A movie crew invades a small town whose residents are all too ready to give up their values for showbiz glitz.

Walt Price: Marty, we got a new town. It's uh... Where are we?
Bill Smith: Waterford, Vermont.
Walt Price: Waterford, Vermont. Where is it? THAT'S where it is.
Marty Rossen: I'm going to rip your heart out, then I'm going to piss on your lungs through the hole in your chest! And the best to Marian...
Tommy Max: My wife is going to have a baby.
Walt Price: Oh, good, let's bring more people into this overcrowded world.
Bob Barrenger: I know my lines.
Walt Price: You do?
Bob Barrenger: I just don't know what order they come in.
[after emerging from an upside-down station wagon he has just crashed]
Bob Barrenger: So, that happened.
Joseph Turner White: What's an associate producer credit?
Bill Smith: It's what you give to your secretary instead of a raise.
Bob Barrenger: Only second chance I know, is the chance to make the same mistake twice.
Doug Mackenzie: You have a date, they call, you're doing business nine at o'clock at night.
Ann Black: I wasn't doing business.
Doug Mackenzie: Oh, well what were you doing then that was so important that you shouldn't call your fianc...
Ann Black: I... have to tell you that it is all over between us, Doug. I met somebody else, and it's very serious, and it's over.
Doug Mackenzie: Wait, so serious you couldn't call me and tell you'd be... what?
Tommy Max: I'm very sorry, I...
Walt Price: You're very sorry, you passive-aggressive, son-of-a-bitch... Can we replace him?
Bill Smith: We start shooting in three days.
Marty Rossen: Get him some... Maple syrup.
Walt Price: Maple syrup. Grows on trees.
Marty Rossen: Actually, it's an extract of the tree.
Walt Price: Oh, bullshit.
Sherry Bailey: [singing over the end credits] The life was a sweet, old-fashioned dream and the memory lingers yet. / And I think of our hour by the old mill stream and I find that I'm still wet...
Ann Black: "If you were never down, how would you know when you were up?"
Joe White: You have a gift for words.
Ann Black: It's in your play.
Ann Black: [on phone] No, Henry James was the novelist, Frank James was the criminal. Yup, you came to the right place. Jesse James was the brother.... Of the novelist. That's right, Susie. See you tomorrow, Susie.
Walt Price: [ruefully] And I was just paying off my spread in Montana.
Tommy Max: [into megaphone] We are going again. We are going again. Stand by. Cue the dead horse. Can we get a crate of doughnuts for the Teamsters?
Joe White: The girl was in the car.
Walt Price: I treated you like a son or a nephew.
Joe White: It's not about you.
Walt Price: No? What's it about, then?
Joe White: I have to tell the truth.
Walt Price: That, that is just so narrow!
Walt Price: What does that woman WANT from life?
Marty Rossen: She wants $800,000 to show her tits.
Bunky: Well, it takes all kinds.
Spud: That's what it takes? I always wondered what it took.
Jack: She said she was studying phonics!
Joseph Turner White: I may have to go to jail.
Ann Black: I'll knit you a sweater.
Joseph Turner White: I'm gonna be in there a long time.
Ann Black: I'll knit you a jumpsuit.
Joseph Turner White: You believe that?
Ann Black: I do if you do.
Joseph Turner White: But it's absurd.
Ann Black: So is our electoral process. But we still vote.
Doug Mackenzie: [to Marty Rossen] You travel with the statutes on rape?
[Marty eats a piece of bread]
Marty Rossen: Mm, this is good. Have you tried it?
Walt Price: Oh, like I'm really going to eat carbohydrates.
Marty Rossen: Well, I'm gonna solve it here or this bimbo you sent me is gonna be doing a donkey act on public access television. Her tits her tits her tits her tits. That she signed in her contract! We hired her because of 10 years at the Actors Studio, the way she played Medea? Her last 2 pictures lay there on the screen like my first wife.
Tommy Max: I don't know what her problem is. She takes off her shirt to do a voice-over. What's her problem? The country could draw her tits from memory.
Claire Wellesley: I'm not a child! I have feelings!
Walt Price: What does he like?
Bill Smith: 14-year-old girls.
Walt Price: Well, get him something else. We want to get out of this town alive. Get him half a 28-year-old girl. How's my math?
Decorator: Do you want to see the firemen's costumes? Because i found this mole skin for the color...
Production Assistant: Marty Rossen has touched down
Walt Price: Okay.
Decorator: It's not black but it looks black. it's not brown...
Walt Price: Yep, it's faggy without being homosexual.
Joseph Turner White: You like kids?
Ann Black: Never saw the point of 'em.
Joseph Turner White: Me neither.
Postman: Doc, those pills you gave me; I'm not sure that they work.
Doc Wilson: Well I'm not sure either, but you don't hear me complain.
Doc Wilson: It's the truth that you should never trust anybody who wears a bow tie. Cravat's supposed to point down to accentuate the genitals. Why'd you wanna trust somebody whose tie points out to accentuate his ears?
Walt Price: It's not a lie. It's a gift for fiction.
Walt Price: And we're going to sue you for a billion dollars.
Joe White: What cause?
Walt Price: I don't need a cause, I just need a lawyer!
Marty Rossen: If your memory was as long as your dick, you'd be in good shape.
Walt Price: Who designed these costumes? It looks like Edith Head puked, and that puke designed these costumes.
[last lines]
Bob Barrenger: Beats workin'.
Bill Smith: It's Marty, he's on the coast.
Walt Price: On the coast? Of course he's on the coast, where would he be, The Hague?
Walt Price: Would you like a cigar?
Mayor George Bailey: Aren't these illegal?
Walt Price: Why would they be illegal?
Mayor George Bailey: Well, the trade embargo with Cuba.
Walt Price: Nobody tells me anything.
Tommy Max: My wife is having a baby...
[Walt stares at him irritated]
Walt Price: Thank you for keeping me current.
Joseph Turner White: Ever wonder why the Dalmatian's the symbol of the firehouse?
Ann Black: First organized fire department was on the border of Dalmatia and Sardinia in the year 642.
Joseph Turner White: That's why the Dalmatian?
Ann Black: It was either that, or a sardine.
Ann Black: Everybody makes their own fun. If you don't make it yourself, it isn't fun. It's entertainment.
[repeated line]
Joe White: I lost my typewriter.
Walt Price: We're gonna go have some local food, some roadhouse. Joe, you wanna go?
Joseph Turner White: Gotta date.
Walt Price: Already he's learned how to write a movie and he's found some girl to get his toes curled. You're a monster!
Joseph Turner White: You're too kind.
[Why he lusts for 14 year old girls]
Bob Barrenger: Everybody needs a hobby.
Walt Price: What's in the bag?
Marty Rossen: My undies, cause, you can't get this film off on time I'm gonna wet myself.
Joseph Turner White: How do I do a film called "The Old Mill" when I don't have an old mill?
Ann Black: Well, first you've got to change the title.
Walt Price: Hey, did you see the grosses for Gandhi 2?
Walt Price: This is what my people died for... the right to make a movie in this town.
Production Assistant: Your wife's on the phone.
Walt Price: I have no wife!
Marty Rossen: And how are you getting along with these fine people?
Walt Price: Like dykes and dogs!
Walt Price: How are we coming with the dead horse scene?
Marty Rossen: You can't actually kill the horse.
Walt Price: Aw, fuck me!
Ann Black: You know what you got there? You got a fishhook in your finger. I'm right proud of you.
Ann Black: And here's some hydrogen peroxide.
Joseph Turner White: I don't drink.
Ann Black: It's for your finger.

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