I mean - I've heard.
Sister Mary Patrick: We did it! We actually sang a chord! Sister Mary Clarence: Yeah. You sang a chord for two seconds. The next thing you have to do is listen to each other. That's a big key. Big key, you must listen to each other if you're going to be a group. Sister Mary Lazarus: I knew that. Sister Mary Clarence: Mary Lazarus, as soon as I walked through that door I knew that you knew that. Let me ask you something, you're someone in favor of hard work and discipline, right? Sister Mary Lazarus: Of course, I'm a nun! Four popes now. Sister Mary Clarence: Four? Wow. Let me ask you, how often do they rehearse? Sister Mary Lazarus: Twice a week, couple hours. Sister Mary Clarence: Not enough. I mean listen to them, they really need a lot of work. Sister Mary Lazarus: Do you really think they could get better? Sister Mary Clarence: I don't know, they're pretty raw. Sister Mary Lazarus: Wet behind the ears. Sister Mary Patrick: Oh please let us try. Sister Mary Clarence: This is gonna be hell. Sister Mary Lazarus: Tell me about it.
Eddie: Nice church, huh? Delores: Yes, very nice. Look, what am I gonna be? Quasimodo in the belfry? What is this? Eddie: I want you to stay here for a while. Delores: Where? Eddie: In the convent. It's the safest place in the world. You think Vince is gonna look for you in a convent? Delores: Wh... in the what? Eddie: The convent. Delores: You must be out of your... You know what? I'm gonna go back and work this out with Vince. You're a lunatic! I'm not gonna be in no damn convent with these people. These people don't even have sex!
Reverend Mother: I fear I am a relic, and I have misplaced my tambourine.
[in the casino, trying to find Mary Clarence] Sister Mary Patrick: Hi, excuse me, sorry. Has anyone seen a nun? A Carmelite nun? No? Sure? OK, thanks.
Delores: Ugh! Ugh! Gee, what are you people? A Pridikin order? This stuff is terrible! it tastes like shh... Reverend Mother: Sisters, we shall spend the rest of the day in silence. Delores: Well, why? Reverend Mother: Only when we are silent may our prayers TRULY be answered. Delores: Then you don't have to eat this food! Reverend Mother: [bangs on table] Silence begins now... And ends at sundown. Delores: How can you eat this stuff? It's terrible! Reverend Mother: [exasperated] Mary Clarence, I think you might enjoy a ritual fast. Delores: A ritual f...? No. No, no. I don't think I would. I'll put a little salt in it, and it'll be fine. Look, I'm gonna... Somebody pass me the salt over there. Reverend Mother: A fast. To remind you of those who have to endure without food. Delores: [as a nun goes to take her plate, she grabs onto it] No, I don't want you to... I don't want you to take my plate! [slumps as her plate is taken away] Reverend Mother: And silence!
Delores: Are you looking for me? Eddie: How come I saw you on TV? Delores: That was not my fault, these people just showed up, but it's been really good for the convent. Eddie: Listen to yourself! This is not a career move! Delores: You don't have to tell me that. This would not be the place to begin a career. Eddie: You're supposed to be hiding out. Bullets flying through the air at you? Sound familiar? Delores: Yes, but I can't talk about it now because I have a show in 5 minutes. Eddie: Just promise me I won't see you on the Letterman Show. Delores: Okay.
Sister Mary Clarence: I can't leave, they need me. Eddie: A bunch of nuns? What for? Relationship guidance? Make up tips? Sister Mary Clarence: You listen to me. We are talking about the Pope. This means a great deal to them and they have worked very hard for this and they deserve it.
Delores: [at her first choir rehearsal, the choir sings a chord badly with Mary Patrick singing an octave above everyone else] Okay! Okay! Okay! Very nice! [to Mary Patrick] Delores: Um, Sister, can you just slide over here, please? That's a powerful instrument you have there! Sister Mary Patrick: Thank you. Delores: But I think it's probably a good idea if we bring you down out of the rafters, everybody wants to be close to God, I'm just not sure you can do it vocally, so I need you to sing an octave below where you've been singing. Sister Mary Patrick: Okey-dokey! Delores: And Sister Mary Robert, can you just come, yeah, come on over. I noticed that you're moving your mouth but nothing's coming out so I'd like to hear just you by yourself if you don't mind. Sister Alma, can you give me an A please? [pause] Delores: ALMA! Check your battery. Can you give me an A please. [Mary Robert sings in a whisper] Delores: Okay, try this. Close your eyes. Visualize yourself in room full of people, lots of silverware, people talking loud, dropping stuff, drunks, women with trays going 'whadda ya gonna have?'. Your voice has to carry across the din, you have to get up over all of that to be heard in the back of the room where I'm sitting, listening, straining to hear you. Okay? Keep that in your mind while we do this.
Sister Mary Patrick: Why would anyone kidnap a nun? Sister Mary Lazarus: Were they Catholics?
Biker #2: Wanna dance, sister? Sister Mary Clarence: Why? You don't have any rhythm.
Dolores: What do we do now? Pray? What? Reverend Mother: It's 9:00. Pleasant dreams. Dolores: W-Wait. Are you tellin' me we go to bed by 9:00? Reverend Mother: If I were you, I would use this time to think about my life and its direction. Or lack thereof. Dolores: There's nothing wrong with my life. You know, before I came here, I had a career, I had friends, I had clothing that fit. Before I came here, I was okay. Reverend Mother: Oh, really? From what I've heard, your singing career was almost non-existent, and your married lover wants you dead. If you're fooling anyone, it is only yourself. [pointedly] Reverend Mother: God has brought you here. Take the hint.
