A desk-bound CIA analyst volunteers to go undercover to infiltrate the world of a deadly arms dealer, and prevent diabolical global disaster.

Rick Ford: You really think you're ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I put shards of glass in my fuckin' eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing; I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with *this* fuckin' arm.
Susan Cooper: I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...
Rick Ford: During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.
Susan Cooper: In black-face? That's not appropriate.
Rick Ford: I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while it was on fire. Not the car, *I* was on fire.
Susan Cooper: Jesus, you're intense.
Susan Cooper: Where'd you get a suit?
Rick Ford: I fucking made it, didn't I?
Rick Ford: Nothing kills me. I'm immune to 179 different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison-ingesting crime ring.
Rick Ford: We have to stop the sale of a nuclear bomb. They send in someone who looks like Santa Claus' fucking wife!
Susan Cooper: Uh, did you forget? I am undercover because you are not supposed to be here!
Rick Ford: Well I make a habit out of doing things that people say I can't do: Walk through fire, waterski blindfolded, take up piano at a late age.
Aldo: One day, lady superspy Susan Cooper, I will fuck you.
Susan Cooper: I look like someone's homophobic aunt!
Rick Ford: You're going to ruin this mission.
Susan Cooper: No, *you're* going to ruin this mission.
Rick Ford: No, you are.
Susan Cooper: No, you're going to!
Rick Ford: You... times infinity!
Rayna Boyanov: My father used to bring people like you here.
Susan Cooper: Did he also make you dress like a slutty dolphin trainer?
Susan Cooper: Well, here's to your mom.
Rayna Boyanov: To my mother. And to you.
Susan Cooper: And here's to you. I mean you may never be as wise as an owl but you'll always be a hoot to me! Haha.
Rayna Boyanov: What a stupid fucking retarded toast. You're delightful.
Susan Cooper: As are you.
[they clink their glasses]
[last lines]
Susan Cooper: [Wakes up next to Ford in bed and starts screaming] Aaaaah!
Rick Ford: Oh, stop screaming, you loved it!
Susan Cooper: [rides a moped up a ramp] I AM SO BADASS!
[lands in wet cement]
Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you know what? You play it too safe.
Susan Cooper: Oh maybe you're right. I just... I still, you know, hear my mom's voice... "well-behaved women often make history."
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yes you do know the phrase is, "well-behaved women *seldom* make history."
Susan Cooper: Yeah that's never how she said it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What were her others, uh...
Susan Cooper: Oh, "just blend in, let somebody else win."
Nancy B. Artingstall: Classic.
Susan Cooper: I got that a lot in high school. And there was, "give up on your dreams, Susan." She used to write that in my lunchbox.
Susan Cooper: [from trailer]
[due to her weight, Susan's bike topples]
Susan Cooper: Goddamnit!
Rayna Boyanov: Fuck! People are trying to kill me and all that's left of my security guard is you two and you look like someone's demented aunts on vacation! You!
[Points at Susan]
Rayna Boyanov: Don't you have someone in your team other than this asthmatic big bird?
Bradley Fine: [has gun pointed at Tihomir] Tell me where the bomb is. Ten seconds or you're dead.
Tihomir Boyanov: Interesting. You see, when my men and I hid it, I made sure to erase any witnesses. And then I erased the erasers. Which means, I'm now the only one who knows just where that dangerously compact and transportable nuke is. So... I'd say I have more than ten seconds.
Bradley Fine: Well then in that case, I'd say you'd better st-
[sneezes and accidentally shoots Tihomir in the head]
Bradley Fine: Oh, fuck...
Susan Cooper: [on earpiece] Oh my God, why did you do that?
Bradley Fine: I didn't do it on purpose; there's like a ton of pollen in here!
Aldo: How do you like my English accent? I learned it from the Downton Abbey!
Nancy B. Artingstall: I'm very non-physically resourceful. I read a lot of intelligence, I read a lot of poems, and I've read all of the 'Hunger Games'.
Rayna Boyanov: How is that helpful?
Susan Cooper: And fuck you for saying I look anything like that fucking beast... No wonder your dad never had the son he wanted; you fuck that monster once, and you just drop the fucking mic and walk out.
Susan Cooper: My real name is... Amber Valentine.
Rayna Boyanov: What are you, a porn star?
[Susan orders drones to blow up enemies and allows Fine to escape]
Bradley Fine: Haha, close one! Nice drone work, Coop. I could kiss you!
Susan Cooper: Oh, haha, well I would accept that with an open mouth.
Bradley Fine: Who's the finest of them all?
Susan Cooper: You are! Oh Bradley you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind, hey Bradley!
[clap, clap]
Susan Cooper: And by the way, I can see your gun, unless you're SO extreme that you have a second dick coming out of your hip!
Rick Ford: This is a fucking LAKE?
Rayna Boyanov: Whatever, fuck you.
Susan Cooper: I knew you liked me!
Susan Cooper: Hey! Fuck you too.
Susan Cooper: It's got a Martha Stewart had a breakdown feel.
Nancy B. Artingstall: I don't condone this sexy yet reckless behavior, Susan Cooper!
Aldo: Hello, captured lady.
Rick Ford: Oh, fuck my ass!
Susan Cooper: Jiminy Christmas!
Rick Ford: I told you to send me in there instead of Fine, and you didn't. And now Fine's *dead*. I'm going the fuck in.
Elaine Crocker: You can't. We need someone to follow De Luca without being detected... And that will hopefully take us to Rayna, but it can't be any of you.
Rick Ford: Here's what we do... I go into the Face/Off machine, get a whole new face. I turn up, they never know it's me.
Elaine Crocker: Do you have quarters? Because it costs 50 cents.
Rick Ford: What, I gotta pay?
Elaine Crocker: *No*, because it doesn't exist
Rick Ford: Yes, it does! I heard Cress and Wright talking about it in the shitter.
[Points to Cress and Wright as they look down, hiding there laughter]
Elaine Crocker: I'm sure they were pulling your leg.
Rick Ford: You pair of fucking vaginas!
[Cress and Wright burst out laughing]
Elaine Crocker: Seriously? You've got to cut that out.
Susan Cooper: [commenting on Rick's clumsy rescue entrance] He means well.

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