When missile technology is used to enhance toy action figures, the toys soon begin to take their battle programming too seriously.

Major Chip Hazard: I love the smell of polyurethane in the morning.
Archer: Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there.
Irwin Wayfair: We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.
Larry Benson: How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard... The mechanicals are standard. Even the... Oh.
Irwin Wayfair: What's "Oh"?
Larry Benson: What?
Irwin Wayfair: You just said "Oh."
Larry Benson: No, l said "Oh."
Irwin Wayfair: "Oh" like "Something interesting" or "We're screwed"?
Larry Benson: No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh... Forget the "Oh". l'll go to legal to start on the countersuit.
Irwin Wayfair: The chips! That's the "Oh."! These microprocessing chips. What do they do and where did you get them from?
Larry Benson: They microprocess. And they come from the land of l Saved Your Job.
Irwin Wayfair: [as Irwin checking the origins of the chips in the computer] They were designed for the Defense Department. You put munitions chips in toys?
Major Chip Hazard: Are you scared? We're all scared. You'd have to be crazy not to be scared.
Major Chip Hazard: You've got a lot of guts. Let's see what they look like.
Major Chip Hazard: It's a small world after all.
Major Chip Hazard: Yo maggot! An officer and a gentlemen does not strike a lady.
Brad: What?
Joe: So what's the seminar your dad's goin' to?
Alan: "How to Make a Success of Your Small Buisness." My suggestion was torch the place.
Joe: Not a good idea. Arson forensics nowadays is very sophisticated.
Major Chip Hazard: We're not toys, we're action figures!
Christy Fimple: Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?
Irwin Wayfair: Seven Gorgonites and nine people
Gil Mars: Excuse me, did you say "learn"?
Irwin Wayfair: [stuttering] Learn, learn... yeah
Gil Mars: ...Next.
Chip Hazard: Soldiers, no poor sap ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by being all that he can be. Damn the torpedoes, or give me death! Eternal vigilance is the price of duty. And, to the victors go the spoils. So remember: you are the best of the best of the few and the proud. So ask not what your country can do for you, only regret that you have but one life to live! The war against the Gorgonites will be won! Commando Elite, let the first shot be fired! Search out the Gorgonites and frag 'em all!
Gwendy Doll: All my makeup is cruelty free!
Phil Fimple: I think World War II was my favorite war.
Major Chip Hazard: If it lacerates or detonates, I want it mobile and I want it lethal.
Stuart Abernathy: I'm gonna find a way to stop these guys before my wife gets tennis elbow.
Archer: Gorgonites, we must help Alan.
Freakenstein: But if we fight, we would lose.
Freakenstein: Last time we fought, I woke up with AM/FM.
Insaniac: I tell you, war is nuts, and I know what I'm talking about.
Punch-It: We shouldn't fight, we should hide.
Christy Fimple: Any sign of the Gorgonites?
Alan: No, none of them.
Phil Fimple: [calling off shot] Come on Christy!
Christy Fimple: [kisses Alan on cheek] I gotta go.
[Alan grabs her and kisses her overdramatically]
Gil Mars: [getting into helicopter, looking at wreckage] Too bad, would've made a hell of a commercial.
Punch-It: We shouldn't fight, we should hide.
Archer: If we hide, we will still lose. No more hiding.
Gwendy Doll: Watch out! She's got a baton! It's a Bataan death march!
Ralph, Clean Room Technician: The chips are a little sensitive to EMP.
Irwin Wayfair: EMP?
Ralph, Clean Room Technician: Electomagnetic Pulse. As in the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt that the toy industry has become quite that competitive.
[while pulling the X-1000 chip from the deceased Nick Nitro's head]
Major Chip Hazard: A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Chip Hazard: Nick Nitro's battery has run out, but his memory lives on.
Major Chip Hazard: An officer and a gentleman does not strike a lady!
Christy Fimple: You rescued me!
[Grabs Alan and gives him a passionate kiss]
Alan: Anytime
[Christy grabs Alan and gives him another passionate kiss]
Christy Fimple: Lets go get those creeps!
Gil Mars: Now these guys are soldiers, right? And what do soldiers need?
Irwin Wayfair: Hats?
Chip Hazard: We are the Commando Elite. Everything else is just a toy!
Chip Hazard: We have met the enemy, and he is you.
Gwendy Doll: I think I over-plucked my eyebrows!
Alan: Damn potholes.
Gwendy Doll: If you can't accessorize, pulverize!
Gwendy Doll: Let's see if her head pops off!
Gil Mars: What are you worried about? They're only toys...
[first lines]
Irwin Wayfair: He's here! He's early! He's not supposed to be here now. He said... okay, here's the copy of... check.
Larry Benson: Pretty exciting, huh?
Irwin Wayfair: I don't know. I think it's kinda sad, I mean you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.
Larry Benson: Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.
Irwin Wayfair: Yeah, well the real world sucks.
Chip Hazard: His battery has run out but his memory will keep going, and going, and going.
Alan: [Freakenstein and Punch-It are at Alan's computer] What are you looking for?
Freakenstein: Gorgon.
Alan: Well, this is a Central Park.
Freakenstein: The Isle of Gorgon is our homeland.
Punch-It: Will you help us find it?
Alan: I don't think you're gonna find it in here.
Archer: [at Alan's bedroom window] Alan, if Gorgon is not in that window, is it in this one?
Larry Benson: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
Irwin Wayfair: l doubt l'll have one in the junk drawer.
Phil Fimple: Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?
Larry Benson: The chips aren't shielded against an EMP. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.
Irwin Wayfair: That's why the military never used them.
Stuart Abernathy: What kind of moron would put military technology in toys?
Irwin Wayfair: [pointing at Larry] Well that would be Gizmo over here.
Archer: What's your name?
Alan: Alan. Now shut up!
Archer: Greetings, Alan now shut up.
Timmy Fimple: So when am I going to get the Major Chip Hazard figure?
Christy Fimple: Never, if you don't shut up.
Archer: Alan, friend of Archer, defender of all Gorgonites, Keeper of Encarta...
Alan: "Keeper of Encarta"? You were using my computer? If I find a virus in there you're headed for the microwave!
Major Chip Hazard: Damn the torpedoes, or give me death.
Major Chip Hazard: There will be no mercy.
Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary or the Gorgonites.
Alan: Awfully polite for a monster.

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