Tina: What's gonna happen to the act? Delores: What do you mean "what's gonna happen to the act"? You're gonna get somebody else, it's not a big loss. Tina: But you pick all the music, you tell us where to stand and everything. Delores: Yeah, I'm a real genius, I'm a real genius and that's why we're packing 'em in and don't you pack any more of my make-up in that bag, don't think I don't see what you're doing.
Eddie: Mrs. Van Cartier? You're Vince LaRocca's girlfriend, right? Delores: Well you could... sort of... maybe... it depends on how you look at it! I mean, the guy just tried to kill me so I don't think that cements our relationship! Eddie: You realize he's a major underworld figure, don't you? Det. Clarkson: He's into drug dealing, money laundering. Det. Tate: We've been investigating Mr. LaRocca for the last 18 months. We've got videotapes, surveillance photos... Delores: Am I... am I in any of the... videotapes? Det. Tate: No, no, no, criminal activity.
Reverend Mother: [about Dolores] That is not a person you can hide. That is a conspicuous person designed to stick out.
Sister Mary Lazarus: Oh! You don't think I see. You think I took vows yesterday.
[discussing convents] Sister Mary Lazarus: A progressive convent? Sounds awful. I liked my convent in Vancouver. Out in the woods. It wasn't all modern like some of these new-fangled convents. We didn't have electricity. Bare feet, cold water. They were nuns. Sister Mary Patrick: Sounds wonderful! Sister Mary Lazarus: It was hell on earth, I loved it. This place is a Hilton.
Delores: You still haven't told me what she said? Vince: What who said? Delores: What who said. The one with the moustache, the one you're married to. Vince: You are so damn hot. Delores: And you are so full of it. You didn't tell her, did you? I knew it. I knew you weren't gonna tell her. I knew it.
Delores: What am I gonna do here? I'm gonna go crazy! There's nothing but a lot of white women dressed as nuns! What am I gonna do here? Eddie: Pray. Delores: Pray?
Delores: [after putting on the habit] Oh, no! No, no, no! I can't do this. I'm sorry. This is fine for covering a little bulge, but now I've got holster hips! Reverend Mother: People wish to kill you. Anyone who's met you I imagine. A disguise is necessary to protect us all. While you are here, you will conduct yourself as a nun. Only I will know who and what you truly are. You will draw no attention to yourself whatsoever. Delores: But look at me! I'm a nun! I'm a - I'm a penguin! Reverend Mother: As from now and until you leave, you are Sister Mary Clarence. Delores: Mary Clarence? Like Clarence Williams III from The Mod Squad? Reverend Mother: Mary is in deference to our Holy Mother. The Clarence is in honor of Saint Clarence of Concordia. There are 3 vows every nun must accept: The vow of poverty. Delores: Mmm. Reverend Mother: The vow of obedience. Delores: Mm-Hmm. Reverend Mother: And the vow of chastity. Delores: I am outta here with that.
Sister Mary Lazarus: Don't leave him bald and yowling in despair!
Delores: [after Vince has sent Delores a purple mink coat] Well obviously Mr. LaRocca feels he can win me back by sending me this absolutely *fabulous* coat. Michelle: Put it on, put it on! Tina: It's beautiful. Delores: You see, some girls would fall for this but not me. I think I'll make him wait a while before I let him know that I... Michelle: What? Delores: [Showing a monogram stitched into the inside of the coat] Connie LaRocca. It's his wife's coat. The man gave me his wife's coat. Michelle: I don't believe this. Tina: Put it back on! It's yours now, you deserve it. Delores: No, I don't *deserve* it, I haven't *earned* it. You don't *earn* other peoples wife's fur coats, okay? I think it's time to just go upstairs, give it back to him and get the hell out of this dump.
Vince: How can you let them grill me there for six hours? Larry: I can't control how long they're gonna question you. Vince: Did you go to law school, Harry? Larry: Yeah, I went to law school, Vince. Vince: Did you graduate? Larry: Hey, I'm a lawyer, of course I graduated.
Sister Mary Robert: I'm so nervous. What if I forget the words? Sister Mary Clarence: You're gonna go straight to hell.
Dolores: Don't worry, we will always be together. Mary Lazarus: That's what Diana Ross said.
Delores: What are you gonna do? Stick me in a bag and bury me? Forget it!
Reverend Mother: I shall ask Monsignor O'Hara and Lt. Souther to find a safer, and more suitable situation for you. Dolores: Oh, no. Come on. Don't send me away. Really. I mean, I'm just startin' to get the hang of this. I mean, look. I'm not gonna endanger anyone or anything else. I swear! What about forgiveness? Isn't that what you preach? There's gotta be something around here I can do that's not gonna chip my nails or annoy anybody. Reverend Mother: You're right, Mary Clarence. To err is human, to forgive divine. You may stay. But I shall restrict your activities to a single task. Dolores: What's that? Reverend Mother: Singing. You will join the choir. Dolores: Choir? No! Reverend Mother: You will sleep and you will sing. That will be your task until you leave. Dolores: No! The choir? I mean, have you heard them? Reverend Mother: The choir, Mary Clarence.
Sister Mary Robert: [looking at Reno from the helicopter] It's beautiful! Sister Mary Patrick: And what a lovely name, Reno! Reverend Mother: ...and Gomorrah!
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