Brothers Brian and Joe Hackett and friend Helen attempt to run an airline on the New England island of Nantucket while surrounded by their various wacky friends and employees.

Brian Hackett: [after a suggestion is made to make s'mores] No, I hate s'mores!
Joe: How could you hate s'mores?
Brian Hackett: Because that's the stupidest name for a food, like "It's so good, I want s-more," Those are so stupid, they should be called stupids!
Roy Biggins: If you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for the big night.
Alex: Oh, that's right, you're about to romance a woman. You'll want to shower, shave, buy chloroform...
Helen: Oh Lowell, please tell me your brother didn't marry his sister.
Roy Biggins: No. Cousin. The sister didn't work out.
Brian Hackett: "Merry Christmas, Brian! Merry Christmas, Brian!" Why does everyone keep saying that? It's only one day! God was born - move on!
[describing Helen and Lowell's date]
Helen: ...then he kissed my hand.
Brian Hackett: Where was your hand?
Joe Hackett: Hello!
Brian Hackett: I saw this on the Twilight Zone one time, all we have to do, is stop time.
Antonio: [after Joe's Anxiety attack, Antonio walks in Joe's office to make sure he's alright. He finds him holding a squeezable doll in his hand] What's with the Dolly?
Joe Hackett: The Doctor gave it to me. I'm supposed to squeeze "Mr. Googi" whenever I feel I might pinch over again.
Antonio: So there's nothing physically wrong with you
[then adds in a sarcastic subtle tone]
Antonio: You're just a nut case.
Joe Hackett: [In an angry provoked tone] Look I'm not...
Helen: Calm Down honey, no body thinks you're crazy. Just squeeze Mr. Googi & visualize your happy place
[after a two second pause]
Helen: Don't get confused again and squeeze your happy place and visualize Mr. Googi!
Roy Biggins: Once you've been with Roy Biggins, you don't want another man!
Antonio: Sounds about right.
Brian Hackett: This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense.
Brian Hackett: It says here, fifteen percent of the American public would rather watch television than have sex.
Roy Biggins: Fifteen perc... Yeah, yeah, I buy that, yeah. You know, maybe you're... you're too tired, or she's too... what's a nice way to put this? Ugly.
Brian Hackett: The words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don't think the words "too ugly" should be in yours.
Lowell Mather: I'm actually a lot like a camel. I can go for months without water.
Roy Biggins: You've only gone twelve hours; you're *way* too much like a camel already.
Roy Biggins: Roy Biggins doesn't pay for sex. Roy Biggins Inc. pays for sex.
Helen: I got suckered into making the stupid welcoming speech at the reunion tonight.
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Let me hear your opening line.
Helen: That was it.
[Joe is dressed as Pinocchio]
Joe Hackett: Look at me, would I lie to you?
Joe Hackett: Lowell, where you going?
Lowell Mather: Oh, to clear my mind.
Roy Biggins: Shouldn't take long. One good sneeze ought to do it.
Roy Biggins: You know what I do when I have a problem with a woman?
Antonio: Deflate her?
Casey Chappel Davenport: How many of those have you drunk?
Lowell Mather: Let's see, the machine holds 40... 80!
Casey Chappel Davenport: We're not having a big sandwich!
Brian Hackett: [slightly annoyed] This is Nanucket, its not San Francisco. We are a simple people. We fish our waters, we till our lands, we eat a big sandwich.
Antonio: [to Helen who is coming towards him menacingly] Don't make me use my pepper spray.
Brian Hackett: Listen, We are throwing a suprise engagement party for Joe and Helen and um your all invited.
Casey Chappel Davenport: Its at the Harbor House tonight, we'll meet you in the lobby at 7:30
Roy Biggins: Well, its a little last minute but its a party and who am I to pass up a big sandwich. How many feet you go for, eight feet?
Lowell Mather: No, this is Joe and Helen, its gotta be the ten footer!
Brian Hackett: Brace yourself guys... um... were not having a big sandwich.
Lowell Mather: Excuse me um almost sounded like you said there'd be no big sandwich.
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Everyone loves the big sandwich.
Roy Biggins: A party with out a big sandwich? it it it it its just not done.
Casey Chappel Davenport: All right! Enough about the big sandwich. I am sure you will all be more than pleased with the food especially after you've tasted the marvelous poached Salmon.
Lowell Mather: How many feet did you get?
Casey Chappel Davenport: It doesn't come by the foot.
Lowell Mather: Then how do you know when your full?
Casey Chappel Davenport: I gotta get off this Island
[leaves quickly]
Joe Hackett: One minute we were smackin' each other with meat, then it got weird.
Joe Hackett: What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?
Brian Hackett: You are sitting on it.
Joe Hackett: I am NOT going in that line of work.
Brian Hackett: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and DON'T flatter yourself.
Melissa Williams: When the door to that trailer opened and I looked into her face, I mean, even with the blonde wig and the tattoos, I knew that I had found my birth mother.
Helen: [Helen is leaving Lowell in charge of the restaurant counter as she heads out of work early] You sure you're gonna be okay with everything, Lowell?
Lowell Mather: Aw, yeah. Don't you worry about a thing; you just go off and have a wonderful time. Where are you going, anyway?
Helen: Uh, I would really rather not say.
Lowell Mather: Aw, come on.
Helen: Well, if you must know, I'm going to see my OB/GYN.
Lowell Mather: Fine, be that way. I'm having dinner with my M-o-m-m-y.
Joe Hackett: This is the dumbest thing Brian's ever done, and he once painted me blue.
[trying to intimidate Fay's mystery admirer]
Joe Hackett: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Mark the Waiter: I'm Mark... your waiter... from the Crab House... I served you... craaaaaaabs.
Helen: I thought Alex had better taste in men than to go out with you.
Brian Hackett: Well, obviously, she doesn't.
Lowell Mather: There must be a really good movie playing. She keeps calling me asking if I'm up for a little matinée.
[hitting on Helen at the lunch counter]
Lewis Blanchard: Ya know, I have a video camera that shoots in the dark.
Helen: Yeah, I got a gun that does the same thing.
Roy Biggins: I've never minded staying up all night because of a woman.
Helen: Well, you don't have a choice. If you dozed off, she'd escape.
Helen: You care more about this *stupid* plane than you do about me!
Joe Hackett: Me? You're the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!
Helen: Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!
Joe Hackett: Yeah, well, at least when I'm in the plane I get some sense of movement!
Roy Biggins: Forget it. I'm not... , I'm not in the mood.
Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: YOU?
Roy Biggins: I'm going to teach that kid everything I know.
Helen: What's he going to do the second half of the day?
Antonio: This song I learned in Italy. For awhile it was the only English I knew... My goat knows the bowling score, halleluiah...
Helen: It's "Michael, row the boat ashore".
Antonio: No!
Lowell Mather: I've had this nagging feeling all day that I'm forgetting something.
Roy Biggins: My guess is you get that feeling a lot.
Roy Biggins: So what you're saying is, she's not interested in me, that I don't mean anything to her. She just wants to get me into bed & use me like some cheap piece of meat?
Brian Hackett: Exactly.
Roy Biggins: I can live with that!
Roy Biggins: I was so good, I screamed out my own name!
Joe: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas.
Lowell Mather: I give blood all the time. Just between you and me, Roy, I'll do anything for a sugar cookie.

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